To have only ordered takeaway for two?

[LadyRabbit]

Grrr. DH and I have our DN staying with us (early twenties) while she looks for work - apparently - and a place to live. It was meant to be for three weeks. It has now been two months. She is very sweet, a bit sappy and has clearly been mollycoddled her whole life but she isn't trouble or anything. However, she does use our place as a hotel, has cooked a couple of times but generally I cook and clean and even stood ironing her clothes the other day while she watched. I don't think she's ever volunteered to do anything resembling housework apart from stack the dishwasher on the odd evening. We haven't asked her for any money for anything, it's family, and the Big Smoke is a tough enough place so DH and I feel we should help in that sense.

However, we are a bit bored of always feeding her dinner, and if we get take out never having even the offer of a contribution (which we would refuse, it's just nice to be asked). SO tonight after an extremely stressful day with a toddler and an unforeseen household issue, I have ordered take away, but just for myself and DH without even offering her any.

I'm being a bit of a cow aren't I?

Yes you are, though I understand your frustration. It may have been more sensible to have ordered enough to share and asked her for a contribution to make your point. I'd be upset if I were her.

Yes.

Yes.

It's not fair to enable her behaviour in one way and then cut her out in another.

Have you tried actually speaking to her and getting some sort of rota made up?

How does she live? Does she have any money at all?

I think you need to explain to her gently that you need to cook/eat seperately, and you'll make sure she gets her own cupboard/fridge space for food, because after all this time she's a lodger not a guest, OR you tell you'd like be less taken for granted and a contribution would be nice.

But you will actually have to tell her.

Yes

Oh God, you're not going to sit there and eat it in front of her are you?

She sounds clueless rather than lazy and tight. Unless you're going to throw her out, you might be better off just prompting her to do stuff. She might feel awkward about doing stuff in your house.

Pleeease share your dinner with her .

LineRunner she has savings, which she is spending in Zara, H&M and All Saints on an almost daily basis. I think she thinks we're just going to let her live with us forever.

ObiWan I am feeling awful with this lovely bag of take away just waiting to be eaten and am trying to convince DH that we eat it out of sight in the lounge.

She doesn't even buy a bloody pint of milk!!

Yes, I think that's a bit nasty.

I don't think she realises how she is being... this will probably make her feel really awkward/ a bit upset rather than getting the message across.

Maybe pretend you've ordered for her too (if there's just about enough) but say - have ordered a take away - would you like some? Would you mind making a contribution/doing x y or z - I bet she will be fine with it and is just wrapped up in herself and not thinking about housework etc. I know I didn't much until I had to!

I do think you should say to her

'Can you pick up a pint of milk and a loaf when you're out'

or

'how about you cook dinner one night this week ?'

FGS, give her chores to do! As you say, she's clearly been mollycoddled, and you're continuing that. So tell her what you expect her to do and pull her up on it if she doesn't. Now you're going to have to cook something or put out bread and cheese and share your take out with whatever it is you augment it so all 3 of you have enough.

Behaving like a child yourself isn't going to help.

yabu
I think a good talk about some house rules/contribution is in order, though.

I think you need to tell her that you need her to make some kind of contribution, either financially or with general housework etc - or speak to her parents and get them to give her a bit of a nod in the right direction??

No you're not unreasonable at all. Enjoy your dinner.

This girl needs to realise she needs to sort herself out an stop being a waste of space. I wouldn't dream of going to someone else's house and expect my washing done and food cooked.

'how about you cook dinner one night this week ?'

• Yes this would be a good way to put it.

Jux why does she have to cook something? She's in her early twenties she's not a child. If shes hungry she can make her own.

There is surely enough to split it 3 ways?

This is not the time to make a point, you'll only hurt her. It's horrid to be mean with food, and she probably won't feel able to take anything from the kitchen later.

You can talk about chores etc. in the morning.

YABU ironing her clothes. What on earth were you thinking? Talk about enabling. Give her some takeaway and then talk seriously about what her plans are and deadline her and give her a chore list.

Dh and I are getting a takeaway so if you were wanting to buy one do you want to add your order on?

Done.

Erm, did she ask you to do her ironing?? Dont even know why you would have anything to do with her clothes tbh

Jux I have on numerous occasions asked her to, for example, do a little hoovering or would she like to strip her bed and I'll give her new sheets (after a month had gone by - eek!), just light household stuff. Nothing. She's DH's niece (mine through marriage) so I feel a bit awkward. But he feels the same.
I don't know how else to ask other than by asking, IYSWIM?

Op's neice is an ADULT, not a child, and is freeloading. Are you all seriously saying she should not only put her up, feed her, wash her clothes, but also buy her takeaways while she lives rent free and spends her money on clothes?
You're all bonkers.

YABU, OP, never has anyone been less unreasonable.

Maybe dont ask her if she wants to strip her bed TELL her to go and get her bed linen as you want to put it in the wash and that shell find a fresh set in the cupboard

YANBU just say "we've got take out for dinner but help yourself to the fridge" and start asking for rent.

Early 20's is old enough to know how to behave in someone else's house!

Op's neice is an ADULT, not a child, and is freeloading. Are you all seriously saying she should not only put her up, feed her, wash her clothes, but also buy her takeaways while she lives rent free and spends her money on clothes?
You're all bonkers

Well that's certainly not what I'm saying, no....

The DN was obviously spoilt at home. Now she's being spoilt by her Aunt and Uncle who basically need to start charging her rent, leave her washing alone and agree some basic chores.

It needs to be discussed like adults.

Leaving her out of the takeaway, is not adult like imo.

She is totally taking you for a ride. EARLY TWENTIES and she is acting like this? Unfuckingbelievable. If I were her mum I would be mortified. Strike that, if I were HER I would be mortified!!