Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to uninvite this couple?

83 replies

DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:16

a couple we know invited us to their xmas party. we don't know them well but accepted their invitation.

i like the mum. our dds are friends at school.

my 40th is coming up soon and we sent a text out letting people know the date in advance. it was going to be a big party so we included them to reciprocate their invitation.

fast forward 2 months... we went to a party 2 weeks ago and the bloke in question was unbelievably rude to dh (personal comments thinly veiled as humour). he has also been v rude to me on one occasion- supposedly in a jokey way.

dh and i honestly do have a sense of humour, but this man is insufferable, in our opinion.

i really dont want him there, but his dw is nicer. if he comes, my dh would prob punch him if he was rude again.

so what do i do? AIBU to uninvite them? and if so how do i go about it? its further complicated by the fact that i want to invite some other mums.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/06/2012 16:18

YANBU but I dont see how you can possibly uninvite them.

It's a big party, hopefully if your DH cant stand him he'll just stay on the other side of the room.

So no, you cant really uninvite them really, well you can but you will look quite mean.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2012 16:18

I don't think it's possible to uninvite them - it's not very British Grin

What you do is hope they don't turn up and if they do you are frostily polite -you've already said it's a big party so you will barely notice them.

Original poster
DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:19

ps proper invitations havent been sent out yet and so they only ever got original text and not proper invitation.

should add that i am have a small operation just before the party which i didnt know about so could i get away with saying that i am scaling party right down due to these circs?

or do i tell the truth?

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 19/06/2012 16:19

Send some sort of proper invitation, print them out yourself, just a small one with all the info on, and don't give them one.
If they say anything you can always say you "did it wrong" and ended up acidentally texting everyone in your phone including the dentist and then just move away or change the subject. If they don't get the message from that and actually outright ask if they can come, just say "no, I don't think so" or even just "no".
If they are so thick skinned they try to make something of it, just tell the truth, "DH can't stand he was so rude to him at Xmas"

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/06/2012 16:20

Oh well if proper invites havent been sent just dont send them one and never ever mention it in front of them.

Then just see if they remember and turn up.

HecateAdonaea · 19/06/2012 16:21

i would just not send them a proper invitation.

Why on earth should you suffer in your own bloody home, someone who has shown himself to be a rude bugger?! That's bonkers.

Sod him. if they make a thing out of it - tell them why.

He's not bothered about being rude, so why should you go out of your way to protect him from the consequences of being an arse?

AnyFucker · 19/06/2012 16:21

either tell the truth and tell them why you have changed your mind

or let your original invite stand, stay away from the nobhead (should be easy at a big 'do) and resolve to not make knee-jerk invites in future

don't lie, that is shit

Original poster
DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:23

sorry, am being annoying drip feeder Blush

was trying to keep OP succinct!

she saw me today and asked me about the party, i told her about my operation and said i wasnt sure it could go ahead still. but i could never get away with pretending it'd been cancelled. but it will def be a smaller event- ie they wouldnt have been on my list

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 19/06/2012 16:24

You can't lie and it is unreasonable to disinvite them. But on the other hand, if everyone expects a formal invitation and these haven't been sent out yet then simply don't send them one. Be prepared for the fact that they might take your text as a perfectly acceptable invitation though.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/06/2012 16:26

God no, if she asks you outright dont lie....the truth will out and then you will feel even worse! Imagine after if all the mums are talking about it - she will realise that it wasnt such a small affair after all.

I think you need to maybe stand by the invitation and pray her DH isnt in a dickish mood that night.

Original poster
DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:26

ok... how about i say to the DW:
" i dont know what to do... i'd love you to come to the party but your dh was really rude to my dh at flossy's party. we were writing the invites last night and dh and doesnt want him to come. i really dont want to offend you as you are also so nice but dont know how else to handle this"

OP posts:
HecateAdonaea · 19/06/2012 16:27

it's unreasonable to uninvite someone who has shown themselves since you issued the invitation to be someone who is happy to be rude to you?

sod that Grin

I can't believe how nice you lot are! [impressed] i must be the only one who'd say forget it, you're not coming, not after how you spoke to me and X at the party.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/06/2012 16:28

That would be better...she must know her DH is a dick so proabably wont be surprised.

2shoes · 19/06/2012 16:28

don't invite them

Original poster
DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:29

dh will not have him in the house. the more i think, the more i realise this.

she couldnt turn up based on text, it didnt mention time or venue.

also i cant 'forget' her -as i mentioned in my annoying dripfeed: she mentioned it today!

OP posts:
Original poster
DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:31

lol, she does know he's a dick, betty! he was rude to me in front of her- again, his idea of a joke. she apologised for him.

OP posts:
midoriway · 19/06/2012 16:31

What good is a party without some simmering tension happening somewhere. If your DH can't hold off from punching someone for being a knob, he is, I'm afraid a far bigger knob.

Just invite them, as you already have, and roll your eyeballs whenever you hear him say something dickish. You know what he is like now, you are prepared.

Uninviting him, unless he has done you considerable harm is a bit teenage school girlish thb.

And who puts out xmas party invites in June? Desperate people, who are worried you will go to another party if they don't put first dibbs on you earlier. Gah, be the bigger person. Invite them, and deal with it.

ZZZenAgain · 19/06/2012 16:34

well I think that is a reasonable thing to say DQ but of course the wife may well side with her dh and be affronted etc, you never know. It is your party and if he is horrible, don't invite them. If you are sending out invitations, don't send them one and if she brings it up, having heard that others have received them , well you can say what you wrote here. However, you can never predict how people will deal with rejection

Original poster
DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:35

midori, its not a xmas party! its my 40th. my dh has never punched anyone in his life and i a very, very easy going person. usually. that shows you how much he detests this guy. Grin

i will have had an operation 2 weeks beforehand. i dont want to tolerate this man and have my dh upset.

so... its now more a question of HOW to explain, rather than an AIBU

OP posts:
izzyizin · 19/06/2012 16:38

When you see her again say that due to your imminent op your proposed party's had to be severely scaled down to a low key family/old school mates affair and suggest you meet for lunch/coffee in the near future.

If you're not likely to see her before the date, give her a call at least a week before the event so that there's no risk of them turning up.

Original poster
DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:41

IZZY, i did think that but how can i explain the presence of the other school mums? they not 'old friends'.

zzzen, i think i'd have to just cope with the consequences of that. i'd rather that, than have him in my house Sad

OP posts:
ByTheWay1 · 19/06/2012 16:41

Speak to the wife say " your hubby was really rude and my hubby doesn't want him in our house, so he's asked me not to send out an invite to the party. It has been scaled back because of my op in any case so we cannot invite as many people, I do hope you understand" End of story - no lies needed.

HecateAdonaea · 19/06/2012 16:42

Find a nice way to say I don't want my party, that I'm paying for and which I should be able to enjoy, potentially being ruined by someone who thinks it's ok to be rude to me? Grin

i think what you said above is clear enough. " your dh was really rude to my dh at flossy's party. we were writing the invites last night and dh doesnt want him to come. i really dont want to offend you as you are so nice but dont know how else to handle this"

i wouldn't have someone in my home, entertain them, feed and water them, if they had been rude to me and I don't blame you for not wanting to.

The feelings of someone who is rude shouldn't be put above the feelings of the person they were rude to.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 16:44

"Hello Ms Smith. The party - we'd love you to be there but we're not willing to extend the invitation to your husband after he was so rude to John at the Brown's do last week".

ExitPursuedByABear · 19/06/2012 16:46

Very difficult. I would be tempted to say something along the lines of "Your DH clearly doesn't like me as he is always so rude to me, so I have presumed he will not want to come".