To want to be spanked?

[sexonthebeach]

Inspired by '50 shades of grey' thread (although I haven't read the book!) AIBU to have a secret desire to be 'dominated' - but only on a temporary basis (as i am not naturally submissive!). Do any of you have such fantasies? I would hate to be anything other than equal in a partnership but can't help feeling that there is a shortage of 'real men' out there. Then again, if i met one, i expect we wouldn't be compatible......

I understand where you are going with your sexual conditioning argument Ruthless. And agree to this as a reason why one might not want to start on the spanking route. But it is sexually arousing to transgress sexual norms, and indeed sexual norms change. As I said earlier, you could replace spanking with gay sex and you get close to a lot of the anti-gay rhetoric spouted not so long ago in the UK.

In Robert Winstons book 'Human Instinct' he describes how in anthopolical terms a tribe becomes very inbred.The only way fresh genes would have been introduced to the gene pool is when a woman was raped by a man from outside the tribe.He goes on to say that conception is statistically more likely to occur after a single act of rape than a single act of concensual sex.Perhaps this is why some women are turned on by being submissive and a little a pain?

Or maybe being spanked takes us back to childhood.A time when we felt safe and loved?

I can't help thinking that no decent man wants to have their partner pushed into places where they are uncomfortable and cause them physical pain. And that men who do, actually don't like women very much and are a bit messed up.

This happened to me - the man broke my boundaries, gradually, gradually until he was biting my face so much that it was constantly covered in bruises which people would comment on. I ended up accepting it all though. It was only when I got out of that relationship and moved on that I realised no man had ever treated me like that either before or since and he was not open to conversation about what he was doing.

I should have got away from him earlier, of course but I was emotionally involved and he was able to manipulate me to end up believing I wanted the same thing he did.

Tbh I think having fantasies about something is also entirely different from actually doing it and the reality would also be different.

Why are many focusing on pain? I have been in a relationship for nearly 9 years and always enjoyed a bit of spanking. I wouldn't call it painful, but then again he also doesn't go overboard and spank the hell out of me.

For me, it is actually pleasurable and enhances the pleasure.

I do agree with what Jean has said, but you need to focus on the likes of 50 Shades of Shit rather than those who enjoy it in a comfortable equal relationship that the average Joe Bloggs has no idea what se are doing.

It is the likes of this shite book that shows it in a bad light. And obviously, women need to be well educated on the matter (and men, as they get abused too)

I do think that this gets to the core of why 50 Shades is such a crock of shit: its putting across the idea that BDSM is about men doing stuff to women, and that all women really want to submit. Which anyone who knows anything about BDSM knows is nonsense: the largest 'group' on the BDSM scene is submissive men who want a woman to spank them, tie them up, bugger then with a strap on ( gosh it's getting warm in here).
And I think it's better to talk about BDSM openly and emphasize choice, consent, mutual respect than just to go oh no, mustn't do that, it's icky and if some other woman gets beaten up by an arsehole it's your fault for engaging in your nasty sexual perversions. Because one thing I have encountered on a few occasions while hanging out on the BDSM scene is the couple whose relationship is abusive, and other BDSMers assisting the victim and empowering her to tell the abuser to fuck off and that 'real' BDSM is not about doing stuff you don't want to do, it's about mutual gratification.

"I can't figure out why someone would WANT to be the submissive though...perhaps it's something along the lines of the Stockholm syndrome?"

Nothing of the sort in my case, I just happen to enjoy being (slightly) submissive in the bedroom sometimes, not all the time, it's not the only way I get turned on - I do think if it's the only way someone gets turned on then it's gone way too far and is deeply unhealthy - I'm an out and out control freak in everyday life and it's fun to let go of that, if DH ever started ordering me about outside of our sex life, he'd get very short shrift.
We'd been married for over 20 years when we started exploring this too, I don't know how you can do this type of thing if you haven't got absolute trust in your partner, that sounds like dangerous territory.

Stockholme syndrome. FGS!

I rather enjoy being spanked. In real life I'm a very confident and assertive person. The pleasure comes from just letting go of all that and being at the pleasure of a partner. It doesn't hurt and I think it is the vibrations that make it such a turn on.

Dunno why you're so shocked 50shades - I was just thinking aloud. I'm probably thinking of the hardcore stuff where the dom doles out treats and punishments - where the dom dictates what the submissive wears, eats etc. I just can't understand why someone would WANT to become submissive to this degree...unless they enjoyed not thinking for themselves, or because they like the idea of someone else taking the decisions rather like some sort of weird prison warden or captor.

And although I know MNers hate wiki there is a phrase in it under stockholm syndrome

'Partial activation of the capture-bonding psychological trait may lie behind battered-wife syndrome, military basic training, fraternity hazing, and sex practices such as sadism/masochism or bondage/discipline'

Totally speculative I'm sure. And I'm not convinced to this degree either. Just an idea.

'But it is sexually arousing to transgress sexual norms, and indeed sexual norms change. As I said earlier, you could replace spanking with gay sex and you get close to a lot of the anti-gay rhetoric spouted not so long ago in the UK.'

Anti-gay rhetoric is rhetoric against an actual group of people. You couldn't replace gay sex with spanking anymore than you could replace brown haired people sex with spanking, or tall people sex with spanking.

Gay sex simply refers to sex between people who belong to a particular category - in this case both of the same gender.

Spanking is not something you are; it isn't a person. It is a sexual fetish. It is similar to wanting to have sex on ticking stripe, licking food off genitals, using paint as part of sex and so on.

Please don't compare people with fetishes. One is an activity; the other is a group of people. The fact that right wing people have reduced certain categories of people to no more than objects and fetishes doesn't make it alright to carry on making that analogy.

My comment was in reply to the idea of a slippery slope

"One can gradually slip from "occasional pat during sex" to "formalised but consensual play punishment sessions" to "associating sex with violence" and so on"

My point is that gay sex was once seen as a sexual transgression - fetish if you like. If you engaged in a lesbian kiss, you would start down that slippery slope of becoming gay. That sort of wot-not. My point is just that sexual norms change. It has in relation to gay sex of course.

50 Shades is very badly written and, by my standards, quite tame.

Gay sex isn't a fetish though. A fetish involves an inanimate object or body parts. 'Gay' simply means a person who is attracted to another person of the same biological sex. People who happen to be of the same gender and who are attracted to each other are not inanimate objects or body parts.

Being a woman in a relationship with another woman operates in a context of attitudes to women in society.

Being in a relationship with somebody who you hit for whatever reason operates in a context of attitudes to violence in society.

The fact that a couple may or may not have sex does not suddenly make them into a fetish just because of what body they happen to have been born into.

It is possible to change norms around gay sex because relationships between people in relationships are socially acceptable. It is not going to be possible to change norms around BDSM very much because violence is usually not socially acceptable.

Is the poster talking about/is it always about violence/real pain though JeanBodel? I always say 'play spanking' or 'roleplay spanking' so those horrified get the idea that its not 'proper' pain I am into. So does that count as 'violence' or role play? ie. I like a light spanking w. the same intensity that a playful slap on the bum a partner would give you in passing would do. Its more about being passive w. someone else dominating and being 'in charge in the bedroom if nowhere else" acc to Dirty Dancing's Penny in the dance lesson at the start. That is, that its sexy as you are giving up your control/making yourself vulnerable..

Any real pain and I would be out the door ...but each to their own ..

You sound like you know the definitions of these terms a lot more than me Caramel tree. As I see it, the act of sex between members of the same sex was once (but no longer) seen as a fetish/sexual transgression.

Pedophilia or fetishes based on one partner being obese involve 'people in relationships', they are commonly referred to as sexual transgressions or fetishes. We now think sex between a v15 year old and an adult is wrong but not so long ago this was just fine, so the norm has clearly changed.

Personally, I think I prefer being sub in the bedroom because I am dominant pretty much everywhere else in life. I'm pretty confident and (I hope this doesn't make me sound like a complete bitch) what I say tends to go.
Being submissive is sexy cos it's like being someone else, someone totally different. It's also nice to let DH be the boss for a change, even if it is just pretends.

To put it simply, feminism aims to educate men and boys that violence against women is unacceptable. We are sadly nowhere near achieving this aim as every day women are raped, beaten and killed by men, often their partners.

BDSM is not abuse or rape, its not helpful trying to conflate them, and its certainly not helpful to argue that this is what all feminists think.

And 50 shades is proof positive that crap porn trumps crap literature....

Re The Secretary - I thought it was quite sad, isn't she a self-harmer to start with? I seem to recall she had a little pouch of tools she would use on herself. I might be mis-remembering.

To the women here who play sub in the bedroom and are dom outside: do you think the reason your sex works is because you are giving the man back his masculinity? (reminds me of a story line in Desperate Housewives with Lynette and Tom)

In Secretary she ditches the self harm tools int he river shortly after she meets her boss Puff.... love that film, both are lonely people with issues, but very happy by the end of it is how I came away from it ...

LeBFG I think it must be quite adrenaline-y and testosterone-y to hit someone at all, particularly if it violates the inviolable "do not hit girls" rule.

My DH doesn't need me to give him his masculinity "back" .
I'm a control freak by nature but that doesn't mean he lets me walk all over him, he's not a henpecked husband, our relationship works because he's easy going, kind and generous but he's also got a strong personality that I need to keep my control freakery in check. He's not some meek little man who plays at being boss in the bedroom, far from it.