to think if you want to work in silence, don't go to a coffee shop

[whimsicalname]

I was in a chain coffee shop this morning, across the road from our city museum, waiting with my 2 year old for it to open.

I was drinking my coffee, he sat opposite me eating raisins. Other people were working, or chatting, or reading the paper. You know, doing normal coffee shop stuff.

After a while, the boy gets up to wander around. He's not running, he's not sticky, he's just mingling. He walked towards a man with a laptop. Stood nearby him, and then said hello. Man looked up at me, and said 'do you mind, I'm concentrating here' in a really unpleasant way.

If I'd been with a couple of friends chatting we'd have made a lot more noise but I can't help but feel he probably wouldn't have told us off!

We were across the road from the university library (which has some open access areas) and all of 200m away from the city central library, so plenty of options for quiet. Blimey, he could even have sat in the cathedral for some quiet contemplation.

AIBU or was he?

Theres a time and a place to do your work , I don't think a cafe is one of them

I'm not very keen on being approached by anyone whilst trying to read or write or just think in a coffee shop. I don't mind background noise as it becomes white noise. But if that noise is directed at me - even if it's a toddler - then I dislike the intrusion. I don't let my DD wander in coffee shops or cafes and certainly not to go up to other people.

YABU.

usualsuspect - as I said upthread, I go to a coffee shop sometimes to work for a change of scene and for background noise. Generally, people don't come and chat to you if you're sitting alone with a laptop. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be able to drink a coffee in peace.

Was the man working, though? This has been inferred by the OP. What does it matter what he was doing? if you don't want to talk, then you don't. And he didn't ask for silence, either.

His manner was off, though

Sometimes needs must usualsuspect. My colleagues often work in cafes when they have a space between appointments - either there isn't time to go back to the office or, in the case of many colleagues across the City, there are a lot more staff than there are desks available in these cost cutting, 'agile working' days.

Coffee shops are not exactly peaceful places though are they?

Well tbh the coffee shop I work in is not an extension of your office

I can't imagine anywhere worse. I don't even like meeting people there for coffee in a social way, but it's an incredibly popular way of keeping in touch in Melbourne, there are little coffee shops/cafes everywhere, and they're always heaving; full of lycra-clad cyclists at the weekend. Too noisy for me.

I don't think a 2 year old knows how to 'mingle'. Mingling is what adults do in appropriate social situations. A 2 year old will simply indiscriminately approach people and talk at them. YABU in thinking everyone else wants to talk back to your child.

When my children were toddlers, I took them to a coffee shop and talk to them myself. If I wanted a situation where my children could interact with other adults and children we'd go out with friends. I wouldn't expect my children to approach random strangers and strike up a conversation with them. Unfortunately some parents mistake this sort of behaviour for being good parenting, in allowing their children to gain some sort of socialisation skills. It isn't. Children learn from talking to adults who are choosing to be there interacting with them, not from talking at people who might be wanting to focus on other things

If people want to work whilst in the coffee shop why shouldn't they? They've paid their money, they have their seat. If I've gone to a coffee shop for a bit of peace then I wouldn't be encouraging of anyone coming over to chat, adult or child.

The man probably was a little abrupt op, but at the end of the day if it was obvious he was otherwise engaged then I wouldn't have let my children go up to him in the first place. Actually, I make the kids sit at the table so they wouldn't be wandering around anyway. Too dangerous in a cafe environment.

agree with everything SDTG said. The laptop should have been a visual clue for the OP to warn the child not to approach 'the busy man' so he wouldn't get the brush-off in the first place.

I'm more than happy to chat with toddlers in public spaces but not if I'm clearly mentally engaged with something else, whether it's a book, or a laptop, or a conversation with someone else. I don't expect young children to be able to read subtle social signals like 'polite ignoring' but I'd expect the parent supervising them to help out by teaching them.

I'm not particularly fond of other children BUT I always encouraged mine to chatter to older people in park or supermarkets because children have to be socialised with all age groups. They would know when to interact and when to back off. It's about body language.

My guess is a coffee shop is somewhere for quiet reflection - tho' our Starbucks/Costa Coffee etc are full of pushchairs and screaming toddlers so personally, if I were wanting quite time its the last place I'd be looking.

YABU he just wanted to be left in peace and not have a toddler interrupting him. I don't think a toddler should be wondering round a coffee shop to much hot liquid around.

She was upstairs away from the busy flow of the cafe. She let her child have a little wander as she watched him. He went up to a man and said hello. The man immediately snapped at the mum "in a really unpleasant way" before she could apologise or usher him away. Where does the fault lie? Really.... It is clear to me. I don't really understand the why the OP is getting a hard time.

If the OP were in the middle of a busy cafe with a child running amok while she indulgently smiled and did nothing, that would be a different story... obviously. But she wasn't.

And the man had probably gone up their because it was quieter. She shouldn't have let him go up and disturb someone who was obviously busy.

Dont see why he should have to talk to a child that you ve let wander off. Hes 2, you shouldnt be letting him wander up and start bothering people. Its rude.

My reservations about the way this man behaved stem from the fact that I don't think coffee shops 'ought' to be places where people can work uninterrupted. If you want to work in an appropriate and conducive atmosphere, try your office. Or home. When, exactly, was it determined that coffee shops were some extension of the workplace? I made the point earlier on in the thread, so apologies for being boring and repetitive, but the thread's become a parenting-bashing exercise.

Incidentally, I wouldn't dream of letting my young DC bother someone, but you have to be a miserly, miserable bastard indeed to think that a toddler saying 'hello' constitutes a bother.

Anyone who thinks that having a 2 year old that says hello to someone is poor parenting is a bit strange IMO

Well it could be argued that customers aren't there to entertain other peoples children either reshape soft play centres and the park are better environments for that

He didnt say he was working, he said he was "concentrating".

The 2 year old said hello. The man was a miserable sod.

Children of that age should be allowed to wander off a bit - under a watchful parental eye of course - they are learning by discovery and part of that is interacting with other people... isn't it?

So long as you are not upset that "Fuck Off" is part of their interaction discovery experience.

IMO it is incredibly inconsiderate fwiw.

No one is denying that Usual but was he BU? No, I dont think he was.

"...but the thread's become a parenting-bashing exercise."
Yes it has... how did that happen? All the toddler did was say hello

I think he was unreasonable to expect to work uninterrupted in a public place.