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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have only ordered takeaway for two?

95 replies

LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 19:16

Grrr. DH and I have our DN staying with us (early twenties) while she looks for work - apparently - and a place to live. It was meant to be for three weeks. It has now been two months. She is very sweet, a bit sappy and has clearly been mollycoddled her whole life but she isn't trouble or anything. However, she does use our place as a hotel, has cooked a couple of times but generally I cook and clean and even stood ironing her clothes the other day while she watched. I don't think she's ever volunteered to do anything resembling housework apart from stack the dishwasher on the odd evening. We haven't asked her for any money for anything, it's family, and the Big Smoke is a tough enough place so DH and I feel we should help in that sense.

However, we are a bit bored of always feeding her dinner, and if we get take out never having even the offer of a contribution (which we would refuse, it's just nice to be asked). SO tonight after an extremely stressful day with a toddler and an unforeseen household issue, I have ordered take away, but just for myself and DH without even offering her any.

I'm being a bit of a cow aren't I?

OP posts:
knitcorner · 26/06/2012 21:18

Ladyrabbit can I come and stay at your house for a few weeks? I could use a free holiday, I'll bring the takeaway Wink

Jux · 26/06/2012 21:18

Don't ask, tell. Tell her what her chores are and when they have to be done. Tell her what you want her contributing to - if anything. You are reviewing the situation, and this is how it's going to be because the 3 weeks are long gone, and so the situation is different.

Don't pussy-foot around. Just tell her this is what you expect.

Jux · 26/06/2012 21:20

Oh, and she definitely does her own washing and ironing, sheets are changed on such and such a day, etc.

Original poster
LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 21:45

foslady to her credit she is going for castings, but not getting anywhere. I think she is now realising that she will have to do something just to make a living while she keeps auditioning. But given her desired profession, I am surprised that she didn't do this straight away, as well as look for a place as soon as she came to us. We have been trying to be helpful - contacting our friends and anyone we know in the business who might be able to help her, chatting to her about areas to live or not live, jobs she might do. But I really think she thinks that she's going to wake up tomorrow and find herself as the new lead in the West End or something, which is entirely possible, but unlikely given her lack of work experience despite having trained. We also suggested that a flat share would be ideal - widen her circle of friends, allow her to live in a great area for less rent, less stress than taking on a lease herself etc., but she looks down her nose at it as she likes things just so. I can't help but feel she is cheating herself of a chance to really make new friends and grow her network. She's not shy at all, so I don't think it's that.

I am a bit worried because I can see this going on and on. I really like DH's family as a whole, but they are terribly gossipy, and once when she stayed as a student with her boyfriend and they ate us out of house and home and left us to come home to clear up their mess, I mentioned it to my MIL, asked her not to say anything as it was just that once so I let it go, and of course, my MIL said something. So, if it was my direct family, I would be firm (as I was with a freeloading cousin who came for a month and then on and off ended up with us for six.....long story). But I just know that my saying something will end up in gossip and I can't be sure my SIL wouldn't feel put out. It's all a bit awkward. I feel like we have tried to do a nice thing, didn't set ground rules because we didn't envisage this situation and now I feel uncomfortable and churlish confronting it. Thus my grump with the takeaway. Not grown up, I know.

OP posts:
Bobyan · 26/06/2012 21:55

Tell your DH to have a word, why does it have to be your problem?

AKE2012 · 26/06/2012 21:56

Id have ordered it and ate it infront of her and if she said anything id hand her the number for the takeaway place and her weeks notice. You and ur DH have to sit her down and go through rules and boundaries and get a set date for when she is leaving.

My ex once moved in a friend of his (without my say so). This friend ended up taking advantage and it got to the point where i dreaded going home. It was my HOME and i felt uncomfortable in it.

showtunesgirl · 26/06/2012 21:57

Why were ground rules not set out when she moved in?

Also, I know about this field and yes, there are a lot of people, even trained ones that know that as an actor you're unemployed a lot of the time but somehow think that this doesn't mean them. Well surprise, surprise, it DOES mean them. Even if you're a fairly successful actor, and I don't necessarily mean famous but get jobs a fair bit, you have to keep on chasing up other avenues, whether it be a boring desk job, write, produce, direct etc.

Seems to me, she needs a reality check as to what she is really doing.

And this is me speaking as a showtunesgirl of some 12 years and counting...

Original poster
LadyRabbit · 26/06/2012 22:00

showtunesgirl we didn't set ground rules because when her mum asked if DN could stay with us, it was 'just for a couple of weeks'. So to my mind it was like having friends from abroad coming to stay or something. Which, incidentally, we do have, for a trip arranged ages ago and now I'm left having to ask her to move out somewhere for a few days so my friends might be able to stay as we had already offered, and had no idea DN would still be here. All very awkward.

OP posts:
TeaAndSlanket · 26/06/2012 22:07

Three words. Grow a pair.

showtunesgirl · 26/06/2012 22:07

Do you know how she is getting her castings and what kind they are? Is it via an agent, off a website or off her own back / contacts? Because knowing what kind of castings would also indicate the likelihood of her being gone quicker if you don't say something!

ImperialBlether · 26/06/2012 22:19

The thing is, if you charge her rent, she may stay forever! Realistically you're not going to charge a fair rent, eg £150 per week plus bills plus food, so what's that, £250 per week? That's what it would cost her out there in the real world. So I wouldn't charge her anything; I'd get her to move out.

Whilst not charging her, I would give her a list of things you need from the shop every few days.

You need to make her feel uncomfortable, I'm afraid. Or stop her feeling comfortable. She's too happy with you and will be there with you for years (or until she finds a rich husband) unless you act now.

Isn't it about 95% of actors who are out of (acting) work at any time? Why does she think she'll be different?

ImperialBlether · 26/06/2012 22:19

The thing is, if you charge her rent, she may stay forever! Realistically you're not going to charge a fair rent, eg £150 per week plus bills plus food, so what's that, £250 per week? That's what it would cost her out there in the real world. So I wouldn't charge her anything; I'd get her to move out.

Whilst not charging her, I would give her a list of things you need from the shop every few days.

You need to make her feel uncomfortable, I'm afraid. Or stop her feeling comfortable. She's too happy with you and will be there with you for years (or until she finds a rich husband) unless you act now.

Isn't it about 95% of actors who are out of (acting) work at any time? Why does she think she'll be different?

ImperialBlether · 26/06/2012 22:19

Sorry about double post.

Inertia · 26/06/2012 22:30

Well, there's your get out clause. She will have to move out while your friends visit, and you can renegotiate arrangements before she moves back in.

veritythebrave · 26/06/2012 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

showtunesgirl · 26/06/2012 23:37

Verity, is that your real name? Just wondering if I know you, you didn't used to be part of ULOG did you?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/06/2012 12:29

Most of the teaching assistants in my school are failed actresses!

Crinkle77 · 27/06/2012 12:41

Why are you doing her ironing? She is old enough to do it herself. It would have been easier to lay down ground rules at the beginning but I think you should talk to her

dreamingofsun · 27/06/2012 12:44

where do her parents live? could she not just come down and stay with you when she has castings?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2012 19:14

How is this going now, LadyRabbit? Any improvement?

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