To expect DH to come to 20 wk annoymaly scan with me

[elizaregina]

He was too scared to tell his work it was our scan and he hasnt told them yet I am pregnant.
He wasnt 100% sure that they view the scan as important enough for him to miss work for so said it was a hospital appointment....

his boss came to his desk infront of other workers to ask what its for and can he change it due to two others being away that day, its a help desk. ....so my DH alluded to another condition they know he has...and STILL the boss asked if he could re schedule.

DH isnt very good AT ALL at asserting himself...and he is sooo stressed about the whole thing I am on verge of telling him not to bother but by the same token....I think hang on, we are soo lucky to have this second DC on the way.....two and half years of trying, and it is a scan where something nasty could crop up so would like him with me. In the grand scheme of things isnt this more imp?
HE is a dream employee - at his desk half and hour before work, NEVER EVER taken sneaky sick day - totally reliable etc...great at what he does. Yet he has taken large pay cut - work load gone up due to reduncies etc etc..

Again, it is very sad that he couldn't be at your brother's funeral, but there are guidelines in most companies about what is reasonable to take as a compassionate leave day. A girlfriend's brother is not one of them. IIRC, most places only allow for immediate family. So I think that one is pretty universal.

I agree with Alibabaandthe40nappies why on earth does he feel unable to tell his employers that you are pregnant, what would happen if god forbid, you lost the baby, he would need to take time off.

It is unfortunate that his employer isn't flexible this time round, but perhaps if he had been more honest from the start and let his employer know before now then they could of been more accomodating.

Your DH needs to sort himself out, and by that, i mean learn to be a bit lot more assertive, there is nothing shameful about having a pregnant wife and wanting to be there for an important appointment.

And not be nasty, but he really is a dream employee because he doesn't stand up for himself and therefore gets treated like crap, by the sounds of it his boss doesn't respect him much if he can't even be bothered to ask your husband a personal question in private and has given him a pay cut to do more work on top and also to not care about his injury sustained through work!

I suspect your DH is being leaned on because he usually gives in. He needs to learn how to say no. It's not for very long, surely they can cope for a couple of hours!

The OP wants DH's work to allow him time off for a scan. She doesn't, however, want to tell them that it is a scan or that she is pregnant. So just wants her DH to be allowed time off without giving a (true) reason.

Again, a lot of people do have to take a days leave for a funeral. And they accept that. Some firms are more sympathetic than others. But going back to the scan. Really he should have booked half a days leave in advance as soon as he knew about the scan appoinment. If the company find out he has lied about having an appointment himself he could be in trouble.

Ofgs, it's easy - he tells them you have a scan and asks for the afternoon off. They either say yes, or they say no. What's the need for all the bellyaching?

I'm struggling to understand why he hasn't told his work or at least why he is hiding the fact that you are pregnant. How is he about the pregnancy in general? Is he being supportive?

Stop stressing out. Call him at work, and tell him to ask about an afternoon off. If he doesn't get it, try to arrange someone else to come with you if that's what you want. Good luck, I hope the scan goes as you want it to.

Is he asking to take a half day's holiday or is he expecting paid time off outside of holiday?

If its the former then no problem, if its the latter then he isn't entitled to paid time off for antenatal appointments.

This is from the Business link website
"Fathers-to-be and time off for antenatal appointments
Fathers - and same-sex partners - do not have the legal right to time off to accompany pregnant employees to antenatal appointments. However, you can permit them this time off anyway - which can be paid or unpaid.

Alternatively, you could:

allow fathers to take time off and make up the time later
suggest they take paid annual leave "

I understand you want him there but lying about a hospital appointment could get him into difficulties if they ask for proof or if he mentions that you had your 20 week scan to one of his colleagues.

knowitallstrikesagain

But it is a hospital appointment and for his baby? how is that lying?

Its not like he is coming with me for an appointment about my foot say?

OTTMummA
ZonkedOut

yes he is a dream employee and yes the boss doesnt care at all and will lean on him to give in.

Unfortunalty - the midwife, sonographer and hospital and ROYAL MAIL meant that we didnt have much notice for this scan at all.

So he only found out last week about it and by that time it was far too late to ask for annual leave.

I dont have a single soul I can leave my DD with, I wasnt able in any way shape or form choose my appointment, they have sqeezed me in, end of week 21 as it is.

OTTmummA

I have been trying to speak to you on a thread about Helen Allot as I am seeing her tomorow!!!

I would have LOVED my DH to be there as well for this appointment but know he will no way be able come to that, as his boss wouldnt recognise it as important so thats why i also really want him at scan.

As I will also have my DD with me at this appointment I was hoping to ask you - how the format goes with the meeting, I am thinking of writing down all the reasons I want an ELC and sort of handing it too her?

I have no idea what goes on. I also wanted to aks you if you see the person you are told you are ging to meeet, for instance may I have to meet another consultant?

I doubt that they would give him the time off for the scan now anyway tbh, he has actually lied about why he wanted time off, they are not stupid, if he now starts telling them it is because of your scan they will know he gave a false reason to begin with, why would they believe him now?

I would just write it off tbh, i don't see how he can now come to the scan unless he called in sick, but even that would be risky and unprofessional of him.
I would try and get a babysitter for your little one, and if there really is no one to go with you then you will just have to go by yourself op, it isn't a nice situation, but you don't have much choice really.

hi, dont mean to add to your difficulties, but are you sure that they will allow you to take DD? We had to take DD to my 12 week scan as our babysitter couldnt make it at the last minute and the sonographer would not let her in the room, so DH had to wait outside and only got a very quick look around the door.

You said in your OP that when asked, your DH alluded to a condition he has. Which is not the truth about the appointment.

You say you don't want to tell them you are pregnant, that it is none of their business. So it is unreasonable to expect them to allow DH to have time off for a scan they do not even know is happening.

If he had told them you were pregnant weeks ago, they may have been able to make arrangements to cover him for the afternoon, they would have at least had an idea which fortnight it was to be in and could have planned ahead. Whether they would or not, you don't know.

Everyone I know gets the date for their second scan when they are in for their first scan, so it is a shame you didn't know about yours in advance. But, if you were not going to tell them you are pregnant, because it's personal , it would not have mattered how much notice you had, would it? Your DH would still have tried to fabricate a reason for needing time off.

YABU.

Why has your partner not told his work you are pregnant? Why is he hiding it?

My DH is a teacher so couldn't come to all the scans (luckily some of them were on half term) as work wouldn't give him time off (fair enough), but it was fine. I wouldn't go with your 4yr old DC though.

Lambzig

oh gosh I didnt even think of that, i only asked about whether she could come into consultant appt tomorow, I didnt even think of the scan!

But if i turn up with her, there isnt much they can do really?

what a mess.

OTTMUmmA did you see post above about helen allot?

I agree that it's probably too late to sort anything for this scan.

But, you should take this opportunity to work out a plan between the two of you for what to do in case this happens again -- both in terms of his asking for time off at work, and you arranging to have someone watch your DD. I had only a small complication in the third trimester that still meant extra scans and appointments that I could not have brought a child to.

Elizaregina, you ask how saying the hospital appontment is for him, is lying when it's his baby too. It's your name on the appointment card if you have one and therefore your appointment. It is not his appointment. That is the legal stance. Whether or not you agree with it. I think he'd be taking a huge risk if he lies about this appointment. Especially if the firm doesn't seem to have a very sympathetic attitude.

knowitallstrikesagain

True but he doesnt have to legally tell them before week 15 of due date.
There could be a myriad of reasons why he doesnt/i dont want him to announce it.

It doesnt help that I loathe his company and his boss. The problem is - he doesnt know how they rate fathers going to scans anyway. First time round he was doing shifts so it was easier to plan the two scans when he was late or early shift AND as it was shifts it was much easier to swop, they have stopped all that now, and he didnt come to 12 week and he isnt coming with me to see consultant tomorow.

Sorry haven't been back on that thread, but with regards to your consultant appointment, you will probably see the MW first have your bp checked, urine sample checked, and maybe some bloods taken depending on what week you are in.
They will then send you back out to wait for the consultant, now sometimes you will see an assistant consultant, not your appointed consultant, these people are in training, but if you really feel the need to see Miss Allott, then you may have to ask them, this will mean a wait until she is free or to make another appointment.

You can certainly give a written document to your consultant, but really they will need to have an actual conversation with you, they won't just read it and then give the go ahead unfortunaltely, there is a special counselling room that they take you into if needed, i had a few sessions with Helen there whilst discussing the section.
It took 2 appointments until my section was booked last time, and they didn't give me a date until i was 30ish weeks gone.
If you want to ensure you convey your reasons properly then you can not take your daughter with you, it is a very emotionaly charged conversation, and as i said, just writing it down will not be enough communication for them.

Helen IMO is the best consultant at RBH, you will be in good hands, but if you need to make another appt to see her, you will 100% have to arrange childcare for your daughter.

It may be just my hospital, but the sonographer said "good job your DH is here, we are always having to reschedule women who turn up just with their children". DD was asleep in her pushchair, so hardly going to run riot.

I am not sure what their reasoning is, but I think it is to do with the fact that you cannot supervise them as you are lying down and need to be still and the sonographer cant supervise them either (as opposed to a sit down consultation where you can supervise as well as talk). Probably to do with insurance.

YABU. I agree with MarySA, this is not his appointment, it is yours. I think you are going to have to suck it up, go on your own and see what happens.

The problem you really need to address is, as others have said, that your DH hasn't told his employer about the pregnancy. Of course this is a private matter, but it needs to be communicated if he is to get his statutory paternity leave. He can't just ring in one day and say "Oh by the way, we've had a baby". TBH, this comes across as if you have something to hide - is it because he will lose money if he takes time off?

dreamingbohemian
IN first preg, I had a few later probs, and it was much easier for him to come as doing shifts, and also easier to swop shifts.,

I doubt very much he would be able to come for future scans or probs now.

MarySA

yes very true - legal point about my name. Oh well, the die may well be cast by now! He was hoping to sort it today!

He is a dream employee and he is a great worker, and if they wanted to sack him over this...

So your dh has asked for time off for a hospital appointment and his boss has asked if he can change it. Rather than explain that it is a time sensitive antenatal scan, so his boss understood why it couldn't be changed so he could either decide "yes you can go" or "no, sorry you don't automatically get time off for these things and as we're short-staffed I can't agree to it", he's implied that it's for his own medical condition? It doesn't sound as though the boss has actually ruled out him attending, just your dh's own unwillingness to be honest and force the issue. Your DH is BU.

I have my 20 week scan this week and am going alone. DH is working from home for the day so he can watch DS while I am at the hospital. We decided that was a better option than both DH and DS coming to the appointment, both because the scan & the waiting around will be boring for DS and also the hospital advise not to take children along because of the possibility of receiving unhappy news. Although I would like DH to be there, he isn't going to be (and he missed the first scan because he was working away). If it's good news, he can see the pics. If it's not, he will accompany me to any further counselling/treatment appointments. YANBU to want dh to attend but YABU to expect him to.

Hope it all goes well and he enjoys seeing the scan pictures.

carabos

LEGALLY he doesnt have to tell them BEFORE 15 weeks before due date.
Accordring to gov website.

he doesnt have to legally tell them before week 15 of due date

So how are they supposed to know that it is a scan he wants time off for? They might be great about it, you will never know if you don't ask. Although don't ask now as it will be clear that he was lying.

One more time:

He does not legally have to tell them about needing paternity leave until 15 weeks before EDD.

Work does not legally have to let him attend a scan.

But, as they do not even know that he wants to attend a scan, I don't really understand why you are cross that work won't give him time off for it.

He tried to get away with telling them he was doing something else. It backfired. You can't try to hide your pregnancy and still expect people to make allowances for you.

Anyway

Am going to ring hosp now to see if they will even do scan with child there!