AIBU to think ils giving sil 75k for no apparent reason is rather strange?

[dreamsofshopping]

Hi, sil recently told my dh that their parents had paid this amount off her mortgage. She is early 30s, no dc and earns a very good wage. I know that it is none of our business, their choice and though such a gesture towards my husband wouldn't be turned down we are comfortable for which I am very grateful for. Dh states that he has no issues with this at all, which is great. I have no siblings so cannot relate. However Aibu? to think this is rather odd, why did she tell him? Just before I'm asked, I am not the biggest fan of the sil (or mil) so am abit biased for the start!

Maybe they are putting your DHs share aside for your dc?

I can completely see why this bothers you. Something similar happened in DH's family. DH is one of 4. His eldest brother earns the most (about 4 x DH's salary) yet when they couldn't sell their house, DFIL offered to do a straight swap - ie he moved into their 3 bed semi in a rubbish area and they got his 4 bed detached in a posh area - they didn't take out an extra mortgage even though they could have afforded to and had been looking at houses worth quite a bit more than FIL's. So FIL effectively gave them about £90K (difference between the valuations of his house and theirs) So they also save all the interest they would have paid over the term of the mortgage on that money too. They have a ridiculous amount of disposable income, spend lots of money on all sorts of gadgets and junk, and loads of holidays. DH and his brothers were a bit and understandably IMO, as the one who is financially best off now has the family home they all grew up in and the lowest mortgage out of any of the brothers. DH (who is the lowest earner) only just breaks even each month with mortgage payments on his modest house, can't afford to run a second car, doesn't take foreign hols etc. FIL has been very open about doing this, telling everyone what he's done, yet he always goes on about how fair he is

There is another reason to give her money at this point but not your dh. Unfortunately it won't endear them to you but I suspect that ship has sailed anyway. Your sil has been divorced. That may have set them thinking - how secure is your relationship with dh. If you were to split up they wouldn't want to see their hard earned cash being carried off in part by you. Plenty of parents and grandparents make decisions like that.

Why did she tell your dh? Some families have favourites and don't mind treating one better than the other. Maybe that's the 'reason' and she's rubbing his nose in it? Or maybe it's not even true and she's just really insecure? Or maybe there's a good reason but it's between sil and her parents. You'll never really know. I would want to though!!

Why did she tell your dh? Some families have favourites and don't mind treating one better than the other. Maybe that's the 'reason' and she's rubbing his nose in it? Or maybe it's not even true and she's just really insecure? Or maybe there's a good reason but it's between sil and her parents. You'll never really know. I would want to though!!

I am 1 of 7 and it wouldn't bother me if my parent gave another sibling money without me.

My younger sister gets alot from my parents alot more than I ever did, but I am glad they can do this for her as money was very tight growing up infact they can afford to send her through UNI after a levels. I hope she has a fantastic life.

Would never resent her for having a better chance in life than I did

The honestly bit comes in when they have clearly told sil not to tell us any of it. Why do that is there is no guilt involved? If they had told us fine, it just puts us in a strange position of knowing now. Do we pretend not too? They have done similar things in the past so there is history. will not go into that though! You had to be there.....

If she's recently divorced there may be stuff going on with her finances that you don't know about. Has she had to buy XH out of her house?

and 75k is alot of money!

I don't think they're going to give you an explanation OP and as much as we'd all love to know why they gave your SIL all that money it probably isn't worth upsetting the apple cart over.

If they just gave her the money because she's their 'favourite' how would your DH feel if they said that out loud? It's best to just leave him thinking about other possibilities imo!

DP's parents bought him a spice rack for his birthday...they're buying his sister (2 years younger) a £600 laptop. Such is life!

agree with vodka that bringing it up with SIL or PILS will achieve FA other than satisfy our/your nosey curiosity. it could also damage relationship with DH.
Caution :-)

She got divorced a good few years back and they quite rightly helped her out then also. In reality I'm not going to say anything as I do feel it is due to her being the prefered child, therefore wouldn't want to upset dh. He is aware anyway but he has his own family now which is what she wants so he feels sorry for her. I admire him for this. I'm also grateful to be an only child, there are benefits!

Admire him for not being resentful that is!

I wrote a post on this and then decided to change my name- this is such a sensitive topic. I feel for you and sometimes think parents miss on appreciating the struggles in life of a quiet child (adult) who just gets on with things and is not a drama queen.....I have a similar painful situation with my wealthy child free sister getting a bequest inexplicably whilst I am raising 2 disabled kids and my parents have made no provision for them... my father's death has made it impossible to raise the issue and I must make peace with the situation and get on with my life.

very tempted to casually bring it up in conversation just to see what happens really. Adds abit of drama to Sunday lunch perhaps? Sil may get timeout though for telling (sorry couldn't resist)

bitter

Bitter, no. Annoyed and rather peed off by their principles about about excluding dh, most definately. There is a lot more history to this around sil being treated like and acting like a spoilt child. It was a joke. She would get grounded anyway, not timeout ;)

The honestly bit comes in when they have clearly told sil not to tell us any of it. Why do that is there is no guilt involved? If they had told us fine, it just puts us in a strange position of knowing now. Do we pretend not too? They have done similar things in the past so there is history. will not go into that though! You had to be there.....

I don't understand your attitude about 'honesty' here at all.

You and your DH are not the Inland Revenue...your PILs don't have to 'declare' their outgoings to you.

When I split up with my first Husband, I asked my parents for a loan because I was desperate and they said to me, "Don't feel bad about asking...we've helped all of you out at times (my 4 siblings) we'd never say why, or how much but we have."

I totally respected that.

YABU
It's between the ILs and their daughter.

Agree with Worra

I think its fair enough to envy anybody who is handed 75 grand.

But on the other hand, I envy you for having in laws who need to tax plan! My dear MIL hasn't a pot to pee in. So my DP won't be getting a penny, now or ever.

MIL is lovely though and v generous in other ways. I know she wishes herself she had more to give her kids and grandkids.

My dh suspects/knows this happens with his sister. He's not hurt by the financial aspect as his parents have been generous to us but my SIL is obviously the golden child and no matter how nasty or difficult she is or how much we pick up the pieces she will always be massively favoured. It's worse now she has a child as we feel it's happening with the next generation as well.
I have recently decided to take a step back from it after a particularly difficult period and would encourage you to do the same it's quite liberating not giving a shit.

It's good the family is open, and good for DH not being jealous. I would personally be very curious and try to find the reason why. Usually parents try very hard to be fair with their children, and I am sure this is no exception. As others say, it may be that she benefits from having the money now and perhaps they thought she could use the money now to move, travel, retrain or do something else to give her life focus.

My MIL has already signed her house over to BIL, and she doesn't have any savings or anything else of any value.

I couldn't care less, it is nothing to do with me. I feel sad for my DH that he has been sidelined, but I am glad she has done it now rather than in her will.

Ok I should have read the entire thread!

I agree that it's not good to dwell on it with DH as he is probably aware she's the favourite but perhaps accepts it and doesn't give it too much thought. I think this is the best attitude because you can't change IL behaviour. It would drive me crazy though!

Twolittlemonkeys - that's shocking. How could anyone think of that as fair?

Maybe the parents helped the daughter out because she's on her own and they are concerned about her, wanted to give her a little more security in life. After all you have your DH, you too apparently are secure together, and the ILs see that.

Maybe the ILs don't like you, as you don't like them, and when they told their daughter not to mention it, maybe they meant don't mention it to you because they know what you're like, and know you'd wander/want to know why your DP didn't get the same.

Maybe they are holding his just in case/or in the hopes that your relationship doesn't last and they don't want you to get half.

If I wanted to gift my son a large sum of money but didn't like his partner and visa versa, I would be afraid to gift it to him just in case she got her grubby mitts on it.

I think it does bother you. It bother you enough to bring it here.