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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dh works abroad and wants to flat share with a young woman.

126 replies

iloveeverton · 18/06/2012 17:25

Dh is working abroad for the long term since job options dried up here. I am staying in the UK for work and the dc school choices.

He is paying huge rent on a very small studio flat. He comes home most weekends.

He has replied to an online ad to live in a young ladies flat during the week, the rent is a fraction of what he pays now.

I do not think this is a bad idea, my dm thinks it's shocking! AIBU to think he should do this?

OP posts:
Unionjackie · 18/06/2012 21:46

"Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near".

ENormaSnob · 18/06/2012 21:54

It's not something I would be happy with tbh.

Hownoobrooncoo · 18/06/2012 21:54

I wouldn't be comfortable. Agree about the proximity thing. Think of the many folk who pair up with someone they met through work. Proximity, friendship probably all came first. They don't always set out go there but it can easily happen.

AmINearlyThereYet · 18/06/2012 22:03

Can you find out a bit more about the "young lady"? A married man shared my flat for a few months, he was in touch with his wife every night, never crossed my mind that anything might happen between us and it never did . And that was despite sharing meals and bottles of wine :)

yellowraincoat · 18/06/2012 22:04

I would be fine with this. My partner and I are moving out from each other for a year because I'm moving to study, he'll have to share a flat, if it's another woman he's sharing with, no problem.

I trust him.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/06/2012 22:20

Surely there must be OTHER flat-shares in his town....

YouOldSlag · 18/06/2012 22:25

Agree with Quint- surely this is not the only shared flat in town!

JosephineCD · 18/06/2012 22:28

Where's he working to be paying £900 a week for a bedsit?

FredFredGeorge · 18/06/2012 22:29

I think it's completely fine, if the bloke is going to cheat, he's going to find it a lot easier if he has a place to people back to. I'd also expect someone heading back to a deserted and empty flat every night is much more likely to accept invitations out - by colleagues etc. which would appear to meet everyones who against it idea of opportunity, and much increase the likelyhood of the other people actually fancying DH.

Everyone has the opportunity to cheat, it's not lack of easy opportunity that stops most people, I find it peculiar that that's where so many people here view it - are they really only faithful to their partners because they don't have somone else living with them.

blueshoes · 18/06/2012 23:34

Ask him to find a flatshare with another man or in a mixed house. It does not have to be with a single woman. I would be suspicious if he insisted it was this flatshare and none other.

Trust the mums because they have seen far more marriages survive or fail over the years after love's first bloom is over. I agree about opportunity. Many middle aged men are particularly vulnerable, even if they don't think they are.

googleberry · 19/06/2012 07:20

My hubby works away he shared with a woman but there was also another man in the same apartment, when he first started shared I asked him what she was like, basically said she is quiet and never there as had a boyfriend, it was fine I do trust him and if he is going to do something he doesn't have to share with woman to do it.

Original poster
iloveeverton · 19/06/2012 09:55

He is in Switzerland so prices are crazy. Many rentals there demand a year contract and large deposit so it limits a lot.

Reading throught the posts I think I was niave not to question this.

OP posts:
cory · 19/06/2012 09:58

During our 7 years of long distance engagement dh was living in various kinds of rented accommodation. Sometimes there were female lodgers, sometimes not. Didn't worry me. I always assumed that if he was going to be unfaithful, taking a workmate back to his house wouldn't have been that much more difficult than sleeping with a co-lodger.

Latara · 19/06/2012 10:28

I flatshared for 4 & a half years mostly with a variety of between 3 & 5 men & women of all ages - aged 18 to 55 - & a from a variety of nationalities, & backgrounds. Some were students, some had careers. Some became good friends & we would socialize together. I enjoyed sharing at times & it also drove me mad at times!

IME - do not allow your husband to rent a flat with another woman. You know & trust your husband, but you don't know what motives this other woman may have.

I know, from my experiences of sharing, & the experiences of friends & relatives who have had lodgers - when you are straight it's very difficult to like sharing a small property with a person of the opposite sex if you find them repulsive or not at all attractive.
Even if she has no ulterior motives - remember that he will be 'coming home' to her every night, they are likely to get on well platonically, & he may find it easy to confide in her or discuss his day just because she is there - especially if she cooks for him, or they share a bottle of wine...
That is when people who you can start to find people attractive - even if you wouldn't have noticed them before you shared their home.

Arranged marriages often start to work for that reason (i have discussed that subject with friends & colleagues in arranged marriages). Familiarity does NOT breed contempt - it actually creates friendships where originally there wasn't one.

When your husband lived alone it would have been easy to remain faithful - even IF he found other women attractive, it's a huge, huge step from admiring another person to actually inviting them home with you - especially as there are many women who hate the idea of an affair with a married man, no matter how attractive he is.

But when you see someone every day; their bedroom is a few feet away & you are lonely - even the most moral person can give in to temptation.

(I hate to admit that i know this from my own experience, sorry...)

strawberrybubblegum · 19/06/2012 10:32

You're not naive, everton: I'm sure he's not planning to have an affair, and it's unlikely the young woman is either.

But why create a situation which could end up causing problems for your marriage, when there are other options? AThingInYourLife puts it brilliantly in her post at 20:17:23 yesterday. It's not that people are untrustworthy, just that relationships have ups and downs, and even a very strong relationship - with the potential to be a life-long happy one for both of you - can be derailed.

fwiw, my personal take would be that if it's for a couple of weeks, then that's fine (I think a strong relationship is unlikely to lose intimacy in that time), but I wouldn't take the risk long-term.

buttonmoon78 · 19/06/2012 10:36

I would be very wary, personally. My BF at school's father (fine upstanding father of 4) worked abroad and had a longterm relationship with his housekeeper. They only found out when she had a child which looked very much like my bf and her siblings. Ouch.

bleedingheart · 19/06/2012 10:43

Agree with latara.

I would be jealous of the intimacy too, unreasonable as that might be.

TeaOneSugar · 19/06/2012 10:45

Will it play on your mind?

You'll be at home ironing school uniform and he'll be relaxing with a younger woman drinking wine !!

I'm not saying anything will happen, but if you're likely to sit at home wondering, that's not going to be good for your marriage or your health.

eurochick · 19/06/2012 10:50

It wouldn't bother me. I completely trust my husband.

If someone is going to be unfaithful, they will be. They don't need to be living with someone of the opposite sex to do so.

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 11:44

I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Yes, my DH could have an affair with anyone.

But I do think living with someone means you get to know one another, and perhaps become attracted to one another...it makes an affair more likely than one is with an aquaintence.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/06/2012 11:48

My friend flat shared when she was in her early twenties. She moved in to an established flatshare with a woman in her late twenties and her mate. He was married, had wife and kids in Manchester, and he was in London for work. (Special division body guard sitting outside the house of a celebrity author with a prize on his head most of his working hours)

Anyway. My friend quite fancied him. My friend was (is) an actress, and very beautiful, a sort of tomboy type of person. "one of the lads". She decided she wanted him. She got him. And was quite proud of her affair with him. It got her kicked out of the flat share though, when the woman realized.

My friend is not really my friend anymore, not after she decided to "test" my husbands fidelity to check if he was marriage material for me. Angry
My husband was wondering what on earth she was playing at.... Hmm

Anyway. I dont trust women. I think men are sometimes very weak. (Not MY husband of course, she adds smugly). Which means that even if your husband has the best intentions, you never know what her intentions are. And even if she does not manage to sway your husband, it might be awfully awkward.

Having said that, 3 batchelors living together is possibly not much better....

Can he not find some lesbians? Wink

Hebiegebies · 19/06/2012 11:49

Swiss prices are v high.

Near the French boarder at Geneva many people commute in from France as it is cheeper, I think Geneva is the third highest expensive city in the world.

Could he get a caravan if it's only Monday to Friday, many people do that in the uk amazingly. Even in the winter.

Could he get a room in a family home?

Please don't go with the flat share option, it may well be fine but it's not worth the risk.

WilsonFrickett · 19/06/2012 11:56

I'm beginning to think I'm the only woman on MN who has managed to share a flat with a boy and not shag them. A flat mate is a flat mate, it is not compulsory to have sex with them - or even share bottles of wine with them tbh. Surely this 'young woman' will have her own friends, interests and - maybe even - her own boyfriend. who may also be young and fit so why would she want to play around with the OP's DH

perceptionreality · 19/06/2012 12:03

The problem is that nobody is completely immune to cheating in certain circumstances, even if, most of the time you could trust them and they have good intentions.

If you're far away from home and feeling a bit lonely you never know what could happen. I wouldn't want to risk the situation arising tbh. Why even tempt fate?

oooohhhhyes · 19/06/2012 12:26

However much you trust, this is an extra temptation and intimacy - why can't he just share with a bloke?

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