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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to attend church with family that I am staying with?

79 replies

AmIbeingapain · 20/06/2012 14:21

We are visiting some family members in a couple of weekends. They have talked about us all joining them in church on the Sunday morning. I don't want to go, I understand they want to go, and I'm happy for my children and partner to attend if they want to but I don't want to. But... I am a guest staying in their house over the weekend, so don't want to be mega rude either.

Is there a debretts guide for this sort of thing, or should I stick to my guns? It is going to be a mega stressful weekend anyway as we really don't see each other very often and have very little in common, and I know I will end up having to counsel DP for days afterwards as the relationship between him and the family is vexed.

OP posts:

NoComet · 20/06/2012 15:00

Fans Hully,

I'm sitting on the fence as an atheist who goes to church when it's easier not to.
And lies by omission, to my DFather about doing so.

I often went to church when DMIL was alive because it was important to her.

She knew I drew the line at Good Friday which is really depressing if you don't believe in the resurrection.

Living in a small village with a Cof E school, it's easier to go sometimes.

DD2 is getting very grumpy about it which means I've avoid the last couple and just sent DH who has faith and DD1 who sings.

Certainly don't worry about going.
We married in DMILs church the vicar knew I didn't believe a word of it.

fifitrixibell · 20/06/2012 15:01

I don't think you should feel obliged to go if you don't want to - we're Christians and go to church every sunday, but if we have guests (mainly my family) who are not, we invite them but but make it a light hearted 'you're welcome to come with us but don't feel you have to' kind of invitation. I am absolutely not offended if they choose to go and do something else.
Are you able to be open with them and just say, 'I'd rather not but I don't want to offend you' . You may find they are not offended.

Hully i faint if anyone I invite to church actually accepts!

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2012 15:02

I wouldn't too worried about bursting into flames.

blackcurrants · 20/06/2012 15:03

We had this with my lovely Brother and SIL - whom in all other respects we adore and get on very well with - neither DH nor I have any faith, and though I would go along to a standard C of E sing-and-handshake-and-weak-tea deal, just to keep things smooth, they belong to a very happy clappy C of E church where one gets 'welcomed' a lot and 'invited to learn more' and (gulp) asked "can I pray for you, to ask the lord to help you in the search for His Grace?" while you're trying to drink the horrible coffee at the end.

DH got absolutely ambushed one time by a colleague of DBro's trying to convert him, and it brought things somewhat to a head. We've said we would love to visit again for a weekend but won't be joining them at church or any prayer meetings, alternately we could arrange our visits so they don't run over Sundays... they have backed off since then, but it was bloody awkward and (imo) quite inhospitable, considering that they know DH and I are very pronounced atheists.

I never hector them in my home about why religious belief is silly/outdated/oppressive/whatever. I try to make them feel very welcome and comfortable. So I resented being 'nudged' towards Jesus all the time I was there. Thankfully I really do get on well with them apart from this issue, and we were able to have a conversation along the lines of "I think we'll all get on better if we never discuss our religious beliefs, or lack thereof. This includes how we speak to each other's children.'' -

Erm. Long story short: OP YANBU to say, "no, I'm not coming thanks. See you in a bit." No one would expect you to go along to a mosque or a synagogue, people are just saying "oh just go" because there's an assumption that everyone in the UK is "default" christian unless declared otherwise, so they can put up with a bit of it here and there. But actually, that's not the case.

Offer to do some housework while they're out, if you want to sweeten the deal. :)

Hullygully · 20/06/2012 15:08

kniddy - new, unsuspecting spud-peeling atheist guests

TheVermiciousKnid · 20/06/2012 15:12

That might work.

PurplePidjin · 20/06/2012 15:19

No one should do anything religious they don't believe in! Maybe the OP is Jewish/Muslim/Buddhist, and doesn't want other people's views rammed down her throat. Maybe the host family are trying to convert the OP's family, and polite attendance will result in abombardment of leaflets, emails, phone calls about their next visit. Maybe the OP was sexually abused by a priest and has a phobua.

Forcing religion is the height of rudeness, and a polite "Thank you but I prefer my church/am not a believer/follow X religion" should be plenty.

PS I would attend out of curiosity, as long as that wouldn't offend anyone. Particularly a culture I wasn't familiar with. But it's still a personal choice!

MadgesRightNip · 20/06/2012 15:27

Dont do it. They cant force you to go, FGS.

When we visit MIL abroad, I stay in bed until after she has left for church

MrJasc · 20/06/2012 15:35

I regularly attend atheist and humanist groups. I'd feel very rude asking Christian friends to come along. It would feel like I was completely disrespecting their beliefs. I would feel incredibly rude expecting them to come along because they were staying with us.

YANBU to say a very firm ?no?.

amicissimma · 20/06/2012 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amicissimma · 20/06/2012 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puffberto · 20/06/2012 15:47

They are being unreasonable expecting you to go to church with them and that's why you're going to have to do it! However polite/firm you are about refusing, unreasonable people will make you feel in the wrong. You know if you don't go, it'll create tension which will be a nightmare for you and your partner to deal with. Get it over with and have a very big gap before you go and stay again.

MrJasc · 20/06/2012 15:49

amicissimma that is not an uncommon response.

I have seriously considered going on the alpha course for the same reason.

But I think there is a difference between an invite out of the blue, which to me would feel like a rude attempt to proselytise, and inviting someone who said - as you just have - that they would find it interesting after I'd mentioned it in relation to something else.

If you do feel the need - humanistgroups.org.uk

PrincessFiorimonde · 20/06/2012 15:51

I wouldn't go.

I often stay with my brother and his family, who go to church every Sunday. I don't go with them - just stay in with the newspaper.

But they are lovely, easy-going people and I love seeing them.

Sounds as if this might not be the case for you, OP, if this is going to be a 'mega stressful weekend anyway as we really don't see each other very often and have very little in common'.

If you feel like that, maybe a trip to church might be the least of your problems.

If you have to/feel you must visit this people in a dutiful sort of way, do you mind much if they do take offence at your non-attendance at church?

wildswans · 20/06/2012 15:52

It's polite to invite you, but you shouldn't go if you don't want to and they shouldn't expect you to.

madhairday · 20/06/2012 15:54

There's no way on earth I'd expect guests to come to church with us, we'd either tell them to relax for the morning and get them the papers etc or more likely we'd postpone going to the evening and go out wiht them to the pub/country house etc. However fervent I am about my belief, and I am, it is wrong to pressurise others in this way. OP you'd be totally fine to say 'I'd prefer not to' and if they pressure you then that's a problem they have. Hope it works out.

yellowraincoat · 20/06/2012 15:56

I think it is far ruder of them to expect you to go than for you to not go.

madhairday · 20/06/2012 15:56

Church coffee is widely abysmal, unfortunately. In our church meetings we have naice coffee and donuts.

NovackNGood · 20/06/2012 15:58

Well the simple thing to do is think of it this way if they were swingers and they normally swung on a saturday night would it be acceptable for them to invite house guests and expect that meant the house guest had to take part. NO. So they should not expect house guests to accompany them to church and they are being rude for thinking it is acceptable to expect house guest to be evangelised to just because they ere given accommodation for the night.

TapirBackRider · 20/06/2012 16:00

Actually if I were having guests over a weekend, I wouldn't be going to church, I'd stay at home being hospitable. Missing one week isn't going to make any difference, but would help visitors feel more welcome.

Hullygully · 20/06/2012 16:15

Now if the church was a swinging church...

Original poster

AmIbeingapain · 20/06/2012 16:20

Right back from the school run and read through the thread.

I do agree that it seems barmy to visit them at all, it was more at their insistence but we do recognise it a bit as family duty and are prepared to grin and bear it. The whole relationship between DP and his sibling is very hard for for many reasons and that isn't the issue for this weekend, we recognise that we have to put up with him and he with us.

DP's family are all Christians and celebrate their faith very outwardly, it's always been a big part of their lives. Over the years DP has stopped going to church and is quite angry about some of his bringing up, I feel much less happy about church and (all) organised religion than I used to. We both feel that DP's parents and this sibling are disappointed by this. But they also aren't prepared to discuss it with DP or us, it's always kind of left unsaid- again maybe what happens in a lot of families about various things.

I won't make a big fuss, I will just say no thanks, but can I make lunch etc etc and leave it at that. I already have my card marked with his sibling and I'm not that bothered what he thinks.

I think having worked through this and reading your responses I do think it's partly a representation of the whole difficult relationship- the sibling just doesn't know us, he thinks of DP as he was 20 years ago, hasn't really made an effort to be a part of our lives.

I'd like to think I could get through it with copious wine but they also think anything over a glass a week is pushing it. Argh!

OP posts:

LimeLeafLizard · 20/06/2012 16:24

You should come to our church they are a right bunch of boozers where there is wine served after the service.

pictish · 20/06/2012 16:29

I wouldn't go if it were me. I'm not remotely interested in attending a church service for any reason, and would feel foolish and hypocritical if I did attend just to keep someone else happy. I wouldn't ever insist that a guest attend something they weren't interested in just to keep me happy, and church is no different from anything else.
If they're delusional religious, that's their problem - they have no right to make it yours as well.

Trifle · 20/06/2012 16:30

To be honest I think if you are travelling a long way to visit for a weekend only then they are extremely rude to take themselves off for a couple of hours. I am sure there are other services they can go to instead that wont clash with your visit. Presumably they wont be struck down by missing one service. Now what would God want, making an effort at forging sibling relationships or a couple of hail mary's.

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