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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My dh works abroad and wants to flat share with a young woman.

126 replies

iloveeverton · 18/06/2012 17:25

Dh is working abroad for the long term since job options dried up here. I am staying in the UK for work and the dc school choices.

He is paying huge rent on a very small studio flat. He comes home most weekends.

He has replied to an online ad to live in a young ladies flat during the week, the rent is a fraction of what he pays now.

I do not think this is a bad idea, my dm thinks it's shocking! AIBU to think he should do this?

OP posts:
ComposHat · 19/06/2012 12:30

I think you have nothing to worry about.

I am studying in one city whilst my fiancee is still in our home city. I am male and share with a woman if the same age. It would never cross my mind that it would be considered odd. If either of us were to have an affair, it wouldn't need to be a housemate and there would be plenty of scope to cheat without the other finding out.

Whilst we get on well, neither of us are remotely attracted to the other, amazingly the sight of me in my jammies and dressing gown first thing in the morning isn't stirringly erotic.

Chandon · 19/06/2012 12:36

Go for it if you are both happy with it...

But saying that. I would never do it and neither would DH as it just is not appropriate. Nothing to with trust. And I am a liberal Scandinavian, no old fuddy duddy.

Just not appropriate IMO. I'd keep looking for a flat share with a bloke. Or keep paying the high rent.

or all move abroad together (we have done this three times!)

Latara · 19/06/2012 12:58

It's not the risk of your husband sleeping with a woman flatmate so much as the close emotional intimacy that's inevitable unless they share opposite working hours.

It doesn't mean they will fancy each other, or kiss or have sex etc, but it does mean that he is likely to gain a close female friend to confide in - that is what i would NOT like if i was married.
I had no married male flatmates but did have male flatmates who had girlfriends - i did nearly end up sleeping with one man who had (temporarily, as it later turned out) split up with his girlfriend. We'd been friends for months - he was drunk & tried it on, i knew that sex would destroy our friendship (as i didn't find him so attractive) so pushed him away.

Quint - cheating is NOT always caused by 'wicked women & weak men' - as a currently single woman i get asked for drinks etc by many married men (who i've never flirted with or 'led on').

I'm nothing special to look at & a bit fat actually. There just lots of men but very few single childless young women in my workplace & near my home; & i must seem approachable. I find it insulting to be honest that men must therefore think i'm easy!!

I never accept their invitations - but another woman might be tempted, as these men can be persistent. Some of these men are from my workplace, & are notorious for having affairs.

I met the wife of one of these men (luckily it was a man who didn't ask me out) - she's pretty with a lovely caring personality, he adores her & boasts about her as she's very intelligent; they have 4 children - yet he STILL has affairs - why, i have no idea. Because he is rich, successful, good looking & still young so he attracts women easily (despite his bad temper, & very poor social skills) - i imagine the affairs feed his ego? I don't know if his wife knows but the thought of his behaviour upset me when i met her to be honest :(
He is typical of the cheaters i know of.
Also there are lots of foreign men (& women) who have travelled abroad for work placements or training, get lonely far from home, & get tempted to cheat... that's how it is.

NovackNGood · 19/06/2012 13:04

I wouldn't worry about it I I was you and since you don't seem to be saying you'd be jealous then it's not a problem is it. Jealous people generally just end up hurting themselves.

Gentleness · 19/06/2012 13:04

I wouldn't be happy. I know dh wouldn't intentionally cause me pain in any way, but I don't assume amazing powers of resistance. Even if she isn't interested, everyone fantasises a bit about having an easier situation that they're in, and, well, marriage and kids isn't always easy.

I would be seriously swayed by the money saving side, but I'd want to meet her, see the living situation and I'd be writing postcards to him all the time so she got to read them too and spend a great deal of time and energy fighting off irrational fears.

FredFredGeorge · 19/06/2012 13:27

Latara you seriously wouldn't like your husband to have a close female friend? To me that is just bonkers, completely and utterly bonkers. Why on earth not?

ComposHat · 19/06/2012 13:47

doesn't mean they will fancy each other, or kiss or have sex etc, but it does mean that he is likely to gain a close female friend to confide in e in - that is what i would NOT like if i was married

And this is bad? A female friend would be able to offer emotional support in what is a stressful position for the op's husband. Which if anything reduce chances of him having an affair. If I was struggling emotionally, I would confide on a female rather than male friend, as men are often not good/comfortable with talking about their feelings with other men.

If someone made it a condition that I dumped my female friends as a condition if being in a relationship with them, it would be a deal breaker I'm afraid.

I've always enjoyed platonic female friendship and have never felt the urge to sleep with any of my female friends and I am certain none of them were nursing hidden passions and if we didn't sleep together when daft, randy single teenagers, the chance of it happening as responsible thirtysomethings is tiny.

Latara · 19/06/2012 13:50

I would be jealous, to be honest.

Maybe it's irrational, but yes, i can be irrational.
I'm only human, and i know it's normal to get jealous - most of my married friends & colleagues admit they get jealous easily too.

Latara · 19/06/2012 13:57

I wouldn't make a husband dump his female friends but i would be envious of their closeness - i would not like it if i was married & my husband confided in another woman unless she was a healthcare professional.
There's no point me lying about how i would feel just cos other posters don't feel the same, i'm being honest - i know i have trust issues for lots of reasons, & that's unlikely to change (ps. don't worry, i hide it well, i'm def not a mad bunny boiler type!).

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 13:59

Living with someone doesn't necessarily mean you will have an affair with them, just like being friends with someone for quite some time and never having lived with them doesn't mean you won't have an affair with them.

I have found the latter to be more true. I have even been guilty of it myself in the past Blush

If he is going to cheat, he will. Just because he is living with another woman, don't mean either will be attracted to the other. In fact, they may hate each other.

The fact this didn't bother you to begin with OP, I think speaks enough in itself.

everlong · 19/06/2012 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowraincoat · 19/06/2012 14:03

Wow, I'm surprised that so many people would have a problem with it.

I can see that it would be a little odd, but if you trust him, there's really no issue.

Hebiegebies · 19/06/2012 14:38

Yellowraincoat, sadly I've got 3 friends who trusted their husbands when they worked abroad..........

yellowraincoat · 19/06/2012 14:43

OK Hebiegebies, well, if my partner is the cheating type, I'd rather just find out if you see what I mean. I don't want to live with someone who is capable of doing that and I wouldn't throw obstacles in his way (not letting him have female friends/flatmates) to try to prevent it.

ComposHat · 19/06/2012 14:48

Yellowraincoat, sadly I've got 3 friends who trusted their husbands when they worked abroad..........

That's a product of them being out of daily contact and being minded to have an affair rather than who they were living with. If someone is minded to have an affair they will.

I know someone who was in the army and shagged around behind his wife's back when posted to Germany. The fact he was living with 30 hairy arsed squaddies didn't stop him.

Ephiny · 19/06/2012 14:54

I wouldn't like it. Not sure if that's rational or right, but I just wouldn't. I do trust DH, and am not the jealous/possessive type in general, but this would seem a bit of an odd situation to me and I wouldn't be comfortable.

I know sharing a flat/house doesn't necessarily lead to anything else (I shared with male housemates when I was a student), and you don't have to share a flat to have an affair with someone! I guess I'd just feel weird about him having that level of familiarity and closeness with another woman on an everyday basis.

You're not me though, so if you're happy with it then that's what matters, I guess.

AThingInYourLife · 19/06/2012 16:43

"I don't want to live with someone who is capable of doing that "

Then you'd better not live with anyone.

We're all capable of falling in love if the right circumstances (and person) present themselves.

I find the idea that there is a "cheating type" and that if you are not with one of them your marriage is at no risk of infidelity extraordinarily naive.

Is it a relationship version of the just world fallacy?

People say things like "if he's going to cheat, he will" as though all people who cheat are habitual, serial adulterers.

In fact people have situational affairs all the time. They don't want an affair with just anyone, but meet someone that piques their interest in a situation that makes it natural or easy for an intimacy to arise that is a threat to their primary relationship.

Nobody is saying that a man and a woman sharing a house will definitely shag.

But neither can anybody say that there is zero chance they will fancy each other. They might.

And if they do, and they are sharing a flat just the two of them, the chances of that spark leading them astray over time are not negligible.

Long distant relationships are hard to maintain because your level of intimacy is not constant - it fluctuates when you don't see each other for extended periods.

To live with another person of the opposite sex, in many ways as husband and wife (sharing a home, chores, meals, evenings relaxing, nights out) when you are far away from and missing your real spouse strikes me as incredibly foolhardy.

A mixed gender houseshare with more than one person would be different.

yellowraincoat · 19/06/2012 16:48

AThingInYourLife Sure he's capable of falling in love with someone. I'd like to think he wouldn't cheat, I trust him not to, but I can never say he wouldn't. I'd like to think that if he fell in love, he'd split with me first. If he fell in love with someone else, that would suck, but I think it would be pretty clear that his feelings for me were not what I had previously thought. So I'd get over it.

Maybe it's just normal for me because my partner has lots of female friends/has had female flatmates...

It just wouldn't bother me that much. I'd find it unlikely that he'd suddenly turn into the sort of person who is in every night sharing meals and chores and relaxing in front of the telly when he's not that sort of man now.

AThingInYourLife · 19/06/2012 17:24

"If he fell in love with someone else, that would suck, but I think it would be pretty clear that his feelings for me were not what I had previously thought. So I'd get over it."

But what if his feelings were what you previously thought, but he got caught up in a short-lived fantasy that involved falling (temporarily) for someone else?

What if once it saw the light of day he realised he'd made a mistake?

Would you be able to just wave him off happily?

Do you think your children would so easily "get over it" if your family came apart because of a regretted affair?

The pain caused by these kinds of affairs is immense, last years and can hurt a lot of people. And it is so needless.

Obviously there is no way of guaranteeing it won't happen. But taking basic precautions like not moving in with another woman seems sensible.

yellowraincoat · 19/06/2012 17:28

Well I don't have children, so that's not an issue.

My partner isn't really the type that gets caught up in fantasies. Sorry if you think that makes me naive, but he's just quite sensible.

Of course it could happen. And if he was desperate to stay with one woman and wouldn't consider other flats, that'd set alarm bells ringing, but I just wouldn't worry that much about it if it just so happened he moved in with another woman.

I'm just not a jealous person. He's a trustworthy guy. I don't feel the need to keep him away from other women. There's nothing more I can say about it.

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 17:30

I've experienced infidelity. It's definitely not as easy as some posters are making out to get over it.

yellowraincoat · 19/06/2012 17:32

The point isn't the infidelity, Cockwomble the point is putting enough trust in your partner that he could live with another woman.

Some people aren't comfortable with that, fair enough. I, for one, would be fine with it.

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 17:37

I wouldn't be - and it's perfectly normal to feel that way. Not bunny boilery, or because I don't trust my DH. I am not comfortable with him having an intimate relationship with another woman, thankfully he doesn't. If I'd met him and he had an army of close female friends I don't think we'd be together as I wouldn't get involved - I wouldn't stop anyone from being friends with who they like.

yellowraincoat · 19/06/2012 17:38

Of course it's normal. I didn't call anyone a bunny boiler, did I?

It's also normal to have the sort of relationship where the other partner has friends of the opposite sex.

It's horses for courses, innit.

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 17:40

I didn't say it wasn't normal to have friends of the opposite sex, and DH does...he just doesn't live with them, which I think would form too much of an intimate situation, which I wouldn't handle well.