My dh works abroad and wants to flat share with a young woman.

[iloveeverton]

Dh is working abroad for the long term since job options dried up here. I am staying in the UK for work and the dc school choices.

He is paying huge rent on a very small studio flat. He comes home most weekends.

He has replied to an online ad to live in a young ladies flat during the week, the rent is a fraction of what he pays now.

I do not think this is a bad idea, my dm thinks it's shocking! AIBU to think he should do this?

I don't get why people are assuming they'll be sharing meals and bottles of wine and develop intimacy and live like a family. Why should they? (Unless they want to, of course, but it doesn't seem to be the case.)

Some housemates barely say hello to each other. I've had housemates I didn't even know the full names of.

I agree, PanickingIdiot it's an odd idea of a flatshare. There were flatmates I never saw, flatmates I got on with, but I've never had a flatmate who I had a proper relationship with really.

But obv if the OP is uncomfortable it wouldn't really be fair on her to go through with this.

Just ask him to look for a man to share with. Problem solved.

My husband has women friends. That is nothing to do with this scenario. this woman is not a friend.

I wouldn't move into a flat with another man if I had to live abroad.

Not because I don't trust myself, or because I don't love my husband more than I ever thought it possible to love someone.

But because out relationship is too important to us and our children to risk damaging it by taking pointless, obvious risks.

Not really, QuickLookBusy. There's this theory that we're all bisexual... :)

I just don't see it as a risk. I look at other men, sure. But I never contemplate other relationships. And I have lived in different cities to my partner.

I actually think its the unknown bit which is the problem. Because if I think about dh friends who are women and imagine they had to share a flat for a few nights a week , it wouldn't bother me. If he asked to share with someone I didn't know, I just wouldn't like the idea.

I've had good, sociable friendly relationships with a good number of the people I've lived with.

Sharing living space with someone you don't speak to at all is oppressive and weird IMO and E.

Either way, you don't have to make any assumptions about what will happen. The risk is in what might happen.

But have you ever had a relationship with a flatmate that saw you sitting eating dinner together every night and then watching a film and then divvying up the chores?

Because I really haven't and I would find it weird if someone did.

Hi, AThingInYourLife! waves

I disagree that it's weird and oppressive. People flatshare to save money, not to make friends. I did sometimes share with friends, too, but it wasn't always possible, and when I had to share with strangers, I just had no time or inclination to socialise after long hours at work. I just wanted to wind down in my room and not to be disturbed. After a certain age, living with a bunch of people stops being "fun" and becomes a necessity. Staying out of each other's pockets helped preserve sanity, actually.

As to what might happen - things might happen at work, too, or anywhere, for that matter. My husband spends about 10-12 hours at work every day, every week. That's more time than you'd spend with a flatmate even if you were on friendly terms. Some of his colleagues are women. You can't live your life worrying about what might happen.

yellow

Yes, I have as it goes. We became good friends. It was nice.

Panicking

"As to what might happen - things might happen at work, too, or anywhere, for that matter."

Sure. So?

That has no bearing on whether this is a good idea or not.

Living with a person has the potential to be intimate. Obviously.

It can also be alienating and weird if they are pretending to live alone and that you don't exist.

But just because there is no guarantee that they will fuck each other the first night doesn't mean there's no chance that over time they might start to spend more time together.

I'm not suggesting that you have to pretend to live alone, just that not everyone ends up in a situation where they have discussions with their flatmates beyond "good morning, how are you, see you later"

Either way, you don't have to make any assumptions about what will happen. The risk is in what might happen

This woman might be a raving nympho who won't stop at anything til she gets some good loving off your husband. But she probably isn't.

He could equally move in with some hot young gay bloke and decides to explore that side of his sexuality.

He could also move in with a Charles Manson type figure.

All these things could happen but almost certainly won't.

I assume those who imagine cosy romantic dinners and bottles of wine have never flat shared with a stranger before, it is not like that at all or certainly isn't with me. As I've said, I get on well with my housemate, but we both spend a lot of time in separate parts of the flat and cook/wash clothes/shop separately.

when i got with him my DH was house-sharing with a woman. then i moved into a mixed house. I wouldn't have touched the male ocupants with a 50-foot bargepole.

although it would be slightly odd now we are 'grown up' i don't see why anyone would assume a sexual relationship would arise from a flatshare.

Yep, agree with yellowraincoat and ComposHat.

It's by far not "living with someone", it's "sharing the same address with someone".

I do think it's pretty comparable to work. You spend way more time with your colleagues than with flatmates. Intimacy can develop if people are that way inclined. But you don't go to work to develop intimacy, you go because you need the money. You flatshare for the same reason. Sure, relationships may develop as a result, but how far you allow them to go is your own choice. The alternative is never leaving the house lest you meet someone tempting.

I agree that in this particular situation the "temptation" may be avoided by not moving in with a female flatmate. However, I'd balance that risk against the benefits (i.e. saving on rent)...and if I found myself overly worried about the prospect of my partner sharing a flat with a woman, I'd probably explore a little why I felt that way. I think you should be able to trust your partner in most everyday situations, and sharing a flat does fall under that category for me.

I trust my DH, but I wouldn't be happy about that situation.

He trusts me, but wouldn't want me to flat share with another guy either.

Nooooo, don't let dh do it. I would be very suspicious if dh wanted to flat share with a young woman. As others have said, are there really no male flat-sharing options?

I am sure most of the men who cheat have wives who trust them. That is besides the point. I 'trust' my bank not to go under, but have made damn sure to read the fine print regarding deposit protection. You have to consider the worst case scenario and the likelihood of that happening. And the likelihood of dh cheating when he is flat sharing with a young woman is higher than other arrangements. Why take an unnecessary risk?

Jeez, there's some serious insecurity going on here!

Flatbread, if the DH shares with a young woman he can cheat on his wife with that one woman. If he lives alone he can shag a different woman every night.

Think about it.

Nooooo, don't let dh do it. I would be very suspicious if dh wanted to flat share with a young woman

If he is only looking at flats that are occupied by young women then that is weird, but if he wants to move into that particular flat and the flatmate happens to be a woman, than that isn't odd at all.

OP, does he have any mates or social life out there at the moment? Is there a chance that she would become his social 'bridge' too.

And why is this flat share the only option? Has he looked at what else is out there?

Graham, while some men enjoy the chase of picking up women, a lot don't. But if the opportunity was to fall into their lap, which is more likely in a shared living arrangement, who knows what they might do.

Most of us would never set out to steal, but if we saw £100 lying on the street, might we not be tempted to pocket it?

It is just common sense not to put unnecessary temptation in the way.

Btw, I worked in a job where a lot of married men hit on me (We were working away from home, mon to thursday, staying in the same hotel, having all meals together and working long hours together). And I know their wives. And a lot of these guys were decent family types. I am under no illusion that most people can stray, given an easy opportunity to do so.

I"m surprised just how many people let jealousy run their lives and think controlling behaviour is ok so long as it's them against the husband/partner.

No jealousy at all, just prudence. When I have workmen at home, I lock my valuables. Not because I think they will steal, but because it is the prudent thing to do.

I wouldn't think it controlling to tell my dh to shack in with male roomies. He would laugh and be secretly flattered that I still think he is attractive to women.

"It's by far not "living with someone", it's "sharing the same address with someone". "

It can be either.