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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to attend church with family that I am staying with?

79 replies

AmIbeingapain · 20/06/2012 14:21

We are visiting some family members in a couple of weekends. They have talked about us all joining them in church on the Sunday morning. I don't want to go, I understand they want to go, and I'm happy for my children and partner to attend if they want to but I don't want to. But... I am a guest staying in their house over the weekend, so don't want to be mega rude either.

Is there a debretts guide for this sort of thing, or should I stick to my guns? It is going to be a mega stressful weekend anyway as we really don't see each other very often and have very little in common, and I know I will end up having to counsel DP for days afterwards as the relationship between him and the family is vexed.

OP posts:
GhouliaYelps · 20/06/2012 14:22

I was in this situation a couple of weeks ago. I ended up going as I didn't want a scene, really didn't want to though I feel your pain...

Northernlurker · 20/06/2012 14:23

Why don't you want to go? Nothing wrong with not going but I think knowing why you don't want to go might be helpful in advising you further.

shrimponastick · 20/06/2012 14:24

I would say no - you don't have to go.

But I wouldn't mind - and it's only an hour or so out of your day. It is possibly very important to them - and they want to share it with their guests ?

Callisto · 20/06/2012 14:25

Think you need to suck it up this time. They are opening their house to you, it would be beyond rude to refuse to sacrifice an hour of your time to do something that is important to them. And doubly important if it greases the family wheels a bit.

Alameda · 20/06/2012 14:25

is it worth going to stay with them at all if it is all going to be so stressful?

you probably won't die from going to their church though and surely it is the gracious thing to do

PandaWatch · 20/06/2012 14:25

Are you worried about catching Christianity?

It'll be over and done with in an hour. If you're already envisaging a stressful weekend why make it more so?

squeakytoy · 20/06/2012 14:26

I would go for the sake of what? an hour or two? .. it would just make life easier I imagine.

docket · 20/06/2012 14:26

Yanbu. I would just v briefly and politely say you don't want to go.

sue52 · 20/06/2012 14:27

This used to happen regularly when DH and I visited my family. We didn't go and eventually they gave up and stopped asking us to join them. It sounds as though you don't want to visit in the first place and church attendance is a side issue.

Frontpaw · 20/06/2012 14:27

I wouldn't go if you are uncomfortable or its a different denomination. I'd probably make my excuses(don't usually attend, been already that week...) and tell them ill put the roast in the oven.

I wouldn't expect a host to do more than say that they are going and to ask if you wanted to come too. Its rude to 'assume' or put pressure on.

itsatiggerday · 20/06/2012 14:27

We go to church every week. Would always invite houseguests to come as it would seem rude either to assume they would or walk out the house without them, but if they don't want to, that's fine. Would either come with us and visit somewhere while we went, or stay home in bed / with the paper if they prefer. Wouldn't be offended and wouldn't want them to come under any duress. It sounds like the dynamic isn't entirely straightforward for you, but just wanted to suggest that there may be no reason to get stressed about saying 'Thanks for the invitation, but I'd rather hang out here if you don't mind' or whatever.

ripsishere · 20/06/2012 14:27

I have been in this situation with my late MiL. I was expected to attend church whenever we stayed with them (seldom). I did twice then, after discussing it with DH agreed that it was ridiculous since I am an atheist.
OTOH, it really is one hour out of your life.

DonInKillerHeels · 20/06/2012 14:28

Just go; it's part of the social obligations of the weekend, and you'll miss seeing them for a substantial part of your time there if you don't go. You won't catch god germs. And if you don't go, you are likely to exacerbate existing social tensions in the family for no good reason.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 20/06/2012 14:28

I'm a regular churchgoer always invite houseguests to come and join us if they are with us on a sunday. I wouldn't be offended if they didn't come along but it's always nicer when they do make the effort.

Babylon1 · 20/06/2012 14:30

I would say don't go if you don't want to.

My DB has declined to attend the christening of my three DCs as he really doesn't "do" church. He will happily come to the celebration afterwards, but doesn't feel comfortable setting foot in church.

He's the same with weddings and it doesn't matter whose it is either. The only time he has made exceptions is for funerals - I don't have a problem with it, it's his choice. My SIL will still come though, just without DB!!

BerthaKitt · 20/06/2012 14:30

YANBU. I don't see how not going is any more rude than them expecting you to go assuming they know you don't follow their religion.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/06/2012 14:30

I think you have to go. It would be rude to insist you stay behind if it means a lot to them that their visitors accompany them.

A compromise might be you going out for the day so that you are gone when they leave and they are home by the time you return. It could just be that they are uncomfortable leaving you in their house rather than them desperately wanting you to go to church.

natwebb79 · 20/06/2012 14:30

I would politely explain that you wouldn't like to. I won't go to church because I don't believe and surely Christians would rather not share their service with atheists who are just there to keep someone happy. Any reasonable person would accept that surely?

TheEvilWeevil · 20/06/2012 14:31

If it is because you are atheist or against established religion then I think it's perfectly fine to say you feel it would be disrespectful to go as you don't believe and you don't want anyone to feel awkward as you wouldn't be able to join in with the service but if DP and DCs feel differently (or don't mind) then they are welcome to join in.

PooPooInMyToes · 20/06/2012 14:31

I think it would be weird to go if you don't believe and pointless. Why would they or the church want someone there who really didn't believe in it and felt uncomfortable.

Hullygully · 20/06/2012 14:33

Go to church to "be polite"?

Is that what baby Jesus wants?

lip service?

BerthaKitt · 20/06/2012 14:36

How silly. Do you know for sure that they expect you to go? Do they know you are not a churchgoer usually?

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 20/06/2012 14:36

Unless OP is a practising Christian I can't see why she should go 'to be polite'

Would you be telling her to go if she comes back and says she is of a different faith?

OP - why do you feel under pressure to go?

PandaWatch · 20/06/2012 14:37

Maybe they like the idea of a godless soul like the OP staying in their house unattended Grin

PandaWatch · 20/06/2012 14:37

DON'T like!