To want to be spanked?

[sexonthebeach]

Inspired by '50 shades of grey' thread (although I haven't read the book!) AIBU to have a secret desire to be 'dominated' - but only on a temporary basis (as i am not naturally submissive!). Do any of you have such fantasies? I would hate to be anything other than equal in a partnership but can't help feeling that there is a shortage of 'real men' out there. Then again, if i met one, i expect we wouldn't be compatible......

For me spanking is not about the submission, I'm not very good at being submissive anyway. I honestly don't think Oh my lover please dominate me, nor is it done to the tune of You're a naughty naughty girl... I do it because I enjoy it and it feels good. ;)

I think I might be a bit naive for this thread. I have questions?!

Whats the difference between being spanked and being smacked on the arse?
Is it with an object?
Is it meant to hurt or is that just a side product?

I haven't read the book, I doubt I will, by book list is backed up as it is but this thread has me pondering

I loved a bit of S&M until I read the utter shite in 50 shades.

It's put me off for life.

I think it is quite common for men to fantasise about being sexually dominated too. I'm not sure there's anything intrinsically unhealthy in such fantasises. What is unhealthy is the insistence in our current culture (esp porn) that submission is something only women are interested in, and is the basic model for female sexuality.

JeanBodel I see your points, but really, just because me and my partner (and others on here) indulge in spanking and such doesn't mean I advocate and welcome domestic abuse, and neither does it mean he'll turn into a raging wife beater that gets turned on.
I think it's a case of overthinking something that can and does excite and pleasure people. There's no reason we enjoy this 'violence'. It's just I get turned on my being dominated, maybe because he's such a gentle person usually if I had to give an excuse.

Good point karlos. My partner likes being dominated sometimes. I'm not as keen because I don't like being in control in the bedroom, but he enjoys it.

People see this as the woman being 'powerful' and they say it's a good thing. But the same people look down on its vice versa.

No doubt what people are saying about their own relationships is true.

There are lots of reasons people like being spanked that have nothing to do with past abuse. Thrill, adrenalin, excitement, livening up of their sex life, or even because they work so hard outside of the bedroom they enjoy the release of being able to submit inside it.

But all these things are happening within the context of a world where men are routinely using violence against women, and where groups of men exist who genuinely believe it is a man's right to use violence against women. In this context, BDSM becomes less about our personal choices in the bedroom.

It's like using porn - it might give you a thrill, but what about the women who work in the industry? What's their story?

Just because something feels nice, and works for us personally, doesn't mean we should do it.

We don't want to buy t-shirts made by 5 year olds in factories, no matter how cheap they are. I'm not making a direct comparison with BDSM, I am trying to show how the personal is political.

How do you feel about women being the dominator then? I'm genuinely interested. And what about men who feel uncomfortable about being the dominator but do it because their partners enjoy it?

You could apply your manner of thinking to nearly everything we do in life, if you did it would make it a hard life indeed.

My motto is, instead of your overthinking, if it does no harm then enjoy it.

And I'm glad you said you weren't making a direct comparison, maybe it shouldn't have even been mentioned at all. Because it is nothing like wearing clothes from sweatshops. That would be immoral. Enjoying domination and BDSM in the safety of your own home with a partner you trust is not immoral.

I don't mind a uniform and a little "tap"

Well, if a man feels uncomfortable hurting his partner, maybe he's on to something there. Surely in a healthy sex life we would not want our partners to engage in acts they did not enjoy merely to get our kicks?

I agree that when you get female dommes the situation changes (obviously I'm talking about women who genuinely enjoy the scene as opposed to women who work servicing the sexual needs of men in brothels and porn films). I know that these women are about (I'm expecting one of them to post any minute) and I'm not attempting to deny the reality of what they experience. I don't have all the answers and I'm interested in the views of others on this.

The thing I have a real problem with is the Fifty Shades of Grey hysteria, with headlines and articles everywhere saying, basically, that women enjoy a bit of pain with their sex. Yes, they do, a lot of them. But in a consensual, respectful, negotiated scenario that has absolutely nothing in common with the total bollocks represented in the book.

I can guarantee that there will be women out there who decide to try a bit of spanking, Christian-Gray-style, who have a past history of abuse and a partner with no idea of how to deal with sub drop. That's when it gets unhealthy.

WhiteWidow

I'm afraid we just have very different viewpoints on life.

You could apply your manner of thinking to nearly everything we do in life, if you did it would make it a hard life indeed.

I would and do strive to apply this manner of thinking to everything I do in life. It isn't easy and I am in no way perfect. But's it's something to aim for.

My motto is, instead of your overthinking, if it does no harm then enjoy it.

I don't see it as overthinking. I see it as considering the effects my actions may have on others. I repeat, just because I enjoy something, doesn't mean I should do it.

I haven't read the book and nor do I intend to, but that isn't what I for one am talking about. I don't really think that it should be made into a norm, it's a taboo thing and I like it to be that.

I don't understand how the situation changes with the female dominators. It's exactly the same. Or is it the woman being the weaker sex argument again.. There is a rise in female on male abuse as I'm sure you know.

There are a lot of coulda woulda shoulda things to this, but personally I think you're unreasonably darkening something a lot of HAPPY couples enjoy.

To put it simply, feminism aims to educate men and boys that violence against women is unacceptable. We are sadly nowhere near achieving this aim as every day women are raped, beaten and killed by men, often their partners.

M/f BDSM is not helping. So many men show in their actions that they believe violence against women is ok. Anything - anything at all - that reinforces this belief is contributing, however indirectly, to the unhealthy attitudes some men hold and which feminists are trying to combat.

But that's insinuating that people can't define the difference between say, spanking for pleasure and slapping your wife for burning your tea.

People are not stupid. (majority). We shouldn't treat them as though they are stupid.

I find it very hard to believe that men won't know the difference.

I like dressing up as a police woman, it doesn't mean I'll then go on to impersonate a police officer.

Given the context of the society we live in, is it healthy for men to be sexually aroused by inflicting pain on women?

It doesnt have to be unhealthy though.
I think it is much more about seeing their wife/girl get a thrill from it than anything else. We laugh. We giggle. We get turned on. We have sex. It doesn't have to be a sordid thing.

And again, is it healthy for a woman to be sexually aroused by inflicting pain on a man?

WhiteWidow, is it healthy for a man to enjoy inflicting pain on a woman? I'm not seeing what difference the gender makes here?

OP, BDSM is not well represented in 50 Shades. That relationship is just plain abusive. It is not an equal and fair relationship, they don't discuss boundaries, he just does what he likes to her. A fantasy a lot of women have, but not pleasant in real life.

BDSM is something that you should probably discuss with your partner and take slowly in the beginning.

There's a world of difference between BDSM and playing around with spanking on a vanilla level - that can be no more submissive or masochistic than enjoying having your partner dig their nails into your back a bit during sex, for example.

Can I just ask, coming from the point where i have no contact with 'feminism' what is the feminist view on male against male violence?

I love a bit of spankery, it's not a case of my husband being aroused by "inflicting pain on women", he's the most kind and gentle soul you can imagine - what he's aroused by is the effect his actions have on me, it's taken many years to get to this stage and our sex life is much the better for it, I'm not averse to spanking/biting/scratching him either.

It's not about causing "pain" - in an equal and healthy relationship it's just about fun and enhancing sexual pleasure, abusive men don't need an excuse to abuse women, they'll do it regardless of socitey's norms .
I do think this 50 shades phenomenenon is unhealthy though, it seems to be lots of women with dull and unsatisfactory sex lives getting their kicks from a book rather than communicating with their partner about how to improve their love life. From the excerpts I've seen from the book, it's utter drivel.

ninja, by its very definition, spanking is BDSM. Not full on, not hardcore, but it is BDSM.

Mal, I agree that 50 Shades is unhealthy. For a start, the relationship in the book is totally abusive and fucked up and it presents that as something exciting and fun and sexy. Horrible.

I think part of the problem is this whole area has been taken over by the propaganda of the porn industry, which insists that "sexy" is all about objectively pretty unpleasant things being done to women with no sign of them enjoying any of it. Look outside this narrow little world and there is plenty of material out there about how dominating and submissive roles can be enjoyed by people of both sexes, with many individuals embracing both roles at different times. Sexuality is far more fluid than popular pornography allows for. it always makes me laugh when people insist porn consumption is a sign of sexual liberation; IME there's no-one with a more repressed attritude to sex than an habitual porn user.

Another thing that disturbs me about the book is that you just KNOW it wouldn't be popular if it was a male sub featured. It's just reinforcing porny crap about submissive women, when really on the BDSM scene, it's really less gender specific.