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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to uninvite this couple?

83 replies

DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:16

a couple we know invited us to their xmas party. we don't know them well but accepted their invitation.

i like the mum. our dds are friends at school.

my 40th is coming up soon and we sent a text out letting people know the date in advance. it was going to be a big party so we included them to reciprocate their invitation.

fast forward 2 months... we went to a party 2 weeks ago and the bloke in question was unbelievably rude to dh (personal comments thinly veiled as humour). he has also been v rude to me on one occasion- supposedly in a jokey way.

dh and i honestly do have a sense of humour, but this man is insufferable, in our opinion.

i really dont want him there, but his dw is nicer. if he comes, my dh would prob punch him if he was rude again.

so what do i do? AIBU to uninvite them? and if so how do i go about it? its further complicated by the fact that i want to invite some other mums.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/06/2012 18:51

Why should the OP's husband have someone at the party who is such a troublemaker? You need to tell her. She'll know he's a knob (she's probably composing a thread for the Relationships board right now) and she'll be able to tell him the consequences of his knobbish behaviour. If he never gets any consequences to his behaviour, he'll just get worse and she'll suffer even more as a result.

Be brave. Tell her face to face. Be honest with her. Act like a friend to her and tell her her husband is a fool.

hidingbeneathanamechange · 19/06/2012 19:10

Just invite them, and if it goes well that great, and he's a bit of a kn*b never invite them again. He wouldn't be the first bloke who made insulting 'jokes'. His wife probably hates them.

Sameoldthing · 19/06/2012 21:08

I would invite them but as you hand the invitation over say " I'm really not sure that X (her DH) will want to come as he doesn't seem to get on Y (your DH) but I'd love it if you could come along"
If he does come and is rude ask him to leave.

Sameoldthing · 19/06/2012 21:09

with Y

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/06/2012 21:37

Could you just invite them and play Blockhead Bingo (a variant of Buzzword Bingo I have just invented)? It involves him being rude to either of you and you and your DH keeping score. You decide in advance all the things he could be rude about e.g. your appearance, your job, your decor, your accent (not saying there's anything wrong with you OP Grin, just that these are the sort of things knobs can pick on). Then you and DH keep score and see if you can guide the conversation to give him an opportunity for each category. It's up to you if you shout 'House' or not!

redwineformethanks · 19/06/2012 21:42

I think that having mentioned the party, you have to invite them

cheeseandpineapple · 19/06/2012 21:54

Agree with Rinders, it's not worth the fall out. You like her but you will make her feel completely lousy if you only invite her or don't invite them at all.

Whether she's fallen out with others in the playground shouldn't make any difference, keep your powder dry, this doesn't sound like a battle worth fighting at this stage.

That said, I'm curious too, what exactly did he say? Maybe if you give us a flavour, some of us who are suggesting a more conciliatory approach might think differently!

There are certain things I'd have a big problem with eg racism, I would definitely tell someone they are not welcome if they cross certain lines like that one.

Matesnotdates · 19/06/2012 22:21

I had a friend like that - husband was an utter arsehole. We had to stop seeing them both in the end as it was just too uncomfortable waiting for him to say something rude all evening.

What did he say to your dh? In my case I was told I was 'thick' and 'stupid' for not agreeing with him. Plus he was as tight as a gnat's arse which is never attractive.

Original poster
DevonQueen · 20/06/2012 16:15

ok, you have all asked what the rudeness/ twattish behaviour was... here goes...

dh is bald and laughs off ill-thought out baldy jokes on a daily basis.

BUT this man has spoken literally 3 times to my dh. the ONLY words he has EVER spoken to my dh are 3 separate baldy/ slaphead jokes. on three separate occasions. no other conversation/ banter. at all. JUST baldly jokes said in a condescending manner, totally out of the blue and not part of an actual conversation.
eg 1: when i first introduced my dh to him the convo went like this:
me: "hiya X, this is my dh, johnny..."
him: "...who has absolutely no hair"

eg 2: at recent party my dh and i go up and say hello. dh says: "hi x, howre you doing?"
him: "hi. i see youre still bald then".

PLEASE dont tell me my dh should get a sense of humour about it, as usually these jokes bore him but don't offend him, honestly.

it's the context of these bad jokes and the fact that this man is a virtual stranger to us.

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 20/06/2012 16:22

So, invite her and tell her to get her husband to babysit if he doesn't want a blackeye

HildaOgden · 20/06/2012 16:46

Go with what your first suggestion was,tell her you'd love her to come but as her husband boils your husbands piss,she is not to bring him.

It would ruin the run-up to your party if you're worrying about what the atmosphere will be like,just ditch him from the list.

sparkybabe · 20/06/2012 18:33

'Still bald then?'

'Yes and you're still a knob then?'

Original poster
DevonQueen · 20/06/2012 18:39

oh sparky, wouldnt have been good if dh had said that. so satisfying. but he was so stunned he didnt react. that's how i KNOW he would react badly to this man on any future occasion as dh is kicking himself for not coming up with a cutting reply at the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
DevonQueen · 20/06/2012 18:43

so should also say thanks to everyone for your advice Smile

hey.... just had a thought!!! well, you how i am being the ultimate annoying drip feeder... well, when i saw her yesterday am said i was deliberating whether to cancel due to my operation, she said "oh just cancel it, don't bother having a party.... should i cross it out on my calendar?".

SO am thinking that this is reason not send her a proper invitation as i could say i got the impression she wasnt that keen to come anyway.

OP posts:
BumptiousandBustly · 20/06/2012 18:55

I have to say, if I was her, I would rather be told why I wasn't invited, than wonder about it - and get very upset - she will realize if you invite everyone else and not her.

Wheezo · 20/06/2012 19:39

Is there any way you can turn this round? e.g. "Listen I know you and I get on fine, but don't worry we've got the hint from that humourless twat of a husband of yours Fred and more than happy for him to stay home with the kids and you come and enjoy yourself. The last thing I want is for him to feel forced to socialise with us - maybe that's why he ends up being so rude?"

If someone is rude to you, it's pretty logical to assume they don't like you and don't want to spend time with you - so take him for exactly what his words and actions tell you. You're not being offended or demanding an apology - you are taking his dislike of your DH on face value.

We're all trained to be so fucking polite all the time even in the face of astonishing rudeness (and much much worse) that your DH's reaction is perfectly understandable. Why should he have to think up witty retorts?

Actually - my dad has had this his whole life (he started going bald around 25) and is actually one of the sharpest, wittiest people I know (not in a nasty way - and I am obviously biased) and it is just FUCKING BORING to have to even think of a retort.

My mum, if ever there when someone started on the baldy "jokes", had quite a good way of shutting them up which was to ramble on about above average levels of testosterone being the cause of baldness and the,...ahem...ancillary benefits of this (ps. she's not usually like this - it was a deliberate attempt at defending my dad and to be fair generally worked even though it ended up with my dad being embarrassed in a different way!)

minceorotherwise · 20/06/2012 19:46

Just tell her it's cancelled. Then after the event if she hears about it just say, oh yes, we ended up doing something really last minute with a couple of people, in fact I didn't know anything about it! DH did it at the last minute as a surprise for me....
And tell all others invited not to mention it!

Original poster
DevonQueen · 20/06/2012 20:05

mince... what a good idea!

wheezo, thanks so much for your empathetic post. its the pits isnt it? can you imagine anyone other situation when people would have to endure personal comments on a daily basis... being ginger, maybe... still its a terrible bore, as you say.

thanks for not telling me my dh should get a SOH. i half expected that tbh. you never know with MN Grin

OP posts:
notactuallyme · 20/06/2012 20:13

i had a 'friend' who went on and on and on about my age (she was early 20s, i am not Grin ). One day i stopped speaking to her. Don't bloody invite them. This 'friend' has attempted the whole playground thing - no-one cares! just tell the dw, don't slate the dh to anyone else at all, and you'll be fine. I have never been tempted to bitch about the ex friend, and i still do okay socially!

StepOutOfSpring · 20/06/2012 20:24

Tell her honestly that your DH didn't appreciate the "slaphead" jokes and was quite offended. It may be that this man was just clumsily trying to be jovial and would be horrified if he realised he'd caused offence. At least give him the chance to apologise. Otherwise they'll have no clue what they're meant to have done wrong.

EcclesAddict · 20/06/2012 20:29

This reply has been deleted

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Wheezo · 20/06/2012 20:34

Ooh I like mince's idea of your DH rallying a surprise alternative party and them just getting left out in the scramble for him to get it organised. I think you might have to hand over the reins to your DH for the invites from this point on and do it that way (you can send them out but rsvps can be directed to him? you may have to disguise your handwriting though!)

Yep I think ginger people get it, but also shorter than average people and taller than average people. I know one chap who's 6ft 7, cue: what's the weather like up there? Not quite as offensive as redhead or bald jokes but just utterly tedious isn't it. He once said " I dunno but form here it looks like it's snowing on your head, how about some head n shoulders?" Thing is with people with that kind of sense of humour (which in my mind is not humour at all) they're very quick to take offence when the "joke's" on them. Apparently it's not so funny then.

mirry2 · 20/06/2012 20:38

Mince I agree with your idea. Just say after the event that your husband took over the arrangements including writing out and posting all the invitations (last minute so she doesn't get a chance to ask where hers is) and must have forgotten to write out one for her and her dh. You could even go the whole hog and ask her why she wasn't at the party.

mirry2 · 20/06/2012 20:39

Oh sorry x posted with Wheezo

StepOutOfSpring · 20/06/2012 20:52

I think it's quite unkind, even vindictive, to purposely leave someone out, and not even tell them what the problem was, if perhaps they really hadn't intended to cause offence at all. They might be very hurt by this. Please at least tell them what is wrong.