AIBU to think ils giving sil 75k for no apparent reason is rather strange?

[dreamsofshopping]

Hi, sil recently told my dh that their parents had paid this amount off her mortgage. She is early 30s, no dc and earns a very good wage. I know that it is none of our business, their choice and though such a gesture towards my husband wouldn't be turned down we are comfortable for which I am very grateful for. Dh states that he has no issues with this at all, which is great. I have no siblings so cannot relate. However Aibu? to think this is rather odd, why did she tell him? Just before I'm asked, I am not the biggest fan of the sil (or mil) so am abit biased for the start!

Sorry but I do think it is OP business. I think things like this should be discussed openly as a family, otherwise it can become dysfunctional.

The SIL told her brother about the money, she cannot expect questions not to be asked.

Damsel what a nasty outlook. No matter how much I disliked a child's partner, I would keep them fair out of decency and love.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and it is this kind of attitude that breeds it

I'm not dysfunctional.

The OP says she doesn't like the ILs. I'm sure the ILs are aware of that. If I were in those shoes I'm not giving money to someone who doesn't feel much for me and the feeling is mutual. I'm just not a mug.

I suppose it is none of the OP's business.

But I have to say as a parent of 2 DC's and having 2 DSS's, I would find it very hard to give an enormous sum like that to one individual.

I suspect my parents have helped my Brother out considerably, due to something that was said. And am about it. But my own children, it would just gall to be honest. And If I found myself having to make a decision to do so, I would do my damnedest to try and redress the balance.

So you would allow one of your kids to lose out?

I could not give one of my kids that kind of money without open discussion and trying to make it fair.

Maybe OP doesn't like ILs because they show favouritism towards the daughter? Why? Because they don't like their son's wife?

Yup dysfunctional

There will be more to this I am sure

Well, I think it is the OP's business. That's £75k that isn't going to come to her DH now when the ILs die. I would be put out, frankly. And I know that sounds mercenary but I think you would have to be a saint not to be a little bit mercenary about these things.

No rubberglove, I would put it into an investment for the child who didn't get anything because of the scenario already described.

I would hate for my children's spouses to feel so entitled. And I wouldn't give simply on that basis alone.

To be honest if they were an open and fair family then even if the daughter was in trouble and really needed the money, well they could discuss that and I am sure people would be understanding

It is the lack of communication and secrecy which spells trouble

Maybe there's some reason you don't know about, either way I don't see why it's any of your business or affects you in any way. Don't think your DH has been 'excluded' or 'lost out' any more than if they hadn't given any money to anyone.

Also not seeing how this is dishonest of his parents. Did they lie and say they hadn't given anything? Or did they just not tell you, because they don't actually have to inform you of how they choose to spend their own money?

You're all adults now. It's ridiculous to be still essentially bickering over who got the bigger slice of cake or who is mummy or daddy's favourite.

Well Damsel whilst I understand your view point, that would cause conflict and issues

Sounds to me like there is already conflict and issues. The OP says she doesn't like her ILs and they don't like her.

Ephiny you obviously don't understand the deep emotional complications in families where there has been dysfunction

I'm sure that's why her and her DH haven't got £75 from the ILs

I would be hacked off at SIL for being such a stirrer and knowingly driving the wedge between you and ILs a little deeper.

I'd be surprised if they hadn't thought of balancing things up by making extra provision in their will for your DH, unless you are both v comfortably off and they honestly don't think you need the help.

Given her divorce and no kids situation I can understand them wanting to help her in any way they can. They can't give her the content, complete family life you and DH have got but they can pay off her mortgage so have done. I wouldn't begrudge her the money. I just think it's improper of her to have pulled a childish "I'm telling you something I shouldn't so don't tell that I've told" about it. Putting you and DH in awkward situation. As such I'd drop her in it, ask DH to raise it with his parents but not in confrontational way, just to clear the air. Unless DH is not bothered in which case leave well alone, it's his call really.

It may be she doesn't like her ILs for good reason?

I grew up in a family where there was favouritism, scapegoating and secrets.

Yes we are all adults now, but well it isn't as simple as that is it?

Believe me I grew up in a very dysfunctional family! Maybe that's why I've had to learn to get on with my own life and not worry about it, but I honestly can't imagine being so bothered about what my parents might do or think, or about things being 'fair' between me and my adult siblings.

I came into some money about 5 years ago, and at the time one of my DSS's had a girlfriend was a very difficult girl to get on with and like. She was very critical of me and my parenting .
The other's girlfriend was just easier to get on with, friendlier and we have a lovely if not massively close relationship.

It never occurred to me to give DSS1 less because of the relationship he was in.

I equally don't think that was any of my business. He was happy at the time and how he spent the money was up to him.

As a previous poster said it's quite liberating not giving a shit

This is a fundamental part of my life philosophy. In all seriousness.

OP, I obviously don't know the history but if you can improve the relationship with your ILs and SIL that would be lovely for your DCs, DH and (I expect) your SIL too. She is obviously stirring but take the moral high ground, be charming around her and if she ever talks about it with you say you are very happy for her to have that weight off her mind. It can't be undone now and you can decide whether to feel resentful or accepting.

'It's quite liberating not giving a shit'

Oh how I wish I could feel like that. I get so wound up by injustices and unfairness

I know my mental health would improve if I could give less of a shit

Rubberglove some things are worth bothering about, but IMO the trick is telling the difference and not worrying unduly over things that

you can't change

you've tried your level best to change and got nowhere

you shouldn't try to change because the outcome could be worse for everyone, which I think is the case here if OP makes her opinion on it being unfair known.

Mind you I don't like confrontation :)

'It's quite liberating not giving a shit'

This, much more concisely, is basically what I was trying to say :)

DGAS "don't give a shit" - new MN acronym? or steaming poo icon?

I think not giving a shit takes a certain amount of confidence in oneself doesn't it?

I need to work on that