Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have only ordered takeaway for two?

95 replies

LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 19:16

Grrr. DH and I have our DN staying with us (early twenties) while she looks for work - apparently - and a place to live. It was meant to be for three weeks. It has now been two months. She is very sweet, a bit sappy and has clearly been mollycoddled her whole life but she isn't trouble or anything. However, she does use our place as a hotel, has cooked a couple of times but generally I cook and clean and even stood ironing her clothes the other day while she watched. I don't think she's ever volunteered to do anything resembling housework apart from stack the dishwasher on the odd evening. We haven't asked her for any money for anything, it's family, and the Big Smoke is a tough enough place so DH and I feel we should help in that sense.

However, we are a bit bored of always feeding her dinner, and if we get take out never having even the offer of a contribution (which we would refuse, it's just nice to be asked). SO tonight after an extremely stressful day with a toddler and an unforeseen household issue, I have ordered take away, but just for myself and DH without even offering her any.

I'm being a bit of a cow aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 19:37

I think I'm struggling with the asking for contribution because initially I was under the impression she was just like a house guest on a three week holiday - I never expected it to go on so long. And so I don't know how to broach the subject without it seeming mean. It's not about the money, we can afford to feed her, I just feel that she has bad manners and doesn't even offer. I fear she will also spend her way through her savings and have to stay with us for free for longer while she looks for and hopefully gets a job and saves for a deposit.

OP posts:
SlipperyNipple · 26/06/2012 19:37

You have to be honest with her. Tell her that she came on the understanding that she was looking for somewhere else. That while she is staying she has to cook and clean.

I was clueless and shy at that age and would have needed to be told. Once I had been told I would have done what is asked.

Also could you talk to her parents about the fact she is still with you and being a bit useless. Stop being mother number 2 and tell her she can use the iron/dishwasher/cooker etc.

StrawberryMojito · 26/06/2012 19:38

It's not a case of asking, it's a case of telling her. Say to her (very nicely) that whilst her staying with you was initially a short term arrangement and you were happy to support her fully, it has now become longer term and you would like to set some ground rules. Then ask her for a financial contribution (even if very small), and give her a list if things that you want her to do, eg share washing up, her own laundry on a regular basis. If she's not happy and doesn't keep to your new rules then she can feel free to tough it out in the big wide world.

WorraLiberty · 26/06/2012 19:39

Why don't you have a word with her parents if you feel too awkward to speak to her about it?

Original poster
LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 19:39

Slippery her mum is the prime mollycoddler. I think she irons her DD's duvet before and after she puts it on her bed for her. I'm serious.

OP posts:
SlipperyNipple · 26/06/2012 19:40

You really are going to have to just calmly tell her the score. You are being passive aggressive which is a weak way of handling things.

mumeeee · 26/06/2012 19:40

Yes YABU.

LineRunner · 26/06/2012 19:41

Is it really that embarrassing to treat her like an adult?

SlipperyNipple · 26/06/2012 19:42

Oh dear. Well she is going to have a nasty surprise when she ends up in her own place doing everything for herself.

Maybe you just have to give her a time limit to go. I think she is being a bit rubbish.

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/06/2012 19:42

Maybe sit down with her and say that as it seems she will be staying with you longer, and not so much of a holiday, you need to arrange with her how she will contribute to the running of the house.

Ask her what she thinks is reasonable in terms of rent / chores. Ask her is she wants you to prepare a third dish at every meal and give money towards it or not give food money and cater for herself. Tell her the bed linens need washing each week which you wilk do with yiur own but that she needs to start doing her own laundry AND ironing.

Ffs I dont even iron my own clothes.

ViolaCrayola · 26/06/2012 19:44

If you have actually asked her many times to help and she has ignored you, and going to her parents won't work - you have no choice but to try being really straight with her. EG -
'We just don't feel you're pulling your weight as you're now living here more long term.'

'If you're going to stay here we need to agree on a list of things you can do each week (and possibly financial contribution).'
Tidying/cleaning/cooking/babysitting?

WhiteWidow · 26/06/2012 19:44

It's shocking that this girl is older than me and it hasn't occured to her to help out.

OlympicFlame · 26/06/2012 19:46

I'm sorry but she is your niece and she is either welcome in your home or not. Which one is it? If she's welcome then mention to her that you need her to make more effort to find work and be part of the household, maybe to babysit toddler once a week and cook a meal once/twice a week (and anything else you can junk of). Talk to get for goodness sake. But to exclude her from a meal without prior notice is downright rude!

NatashaBee · 26/06/2012 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DublinMammy · 26/06/2012 19:48

She probably thinks everything's fine (especially if she is used to being indulged at home) and so to order food for yourselves but not her will come out of the blue and feel nasty, so I think in this case YABU.

Time to stop asking or expecting her to be psychic and starting setting out the house rules for someone who is now staying longer term with you.

And for God's sake step away from the iron!!

Yorkstar · 26/06/2012 19:54

I would have done the same, a short but sweet message should do the trick!
Yanbu

WhiteWidow · 26/06/2012 19:55

No-one is asking her to be psychic, commons sense and a bit of decency would do

Original poster
LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 19:57

Yes I'm cross with myself for the prime passive aggressive behaviour because it's not something I usually do, but she simpers so much and when I asked her to maybe shut the door with a little less force late at night so as not to wake the household she looked like she was about to cry. So now I'm tiptoeing around on eggshells.

Got my instant karma, mind. We just sneaked off to the lounge and ate so hastily that I have indigestion.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 26/06/2012 20:02

I thought you said she was sweet??!

signet2012 · 26/06/2012 20:03

I had this problem with my brother but I couldn't buy take away and leave him out because I'd feel mean and not enjoy it anyway. I'm a soft touch though Smile

What I would suggest is either hinting if you really can't say anything direct or just assuming when speaking. Ie " you will want to wash your bedding and clothes so I will make sure the washer is free tomorrow. Go out if you need to to stop yourself interfering

Original poster
LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 20:10

signet It's different with direct family, isn't it? If it was my brother, or my brother's daughter I'd be able to be much firmer and anyway, we were all brought up (with a rod of iron when it came to chores) to do our fair share and help without needing to be asked. It's just manners, isn't it?

Also two months as a house guest and not one offer of 'can I get you guys takeaway for a change' or even a bunch of petrol station flowers.

Gawd. IABU about the meal tonight, and worse a bit churlish, but with reason I think.

OP posts:
Shullbit · 26/06/2012 20:12

I have been paying full rent, bills, doing all laundry, cooking, cleaning etc since I was 16. Early twenties is not being too young to know any better. Don't butter it up all nice, TELL her she has to strip the bed, put it in the washer with the rest and click start and it needs doing in the next 10 minutes otherwise you will start it and she goes without. Tell her you have a lot of stuff to get done so she needs to cook dinner otherwise no one will be eating. Just tell her, and say that the shopping bills have shot up and so with it being a permanent thing now, you need X amount per week to help towards it. She may just still feel like it's not her home, and feels awkward and like she would be getting in the way (I know I do when visiting others houses) and just needs a gentle shove. You will soon see.

YABU to order takeaway without even consulting with her though. In that situation, I would of just said "Sorry, but I ain't cooking. Been a shit day so going to order in takeaway using the penny jar. You can add to the delivery mind you if you have some money or help yourself to the contents of the fridge" type thing, if she didn't feel awkward in someone elses home before, she will most definitely now.

rhondajean · 26/06/2012 20:13

As its your DHs nice could he say something?

Along the lines of "x, we are really happy to have you here, but now it's going to be for longer than we thought, we need to draw up a workable rota. We appreciate you aren't working but it is still costing us to keep you, does y a week sound reasonable from now on and which day would you like to use teh washing machine and iron?"

Foslady · 26/06/2012 20:14

Silly question maybe, but where exactly is she planning to live after she's got this job that she doesn't appear to be looking for...........? And if it's still with you and she's doing bugger all now that she's not working, how much more will you be doing IF the job ever comes to fruition............???

gordyslovesheep · 26/06/2012 20:20

YABU and rather passive aggressive - rather than doing all these things for her and not asking for money for the pot ...then seething about it TALK TO HER - ask her to do certain task like ironing her own clothes and get her to give you £10 a week towards food

Poor kid!