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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My dh works abroad and wants to flat share with a young woman.

126 replies

iloveeverton · 18/06/2012 17:25

Dh is working abroad for the long term since job options dried up here. I am staying in the UK for work and the dc school choices.

He is paying huge rent on a very small studio flat. He comes home most weekends.

He has replied to an online ad to live in a young ladies flat during the week, the rent is a fraction of what he pays now.

I do not think this is a bad idea, my dm thinks it's shocking! AIBU to think he should do this?

OP posts:

toptramp · 18/06/2012 18:20

I wouldn't like it. I am sure he is trust worthy but it's just too awkward and a bit wierd.

BettyandDon · 18/06/2012 18:20

I know loads of single women who love the challenge of a married man, sadly. Even when they are not exactly willing or even that attractive.

MarySA · 18/06/2012 18:23

Sorry but I think it could be a recipe for total disaster. Never in a million years. Would say the same if you were alone and thinking of taking in a male lodger. I just think it's not a good idea. Not two people anyway. A larger mixed sex group seems to work for some reason.

TuesdayNightClub · 18/06/2012 18:29

I would be totally fine with this. I would rather my DH flat shared than lived alone I think, as I'd hope his flat mates would look out for him a bit and it would mean he would be less lonely during the week. The gender of his flatmate wouldn't come into it as long as they were a nice person.

madonnawhore · 18/06/2012 18:56

I'd hate this. I completely trust DP but it would be the thought of him coming home in the evening and chatting to her about his day, etc. She'd end up knowing more about his day to day life than I would and, unreasonably or otherwise, I wouldn't like that.

Flisspaps · 18/06/2012 19:33

Sallying No, it can't. If you can 'seduce' them, they're willing. If you can't, they're not.

SoldeInvierno · 18/06/2012 19:49

I wouldn't mind. I have flat shared many times and it just as a way to save money. This young woman surely has a life, friends, etc and is just trying to find a way to share expenses. If she wanted a boyfriend, she would get one by other means rather than inviting a married ex-pat to live in her house.

You trust your husband so I see no problem with this arrangement. If your husband wanted to be unfaithful, he would have plenty of opportunities (with or without the flat share).

Original poster

iloveeverton · 18/06/2012 20:03

Wow- thanks everyone- lots to think about.

I have said as a joke I might get a male lodger in! Don't have the room though so he didn't say anything.

I think the point of him going back to share chats with her is something that might upset me.

He is a contractor so just paid a wage no help with relocation costs or rent.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 18/06/2012 20:17

"House-sharing with someone of the opposite sex makes it no more or less likely than if he stays where he is now."

Nonsense.

People in close quarters are far more likely to fall for each other.

If I were living overseas I wouldn't live with a young man.

I believe myself to be trustworthy, but distance can damage intimacy and I would not risk coupling that with the closeness that can come with sharing a house.

Mama1980 · 18/06/2012 20:21

I have had more flatmates than dinners some male some female-tbh I found in all cases a friendship not romance developed nothing like knowing a lot about someone and their habits to put you off if you trust your dh I see no issue. I am a archaeologist and so is dp when on digs we both have shared with members of the opposite sex and for us we've had no problems at all. We trust each other

RightBuggerforit · 18/06/2012 20:31

When you say he'd live there 'during the week', do you mean he'll have to stay somewhere else at weekends? So that's extra expense, or will he just be there all the time?

Will it definately be a lot cheaper paying for half the rent of a 2-bed than it would for a tiny studio?

I'm not sure I'd like the idea personally, but then I wouldn't be ok living in a different country in the first place!

lovebunny · 18/06/2012 20:37

my mum used to say that what is most likely to lead to adultery is proximity.

googlyeyes · 18/06/2012 21:13

My mum's always said much the same, lovebunny

She always told me that no relationship is affair-proof and that it was almost always opportunity that led to infidelity

Fwiw I think she's right on that (if not too much else!)

Zondra · 18/06/2012 21:15

Sounds like a recipe for disaster! Sorry!

rookiemater · 18/06/2012 21:27

I wouldn't recommend it. My DH is about as faithful as they get but I couldn't vouch for what would happen if he spent every week in a flat (unencumbered with DC) with a younger lady who might have the time and inclination to listen to him.Everyones mum is correct - don't let him do it.

twilight3 · 18/06/2012 21:28

if he's faithful because he's kept away from temptation, then this is a marriage I wouldn't want to be in.
But it sounds like this is not the case and you absolutely trust him, and why not? If you were in his shoes and had the opportunity to share with a young male in order to have more money left over for your children, would you ever worry that you might be tempted and unfaithful?

Probably not, and that's how your dh feels. Go for it.

LolaThePregnantFlyola · 18/06/2012 21:29

trust the mums.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/06/2012 21:34

Sorry.

They are going to become close friends, share evenings of dinner together over a bottle of wine. Her cleavage will be more and more exposed, as she looks adoringly into his eyes. Then the inevitable "bathrobe slips open moment" happens, and he gets a "jolt". Then he will start thinking, against his better judgement about seeing more of her. Soon enough he will, as she will chose a towel that is just a little bit too small to cover her, while she dashes from the bath to her room, doing a beeline for the kitchen/living room where he sits with the paper.....

AThingInYourLife · 18/06/2012 21:34

"if he's faithful because he's kept away from temptation, then this is a marriage I wouldn't want to be in."

I'm quite comfortable with the fact that both of the people in my marriage are human.

I don't expect to be immune to temptation over a lifetime and I don't expect DH to be either.

I just hope that we each have the sense we were born with and don't make choices that make temptation more likely, more long-lasting, and harder to avoid.

twilight3 · 18/06/2012 21:35

ahahaha, this is such a bad novel

twilight3 · 18/06/2012 21:36

btw, that was meant for Shadows

AThingInYourLife · 18/06/2012 21:36

Quintessential - I'm going to need you to finish that chicklit novella in real time on this thread.

thnx :)

QuintessentialShadows · 18/06/2012 21:37

Ha haaa, that what just about as much as my imagination could muster!

twilight3 · 18/06/2012 21:40

AThing, every marriage is different and I simply expressed my opinion in what I would and wouldn't expect and accept.

Original poster

iloveeverton · 18/06/2012 21:43

rightbuggerfor it, he comes back to the uk at the weekend.

The cost difference is £900 at the min down to £300 so it is a huge saving.

It's such a strange set up- thanks everyone lots to think about.

OP posts:

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