To expect DH to come to 20 wk annoymaly scan with me

[elizaregina]

He was too scared to tell his work it was our scan and he hasnt told them yet I am pregnant.
He wasnt 100% sure that they view the scan as important enough for him to miss work for so said it was a hospital appointment....

his boss came to his desk infront of other workers to ask what its for and can he change it due to two others being away that day, its a help desk. ....so my DH alluded to another condition they know he has...and STILL the boss asked if he could re schedule.

DH isnt very good AT ALL at asserting himself...and he is sooo stressed about the whole thing I am on verge of telling him not to bother but by the same token....I think hang on, we are soo lucky to have this second DC on the way.....two and half years of trying, and it is a scan where something nasty could crop up so would like him with me. In the grand scheme of things isnt this more imp?
HE is a dream employee - at his desk half and hour before work, NEVER EVER taken sneaky sick day - totally reliable etc...great at what he does. Yet he has taken large pay cut - work load gone up due to reduncies etc etc..

Why hasn't he told them about your pregnancy?

I would have thought he would be better off telling them the truth - what happens if his company ask him for proof of the appointment?

His boss may be more sympathetic to rearranging cover around him if he knows he is accompanying his DW to a 20 week scan.

And yes, I do think he should be there but if not do you have another close family member/friend who can go with you?

Hope you get it resolved.

If his employer won't let your DH have time off for a hospital appointment, I can't see why he should be more likely to let him have time off for a scan appointment tbh. (and lying about it is not going to do him any favours either).

I would ask someone else to go with you, or rearrange the scan date.

My dh didn't go to my scans as he was unable to get time off work, too stressed etc. I went by myself, got picture and has lunch after. My time for me.

His work arnt obliged to give him time off.

Good luck with scan.

I think his work are being really unreasonable. In many places, hospital appointments of any kind are booked months in advance and almost impossible to change.

He doesn't need a full day, right? Perhaps just an hour or so? They should be able to manage for an hour. I think he should assert himself more.

If he can't manage for a scan appointment, what will he do when it comes time for paternity leave?

We were given news at our scan that I wouldn't have wanted to receive without dh. Turned out to be a false alarm in the end but it was stressful at the time. I think he should just be honest with his employer and tell them exactly why he needs that hour or two off. Have they not been supportive in your past pregnancy/birth?

I hope this won't frighten you btw, it's just that we breezed in expecting nothing untoward, getting a photo etc. Ds was perfect after all that anyway!

DH couldn't get time off for either of my scans. His company wouldn't let him have time off as he has a fixed timetable and can only take leave out of term time.

It's horrible, I do feel for you

Dh couldn't go to any of my scans or doctor/midwife apps.
They don't have to give him the time off. Is there someone else you can go with?

I would go by myself tbh, as thebody said, time for yourself and do something nice after.

God forbid there was something amiss, your dh would not take long to get to you surely?

lazarusb

My friend had nasty news that didnt turn out ok at 20 week scan so I am worried. I feel myself that all is well but one never knows. Thank goodness yours was ok.

He isnt technically lying at the moment - it is his baby and it is a hospital appointment, we are already week 21 as they messed up my appointment time and yes I dread to think when they could re schedule for if we cancelled.

No I dont think they would care any more if he specifies the problem but really is it thier business to judge or ask?

In a worse case scenario if it comes out that it is our scan, was he obliged to tell them i mean i could have had loads of MC and he didnt want to say anything until after the scan?

Isnt this stuff personal?

Its quite a way away so he would have to leave at 2.30 and not go back in.

I dont have any one else to come with me no.

My DH was recently asked to do something outside his role and it ended up with him lifting very heavey equipment due to an engineer being down, it isnt something in his normal role.

My DH came home literally crippled, unable to stand up straight - walk up the stairs properly, couldnt pick up our DD, and was in pain for about 10 days. He cant assert himself and told his boss he was injured but not how much, I saw his boss and told him he was badly injured and I could tell this man had no cares in the entire world about my husbands injury.

Surely he is within his rights to retain a certain amount of privacy?

I know the mother is entitled to time off for anti natal appointments, but I'm not sure the father is. Unfortunately.

irishchic

I will also have my 4.5 year old daughter with me and if something was amiss no - he wouldnt leave work and if they wont let him leave for this scan, they wouldnt let him leave to console me after etc.

I dont have anyone to come with me, also should - god forbid there be a problem, its nice to have another pair of ears there to listen to the details as I might be too upset to take it in.

Can you reschedule to a time he can make?

DH came to all scans with dd, this time around he's been to the first two nut not coming to this week's one as dd needs looking after (and the scan is quite boring IMO)... appreciate if it is your first and after trying so long you would like him there tho.

Is he entitled to take sick leave/other leave for medical appointments? If he is (I'm not sure about contractors etc, whether they can take such time off), they shouldn't be allowed to question the nature of his medical appointment... he needs to say he has a medical appointment, it isn't changeable and the nature of the appointment/medical condition is not something he wishes to discuss.

I would want my DH at the scan, they aren't just a peek a boo with baby, they are there to tell you if your baby is healthy - of course we all hope it is and we get a cute photo to take home, but for many this scan brings grief, worry and having support there IS important.

YANBU

The scan is not the issue, the issue is that your husband has no backbone.

Why on earth hasn't he told them about the pregnancy? He needs to do it soon otherwise he won't be entitled to paternity leave.

Alibabaandthe40nappies

do you when he has to tell them?

Companies are not legally obliged to give fathers to be time off for antinatal appointments.

antenatal even

I don't understand why your husband didn't tell his employer about your pregnancy. Doesn't he want to talk and prepare for paternity leave?
Is he very shy? Is he scared the news is going to be badly received? Something else?

just looked it up - he has to tell them 15 weeks at least before baby is due.

We wanted to wait for this scan for confirmation ( as much as you can get from it) that all is OK with pregnancy before telling them at his work.

I have just looked that according to gov site he has to tell them - at least before 15 week of due date.

This is second DC but will be no less thrilling to see on scan or upsetting if there is a problem.

He wasnt sure of policy on allowing them out for preg scans, so thought it best to be vague and say hospital appointment to give him a better chance of being able to come.

Can he not take half a day of leave?

I don't think he would be entitled to take time off for a hospital appointment for your scan. And he could end up in trouble if he lies and says it's his own hospital appointment. So I wouldn't go down that road. Why can't he just book half a day's holiday if he doesn't want to tell them you're pregnant. But they certainly don't sound very good to work for if your husband has to resort to telling lies.

its too late its this week, he asked last week and was told to try and re schedule as other people off that day too.

i cant re schedule it now.

i am half inclined to say forget it - i will go with DD but if there is a problem I think I will be very upset he isnt there at my side, and I wont even be able to call him or communicate with him either until he finishes work.

BTW

Again i dont know if this is universal but when my brother died - my DH wasnt allowed time off for the funeral. We werent married then, but had been together for 5 years and were very close to him and he had Downs.

NEVER EVER taken sneaky sick day but will lie about needing time off for something when actually he wants to be off for something else.

No I dont think they would care any more if he specifies the problem but really is it thier business to judge or ask Of course it is their business to ask, he cannot expect to take a day off without giving a reason.

Isnt this stuff personal? Something is only personal if you don't let it intefear with work. If you want your husband there, he is going to have to make a case for it.

Now that he has told them it is for something else, I bet they would not be impressed if he changed his story about why he wanted time off. Take someone else. Although, if you are really worried, I would not take 4yo DD to be honest. Do you really want her there if you get bad news? Better to find a babysitter and go alone.

Hope you get it sorted.