To want to be spanked?

[sexonthebeach]

Inspired by '50 shades of grey' thread (although I haven't read the book!) AIBU to have a secret desire to be 'dominated' - but only on a temporary basis (as i am not naturally submissive!). Do any of you have such fantasies? I would hate to be anything other than equal in a partnership but can't help feeling that there is a shortage of 'real men' out there. Then again, if i met one, i expect we wouldn't be compatible......

LeBFG, norms change over lots of things. It doesn't make them comparable.

There are clear links between our understanding of relationships between people, how we socially interact, how we view others and the extension of that into sexual relationships. That is how we decide whether or not it is acceptable for certain people to have sex with certain other people.

How we view certain behaviours and attitudes to objects and how acceptable we deem them to be is a separate sphere, as is the extension of that into sexual behaviour.

It doesn't require specialist knowledge to understand there is a difference between people, object and behaviours. They are all different things.

Some obvious examples...

A couple comes to my house. They are both women. My primary aged child knows they are in a relationship and they act as if they are in a romantic relationship in front of the child. The acceptability of this and the reasoning behind this is to do with how society views which people it is acceptable for relationships to exist between.

A couple come to my house. One of them routinely beats the other because they find it sexually gratifying. My primary aged child is not told of their behaviour. The acceptability of this and the reasoning behind this is to do with what behaviour it is acceptable for relationships to contain.

Certain sexual behaviour is never going to become a norm in society because unless that behaviour is also a norm outside of sex. For example, if a Star Trek enthusiast comes around my house dressed up as Spock, that is fine. The fact that they may also have a sexual fetish about Star Trek uniforms can form part of wider life because Star Trek is part of wider life.

The same rule cannot be applied to categories of people; if somebody is an adult and competent to make choices, then we accept whoever they happen to be in a relationship with. Because we have an ethical obligation to treat human beings with equal respect, regardless of their gender, ethnicity, weight or whatever. We don't have to treat an expression of a desire for violence or power with any respect, although we do have to respect people's right to make choices about things they do in private, even if 'private' means 20 other like minded individuals in a room. Fifty shades of Grey, of course, is not private. It can be bought in Tesco's.

Not everyone likes BDSM in the same way that not everyone is into skydiving or potholing. If the idea of spanking or being spanked leaves you cold, then fine - it's not for you.
But where I find a certain strand of feminism gets very close to the patriarchy is the common message of 'Stop doing that sex thing, never mind if you enjoy it, think of other people instead of yourself because as a woman your default position ought to be guilt and anxiety if you ever consider your own wishes and needs.'

On an entirely separate note, I also think there could be a confusion between what I assume the OP is talking about (as she mentions 50 shades of grey), which is spanking, and palming.

I assume that one means somebody is doing it in a context of wanting to feel submissive, while the other is about a physical experience which is rythmnic during sex so can create pleasurable feelings. The physical act might be the same but people might be doing it for very different reasons.

I do think that some people are simply keener than others on playing consensual games. There is a fairly big crossover between BDSM, historical re-enactment, paganism and LARP, for instance; all of these involve a certain amount of dressing up and pretending. And all of them are regarded as at least 'silly' if not actively wrong, by a lot of mainstream people.

Most people have imaginative interests in their lives. I don't think pretending or play is a niche interest; it is just part of being human.

CT: But an awful lot of people don't have much interest in pretending/imaginative stuff and look down on those who do: think of all those people who never read fiction and certainly never go near sci-fi, horror or fantasy fiction (whether in books, films or TV programmes) and/or would refuse to go to a party if it involved fancy dress.
I'm not saying these people are wrong (though I probably wouldn't be very good friends with one) just that they like different things to the things other people like.

sgb, I like the idea that you cast people out of your social life because they don't like fancy dress parties. Seems a good rule of thumb to me.

Anything's ok if it's consensual. But the possibility for abuse is a grey area in my view. It's quite possible for someone you're emotionally and physically involved with on a daily basis to manipulate you and your thinking more than you realise. It can be dangerous.

My husband does not spank me, I don't feel I could ask him to because I know he wouldn't want to hurt me. He would do it to please me but he would not be comfortable doing it and, knowing that he wasn't comfortable, i wouldn't be either, so there would be no pleasure in it.

When i was younger (much!), I used to be aroused by the Mills and Boon novels where the hero was dominant and would 'tame' the heroine with punishing kisses or sometimes even a spanking! These novels would not be acceptable today I suspect, but the heroes were always attractive - not only physically, but also in every other aspect of their lives. Mr Darcy set the standard all those years ago.

I totally agree with those who say that issues arise re domestic violence etc but also that what consenting adults do in private is their business.

My former boss was very dominant and used to threaten to spank me if I didn't do things properly - once he did spank me, but not hard - i was shocked that I enjoyed it and I felt so guilty.

But plenty of abusive men are not into BDSM at all: they are 'romantic' but very manipulative and unkind. You know, the sort who make ridiculous grand romantic gestures and then sulk and give you the silent treatment if you're not swooningly grateful - that sort of thing doesn't mean that every man who buys you flowers is an abuser.

True, solidgoldbrass, although you'll forgive me for being forever suspicious of "just because" flowers since a total cuntbag abusive previous partner used to give surprise flowers when he was cheating, as I found out later. He dressed up abuse as "discipline" with a winning smile in a "I'm so manly" way. Cunt.

Buying flowers isn't an intrinsically negative thing to do. Hitting someone is. Introducing BDSM into your relationship is temporarily suspending the normal rules on interpersonal conduct, so you have to be sure you know the duration and extent of the suspension.

jeanbodel is my new mm hero.

Mine too!

47 - so that's where the indefensible bigotry and warped sexual attitudes come from. I had been wondering.

47 such bigoted language has no place in our society

I feel sorry for your children, what a warped upbringing they must be getting

it seems history has a way of repeating itself, however

47, your bigotry actually makes me feel ill. I'm a bisexual and I'm not a deviant.

I have reported your posts for your sickening homophobia.

You know what? If straight people despise gay people so much, they really should stop giving birth to them!

its always a bit of a shock when the evidence that there really are people with mindsets like that in the world

we know there are of course, but when they show themselves it's like you had a peek into the frightening and disordered whirling black hole that is where their human empathy should lie

the evidence presents itself sorry for the half sentence

I'm really biting my tongue here. Hard. There are so many things I want to say, but all I will say is I pray 47's children grow up to realise her bigotry is disgustingly wrong. Heaven forbid one of them is gay themselves. :(

I don't understand why people have bad attitudes towards gay/lesbian/bi people. Never have never will.

It's disgusting.

Anyway, spanking. As part of consensual and loving sex it can be a huge turn on. I would like to have more submission in my role but right now it's not happening (young children, always worn out etc) but my oh knows this. We barely even manage sex at the moment but that's another matter!!

I do believe that for some, a certain amount of submission/domination is in their makeup. I recall as a very young child I had dreams of being in prison with a ball and chain (child's view of prison!) and it felt good. Lots of other things too but I won't go in to detail. I grew up in a lovely atmosphere, a beautiful childhood with no abuse anywhere and plenty of happy memories, so it's nothing with a sinister undertone. These things didn't come back to me until I was 18/19 and started to explore books about bdsm and things all clicked for me. I was drawn in to the stories both real and fantasy.

However, back to what I was saying and we don't practise it in our v long term relationship but there is a hint of control by my oh in the bedroom. It can be fun.

Unfortunately there are those who perhaps use it as an excuse to do awful non-consensual things to their partners.

Maybe read some discussions on the literotica bdsm board to get some insight, then make your own minds up with information from the people in that lifestyle.

Disclaimer: on my iPhone so can't check back to see if it all makes sense, hope it does.

I have recently had my eyes opened in this department and now am of the belief don't knock it till you've tried it Well within certain limits...

If I enjoy it and he enjoys it then I don't see there is any problem. A little bit of tying up and domination/submission play is very pleasant. And it goes both ways. There is nothing he does to me that he does not let me do to him. Part of the reason I enjoy a bit of extra dirtiness is knowing that it is SO unlike his public persona and that he is such a nice gentle person. I would NEVER feel threatened by him and we both know if there was anything at all I felt uncomfortable with he would stop straight away. There is no emotional control which is the key difference. I am very much a grown up and so is he and we have fun exploring in a way I never would have done ten years ago

Excellent posts, JeanBodel

I suppose how you feel about this will depend in part on whether you think there are things we 'just happen' to like, or whether you think that what we like is, to a large extent, influenced by wider society.

I'm of the latter view, so, even though I enjoy spanking, D/s games etc., I am bothered by where these desires come from and exactly what it is we are fetishising and making a game of when we do BDSM. It's quite an uncomfortable position to be in and not in a good way