To have only ordered takeaway for two?

[LadyRabbit]

Grrr. DH and I have our DN staying with us (early twenties) while she looks for work - apparently - and a place to live. It was meant to be for three weeks. It has now been two months. She is very sweet, a bit sappy and has clearly been mollycoddled her whole life but she isn't trouble or anything. However, she does use our place as a hotel, has cooked a couple of times but generally I cook and clean and even stood ironing her clothes the other day while she watched. I don't think she's ever volunteered to do anything resembling housework apart from stack the dishwasher on the odd evening. We haven't asked her for any money for anything, it's family, and the Big Smoke is a tough enough place so DH and I feel we should help in that sense.

However, we are a bit bored of always feeding her dinner, and if we get take out never having even the offer of a contribution (which we would refuse, it's just nice to be asked). SO tonight after an extremely stressful day with a toddler and an unforeseen household issue, I have ordered take away, but just for myself and DH without even offering her any.

I'm being a bit of a cow aren't I?

Ridiculous situation.
"Hi! How's the job hunting going? Only, what with you living here for three months now, I think we need to talk about you doing some regular chores and paying rent. I don't want your parents to have a go at me for letting you spend on your savings on clothes!" Say it lightly, with a smile.
You HAVE to do something about this NOW.

I will sum it all up in one word. She wants to be an actress.

I want to be a millionaire, doesn't mean it's going to happen.

If you had a flatmate would you buy them dinner? She's a grown woman ffs. Enjoy your meal

Oh lord! Get her out of your house now, so how

Or she will ve there firever

Can't she houseshare with people her age?

Sorry, iPad garbage

Meant to say, if you don't get her out now, she will probably stay forever.

So has she got an agent? How often is she going for castings? And what story of 'what job I did before I became famous' is she going to work on now???? There must be thousands of people like her every year, with only a handful who get anywhere.......and they are very proactive......

She has been freeloading for two months. Give her a deadline.

She has 4 more weeks to get a job. If she fails, she has to go home.

she can be an actress and still work in a shop while she waits to be discovered!

Yanbu but a bit mean as she sounds clueless.

We had bil live with us as he wanted to find a job in London. After 3 months, dh decided to spend a couple of hours every Sunday asking about what jobs he'd applied for, looked at his cv, helped him apply for JSA, explained Londony stuff like which part of London his job might be and which areas were posh/cool/rough etc.

He needed to be pushed as he was clueless. Despite dh and I finding at least 10 jobs a week that were commutable from our house and entry level jobs relating to his interests or degree he didn't find anything and went back to mil's after 6 months. He's now working overseas on an apprenticeship that mil found for him.

You or dp need to have words. All you have done is eaten a takeaway while hiding

Really? How clueless can a 20 year old be? My 5 year old wouldn't expect someone else to buy him an icecream at the park which is kind of the same, she's twenty!

In fact she's not 20 is she? She's early 20s....come on, she's an adult. Yanbu and time to lay down the law imo.

Why aren't you asking (frequently) for updates on how the flat hunting is going? If she's that self obsessed she may not actually realise staying with you on a more or less permanent basis might be a problem. Let her know that it is, but not by scoffing a Chinese in front of her

Actress eh? I'd expect her to be watching West End plays or doing the "right" courses with her savings rather than wasting it on clothes.

yes you are being a bit mean you have seethed for weeks and now you have snapped which i can understand the fustration but you need to tell her what is expected of her , if everything was done for her at home then moved in with family she will expect it, stop treating her like your child , mean about dinner though is she in ?

"She wants to be an actress."
Hmm. Does that mean she is restricting her job-hunting to acting jobs only? Don't even successful well-known actors spend large amounts of time unemployed resting?

You KNOW you have to start talking to her about this, otherwise you will have a permanent parasite houseguest.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt - she is shy/withdrawn (OK, not very likely for an wannabe-actress) and doesn't know how to raise matters with you. So you - the host, the older generation, the role-model - need to do it for her.

Might I suggest along these lines:
"DN, how is the job-hunting going? I just realised yesterday, you've been with us for two months now. Two whole months! Doesn't time fly? So you must have turned something up by now, surely? Don't be shy, what have you found? ... Ooh, I am sorry, what a pity. But it is a very difficult field to get in to, isn't it? So, if this is how it's going to be, just getting nothing the odd job here and there, what are your plans? Are you going to drama school, or find other work while you're 'resting'? Oh, and how are you getting on finding a new address? It can't be much fun living with us old fogeys, ha, ha, at your age I'msure you'd much rather share with people your own age. Any thoughts on which areas you'd prefer? etc. etc. ..."

Seriously, you are doing her no favours, sitting there waiting for her to volunteer to get her finger out. She's been there two months, if she hasn't done it by now she's not going to without a boot up the arse some encouragement.

And if all else fails - ring her mother and ask why you're still doing her job 5 weeks after it should have ended?

She is an adult. Go along the lines of "your stay has turned from three weeks into a couple of months, we need to talk about the future and what you want to do. If you plan to stay here, you will need to support yourself and pay towards your digs with us". You need to to this now. She probably is not even noticing how she is behaving if no one points it out and it's normal to her.

I don't understand why you said that with regards to her wanting to be an actress, like all wannabe actresses seem to be deluded, who don't pay their way.

Her wanting to be an actress shouldn't come into it. She can still follow her dream, as many do and succeed, whilst even stocking shelves or scrubbing toilets if need be. As an adult, you need to pay your way and do your fair share in chores, no matter what profession you wish to chase. It never just falls into your lap, be that being an actress, singer, designer or a nurse. It doesn't matter what that is, it is the person at fault here and who needs a wake up call.

I suspect it simply hasn't occurred to her to offer to help - either financially or with chores. If she has always had everything done for her, then she must just think it's the norm. You definitely need to have words -IawnCont's suggestion above looks good to me.

On the other hand, she may be well aware that she's on to a good thing - I mean, why look for a place you'd have to pay for when you've got everything right there for free?

Ah poor girl, think she's getting a hard time on here. You need to be upfront and honest about the contribution you'd like her to make, but ordering a takeaway and excluding her was unkind

Am really surprised that people think you're being a bit mean OP. We all have our limits/patience and you shouldn't feel responsible for providing meals-she's in her twenties not a kid and capable of sorting her own food out. So it's not the most subtle way of doing it, but imo she needs a bit of a wake-up call. Enjoy your takeaway, do not feel guilty-she can't continue to get by like this so you're doing her a bit of a favour. I'd be embarassed if that was my child.

"when I asked her to maybe shut the door with a little less force late at night so as not to wake the household she looked like she was about to cry."

Then I'm afraid you'll probably have to make her cry!