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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to uninvite this couple?

83 replies

DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:16

a couple we know invited us to their xmas party. we don't know them well but accepted their invitation.

i like the mum. our dds are friends at school.

my 40th is coming up soon and we sent a text out letting people know the date in advance. it was going to be a big party so we included them to reciprocate their invitation.

fast forward 2 months... we went to a party 2 weeks ago and the bloke in question was unbelievably rude to dh (personal comments thinly veiled as humour). he has also been v rude to me on one occasion- supposedly in a jokey way.

dh and i honestly do have a sense of humour, but this man is insufferable, in our opinion.

i really dont want him there, but his dw is nicer. if he comes, my dh would prob punch him if he was rude again.

so what do i do? AIBU to uninvite them? and if so how do i go about it? its further complicated by the fact that i want to invite some other mums.

OP posts:

cheeseandpineapple · 19/06/2012 16:47

Honesty is usually the best policy but in this case, for sake of your dd and whole school network, I'd go ahead with the invite as normal and say to the wife that her husbands got a punchy sense of humour and you couldn't work out if he was joking or not when you last saw him and you hope she'll keep him in check.

Doesn't sound like its personal, maybe he's naturally bit snide and as it will be your party, you and dh can make sure you circulate with everyone but him.

I had same issue once, literally it was stressing me out just thinking about this particular person coming to an event I was organising, but instead of withdrawing the invite, went ahead with it, avoided her and had a blast. Others avoided her too, it was awkward for her but it didn't spoil anyone's fun.

If you confront the situation by withdrawing the invite, it's pretty aggressive and there is no turning back from that and it might impact on your social network and dd.

But no reason why you can"t make it clear that whilst they're invited, you find he sails close to the wind with his humour. Chances are they or he might not come anyway when you've made it clear how you feel about him...

MerylStrop · 19/06/2012 16:48

Just invite her
Not him
He can stay home to look after the kids
Talk to her straight - her DH has upset you both, you'd still love her to be there. If she's a friend and is aware that her DH is an arse then she'll sort it.

Shutupanddrive · 19/06/2012 16:48

Don't lie. Just don't send them an invite, and if she asks explain why

QuickLookBusy · 19/06/2012 16:49

I would lie

I'd say you are scaling back the numbers because of your operation.

I don't see the point of upsetting the poor wife, she hasn't done anything wrong and also you say your DC are friends.

Why make the situation awkward every time you see each other when a little white lie will do the trick?

Original poster

DevonQueen · 19/06/2012 16:51

meryl, could i really just invite her ...
shutup, she'll ask about it. she's very forward!
agree re fallout potential, BUT she has upset a few people herself in her time so not very 'influential' on playground. i find her nice. and generous. but know a couple of people who've had run-ins with her.

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 19/06/2012 16:52

I would probably just go ahead with their invitations, and then avoid them as much as possible at the party (you said it would be fairly large?). And then never arrange any social activity with them again. This is the wuss way though.

BUT if you are brave, and if this man has offended you that badly, you are allowed to say so!

Teeb · 19/06/2012 16:58

I don't actually think there's anything wrong with inviting her if you like her and would like her to be there. If she was apologising on her husbands behalf, then she knows he's a knob.

Once you are married, you don't really need to turn into a 'couple' and do everything and go everywhere as a pair. So just say the truth, that you'd like her to be there but you feel you obviously don't gel very well with her DH and would prefer if he stayed at home.

JoannaFight · 19/06/2012 16:59

I think you can uninvite them but there's no soft way to do it or still remain friends with the wife, she'll take umbridge along with her dh most probably.

You'll have to be quite straight about it and then be prepared for them to come over all 'it was only a joke' etc and leave it at that.

Will it have a knock on effect? Do you have mutual friends and if so will you keep bumping into them at other gatherings making things uncomfortable?

catinboots · 19/06/2012 17:04

Can't your DH just laugh it off?

It seems a bit stong to 'detest' someone after a few snidey comments from someone who is obviously a knob.

Adversecamber · 19/06/2012 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thenightsky · 19/06/2012 17:30

How rude is 'unbelievably rude'? What did he actually say? Was it something where everyone's jaws drop and there is uncomfortable silence for a min?

Could you just use that wonderful response I have learned from mumsnet... 'Gosh, did you mean to sound so rude?'

thenightsky · 19/06/2012 17:31

Adverse It's the OP's 40th birthday, not her Xmas do.

emsyj · 19/06/2012 17:31

I think if someone is rude to you then really you need to deal with it there and then - otherwise you risk appearing petty and childish. I think it will cause gossip and reflect poorly on you to un-invite them if your DH didn't say something at the time in question.

I would invite them, avoid them where possible and be gracious, then remember not to invite them in future.

We had an issue with our wedding in that an ex colleague of mine who was always exceptionally kind and generous to me was married to an utter nob who had been very very rude to my DH on several occasions. DH didn't want him there, I wanted to invite the wife... So we invited them,they accepted and then... Dropped out at 5pm the day before the wedding. Utter nobs. But at least it solved the problem!

Agalessnow · 19/06/2012 17:35

If you like her and she is clear minded enough to have apologized for her husband's behaviour, invite her.

You can issue the invitation in her name only, she is a person in her own right, next time you speak to her, make a point of saying something like - it'll be so nice to see you there, Nicemum- Then there is no misunderstanding. If she asks about her husband, be as forward as she is and say oh no, he was so rude to H and me last time, we're not really his kind of crowd, are we? But please do come, Nicemum.

One of the really hard things about being married to someone who turns out to be a dickhead is to suffer the consequences of their behaviour. Such as people starting to give you a wide berth. Very isolating.

Also might give the H food for thought.

kerala · 19/06/2012 17:41

I agree with Exitpursuedbyabear thats the sort of thing I would say - looking forward to seeing you there nice mum, assuming your DH won't want to come pretty clear he isn't too keen on us.

Agalessnow · 19/06/2012 17:41

Sorry Teeb, I was still writing and didn't see your post.

loopylou6 · 19/06/2012 17:54

I'd just tell the the truth. Just say your dh is upset by rude comments made previously and you feel it would cast an atmosphere over the night. Then you could invite the woman out for coffee sometime.

Why did you invite them in the first place if he was rude though?

kitsmummy · 19/06/2012 17:54

you really have to be honest with her....it's mean to make up a lie about the party being on a smaller scale. She knows her husband is a dick so just say "I'm really sorry, but DH just won't have your husband in the house after what he said to him at the last party. We'd love you to be there but will understand if you can't come, I do hope this won't cause any issues between us"

loopylou6 · 19/06/2012 17:55

Ah sorry, ignore my stupid question, just re read your OP. :)

QuickLookBusy · 19/06/2012 18:03

I can't understand people saying just invite her??

If someone invited just me to a party but not dh I certainly wouldn't go.

And if you have to deal with this woman on a daily basis at school, why would you make your life difficult by basically calling her dh a prat. Just tell her you are downscaling. No ones feelings will be hurt and you can all face each other in the playground.

kerala · 19/06/2012 18:04

Yes blame it entirely on your DH as long as he isn't there - with a rueful "my hands are tied" attitude then you can still be friends with her and sounds as if your DH wouldn't give 2 hoots about what either one of them thinks of him.

I wouldn't lie though. Not only is it cowardly but will almost certainly come back and bite you on the bot in a small community and you will utterly lose any moral high ground you had.

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/06/2012 18:07

Am I the only one to wonder what it was that he DH said to your DH?

Noqontrol · 19/06/2012 18:14

I'd probably still let them come tbh, see as you have sent the invite. And next time you organise anything just invite her. It's not her fault her husband is a turd and it's a shame that she should miss out on invites and friendships because of it.

Noqontrol · 19/06/2012 18:14

Oh yeah, and what did he say to your Dh?

Rindercella · 19/06/2012 18:34

Exactly what Cheese&pineapple said. Unless your DC are 16/18 and never going back to the school again, the potential fallout from uninviting them is probably far worse than any stress around the DH going to your party. If other school mums are going, this woman is sure to hear about the party, either pre or post event and it would probably be very hurtful to hear about it like that, knowing that she & her DH didn't quite make the cut.

Unfortunately, things in life are seldomly all about the one event, otherwise there wouldn't be so many threads on here either by bridezillas or about bridezillas about guest invites to weddings! You really need to look at the bigger picture and decide do you want to lose this person (who you profess to like very much) as a friend and potentially make her an enemy? As I said above, if your DC are about to leave school and you'll never see her again then it's probably not that important. However, if your DC are quite young and you have another 10 years or so ahead of being involved with her, then it really is just not worth the fallout.

Let her know gently that her DH needs to keep his 'humour' in check and send her a proper invitation to your party. Be the bigger person

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