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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'my treat' doesn't mean don't contribute anything?

85 replies

Eggrules · 30/06/2012 08:53

My friend is a sahm and in her case this means money is tight. There is a show we both would love to see. After a wine or two I rashly said let's go my treat. I mentioned dinner and the concert. She still lives in the city we grew up in. She won't leave her DC with her DH and doesn't like to socialise on nights out/away. I was surprised and pleased when she said she would like to come here so I said I would spring for a hotel.

She has sent a text asking 'what should I do about travel?' Shock

She drives and she could buy a very reasonable advance ticket for the train (£11 return). She has does have some spare cash. She is off to the cinema and has gallery tickets (about £20 each I think). If this was the other way around, I would expect to contribute something. I would pay for drinks and breakfast.

AIBU in expecting my friend to pay for her own travel? Confused
Should I have expectations regarding a contribution?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 09:45

There was wine and we were chatting on the phone. My OH and I have agreed to go away separately for two weekends a year. He has already been twice this and is planning another jaunt (all good). I mentioned I have booked a few nights away with a close friend and needed at least one more to make it even. I think it snowballed from there.

I remember that I did use the phrase 'my treat' that night. Chablis was involved and so maybe DF could be more forgiving Grin.

OP posts:
Spatsky · 30/06/2012 09:46

Half of Mumsnet appear to have friendships where they don't like or trust eachother much / if at all.

If you want to take her and trust her that she's not a piss-taker and acn afford it then pay for her train fare if she can't. If you think she's a piss-taker then tell her she pays her own fare and don't offer to "treat" her again.

If she has a history of piss-taking it probably wasn't wise offering to treat her in such a vague way. If she doesn't have a history of piss-taking then perhaps better to give her benefit of the doubt.

Spatsky · 30/06/2012 09:47

Sorry, my first line was a bit harsh. Feeling a bit on edge at the mo, making me abrupt.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 09:55

No worries Spatsky

I love my friends but we aren't perfect. I shouldn't have made the original offer, but I'd had a few glasses of wine.

I am feeling a bit pissed off at others taking advantage. DH's family have been making a lot of overnight visits at the weekend. We treat guests like royalty (our choice) and they don't bring as much as a bottle of water (cos they are rude tight arses imo).

OP posts:
nkf · 30/06/2012 09:57

There's a pattern emerging, Eggrules. Only you can change it - if you want to. Me? I'd suck up the £11 and never make that kind of offer again. Yes for a birthday. Yes if she'd been through some terrible experience. But not a run of the mill outing with friends. I'd do something cheaper.

gorionine · 30/06/2012 10:01

*In that context what does 'what should I do about travel?' mean?
Add message | Report | Message poster
OneHandFlapping Sat 30-Jun-12 09:02:46 *

I think you should ask your friend that, surely her answer will be more accurate than any of ours could be, no?Smile

SundaeGirl · 30/06/2012 10:03

You are lovely and this is exactly a situation I could see myself getting into. Personally, if someone said to me 'my treat to do X' I wouldn't expect them to pay my travel, parking, coffe snacks, whatever. I would think it would be tickets to show and maybe the hotel if that was the offer. I would expect to buy the meal.

Just gloss over the train ticket (I like your text). My mother would say your friend sounds badly brought up!

AKE2012 · 30/06/2012 10:03

If someone said to me lets go to such n such 'my treat' id expect that they wer paying for it.

However i wuldnt take advantage of them. Id probably pay for the travel if i could.

silverfrog · 30/06/2012 10:08

I have a good friend, who is doing an awful lot for me at the moment (babysitting favours, which include her travelling an hour each way).

I can not do so much for her, due to circumstances. (she will not accept payment - we have been best friends for about 25 years). instead, I pay for nights out as and when - concerts, shows, whatever.

even with this totally unbalanced way of doing things (she gives far more than she takes, imo, and I wish I could do more for her), she organises her own travel, or buys food when we get there, or breakfast if we stay over in a hotel etc. again, I don't want her to (or expect her to), but she does.

'my treat', imo extends to tickets and hotel (if needed). dinner/breakfast should at least be split (unless agreed otherwise), and travel is definitely up to the individual.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 10:09

With regard to general hospitality, DH agrees his family is mean. I think it is for him to sort out or not. If anyone in my family stayed from Friday after work until Sunday teatime, they would bring wine, flowers and offer to pay for a takeaway/ lunch out. For what it's worth, DF has agreed DH's family are discourteous and bad guests.

This isn't a birthday treat. It was a rash offer made whilst I was under the influence.

OP posts:
ontheedgeofwhatever · 30/06/2012 10:09

YANBU OP. Some years ago when I didn't have much spare cash my friend took me to a show and paid for a hotel and described it as "my treat". we had a lovely time. I managed to save up for us to have dinner, my own travel and ice creams and a drink in the interval. It was a bit of a struggle for me but having accepted her offer, I wouldn't have considered doing anything else. (Oddly enough 2 years ago the situation was reversed and I was able to take her off for a night to see a show and she paid for dinner and ice creams) If your friend wants you to pay for her travel as well she's really pushing things.

gettingeasier · 30/06/2012 10:17

I do think she should probably pay the train fare if she isnt stoney broke but in the total cost of this treat its negligible so be careful the whole thing doesnt end up getting soured over £11

Also you sound like a lovely friend to organise this

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 10:25

I am torn between it is only £11 more and isn't what I have already agreed to generous enough?

Friend COULD downgrade her gallery cinema tickets from £20 to £8 each thereby saving £24.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 10:26

OK that sounds horrible. I will just leave it until I can talk to her about this properly.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 30/06/2012 10:28

I can see that and I would be the same and yes you have already been generous enough but it will end up being spoilt if you're not careful

Just go the whole hog and chalk it up to experience Smile

Toughasoldboots · 30/06/2012 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodPhariseeofDerby · 30/06/2012 10:40

Probably best to leave until you can talk properly.

For me, "what should I do about travel" would mean the practicals of it, but then I'm a non-driver, with mostly non-driver friends, so we tend to make plans including travelling together and plans need to include a meet-up point with various modes of transport. If someone was buying my fare, I would be asking if they've arranged the travel or asking if £XZ for fare was an okay price if I was arranging them and they were paying me back. Saying what should I do about travel to someone else who was buying it would be a bit Confused for all parties, I would think.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 10:42

Text back 'I am as poor as a church mouse lol. I'll look into it'

I've text back 'Tried to call earlier. Probably better to talk than text. Off out for the day and then friends for tea. Have a good day yourself and I'll give you a call in the morning'.

I'll offer again to change the venue to her city so it is cheaper. If she wants to come to me, I will ask if she can pay the train herself.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 30/06/2012 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CraftyGirly · 30/06/2012 10:52

poor as a church mouse but can afford very expensive (IMO) cinema tickets?! she's taking the pee!
I have a 'friend' who didnt sent christmas cards last year 'as she couldnt afford it' - fair enough but she managed to buy herself a new dress and bag for the work christmas party! some people do my head in!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 30/06/2012 10:55

Im with toughasoldboots that seems really cheeky to me, most people would be really grateful for what you've offered and she seems to be a bit grabby and ungrateful

I would cancel and say never mind maybe we can do it another time when we're both a bit more flush. I think if you go ahead you might end up feeling resentful which could sour the friendship

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 10:59

No, sorry, she's taking the piss, whether there was confusion between what 'my treat' meant or not, there isn't now. If she can afford £40 for herself and someone else to go the cinema she can afford £11 for her own travel to an outing for which another friend is paying for everything else - dinner, show and hotel, especially when she asked you if you could book somewhere which necessitated her travelling. Cheeky cow!

I think you're right in talking to her rather than texting and suggesting making it cheaper for her but if she still insists on the more expensive travelling option you're sorry but you have limited funds too so you won't be able to get the train ticket to.

I get what others are saying about stumping up for the train ticket too but would you spend the evening feeling resentful she'd taken a yard when you gave an inch?

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 11:00

*too.

Original poster
Eggrules · 30/06/2012 11:05

It seems a bit mean to me as well. In her defence she hasn't been the pictures in a while and this is a very rare date with her OH without the DC.

We have been friends for 30 years and this won't change that.

My finances are in a better condition but I am not rich. The different choices we have made, has meant we have very different financial situations.

DS is 5 and we don't have any family support. My DH and I have not had much of a social life until now but have decided to do something about it. We will do without in other areas and budget so we can.

OP posts:
Gibbous · 30/06/2012 11:14

Well fair enough, but there is a way round this whereby neither of you have to pay for her travel and I think she should be more than willing to go down that road ('scuse the pun) to the point of offering it or at least jumping at you offering it.

Money is an issue for the vast majority and when you're caught up in financial difficulties it is hard to remember that some people with a bit more still aren't necessarily rolling in it.

I have a friend who is very un self aware about her (actually relatively fortunate) situation in comparison to others and because she gets unnecessarily upset about it, she really can't see most of her friends are as bad if not worse off.