To expect DH to come to 20 wk annoymaly scan with me

[elizaregina]

He was too scared to tell his work it was our scan and he hasnt told them yet I am pregnant.
He wasnt 100% sure that they view the scan as important enough for him to miss work for so said it was a hospital appointment....

his boss came to his desk infront of other workers to ask what its for and can he change it due to two others being away that day, its a help desk. ....so my DH alluded to another condition they know he has...and STILL the boss asked if he could re schedule.

DH isnt very good AT ALL at asserting himself...and he is sooo stressed about the whole thing I am on verge of telling him not to bother but by the same token....I think hang on, we are soo lucky to have this second DC on the way.....two and half years of trying, and it is a scan where something nasty could crop up so would like him with me. In the grand scheme of things isnt this more imp?
HE is a dream employee - at his desk half and hour before work, NEVER EVER taken sneaky sick day - totally reliable etc...great at what he does. Yet he has taken large pay cut - work load gone up due to reduncies etc etc..

sounds like your DH has problems with work which are difficult and I can only sympathise
but for the actual question of the scans, I was alone for 20 week scan, DH was away. It wasn't an option for us, and work aren't obliged to give time off I think

Legally he does not.

And legally they do not have to allow him the time off to attend the scan.

I don't understand why he doesn't just ask! You've made up your mind that his work are arseholes who wouldn't let him go.
As it stands, he isn't getting to go. If you ask, there is a chance he may be able to.

What have you got to lose?

The ideal employee stuff sounds familiar - I get this a bit from dh. You need him there imho and I bet if he had just mentioned it honestly and assertively there would have been no problem.

I reckon he needs to be a bit more perfect husband than perfect employee...

That is about paternity leave, op.
15 weeks before the dd is 25 weeks, which is too late to have your anomoly scan.
The 15 week deal is that he doesn't have to tell his employers the date he wishes to take paternity leave.
You will find that most fathers to be inform their work place sooner than that precisley because of potential complications that may arise meaning they have to take time off to support their partner.
I do not see how in any way him telling his boss about your pregnancy until after 25 weeks is benificial to anyone.
If he had told them way before now, say after the 12 week scan then you may not of ended up in this situation, infact i would bet money on it.

tempnameswap

to be honest this is my bottom line really.
I hate his work, his job, and in the grand scheme of things I reckon coming with me to the scan is more important - than his crappy works problem with thier help desk. He wont remeber that in twenty years but he will remeber scan and supporting me., I am already going to a tough consultant appt alone tomorow and would like suport on friday.

But he HASN'T ASKED!!!!

The scan is obviously more important to you than it is to him.

OTTMummA

no probs if you dont want to give advice about my consutalt appt tomroow.

as the hosp messed up my appointment we would still be in this positon as its too late notice and two others had already got time off.

i dont think sadly his work in any way shape or form would help him take time off.

but problem is DH is too soft anyway and cant assert himself.

Your scan is more important op, but he wasn't honest about why he needed the time off, if he had a bit of backbone and told his boss a lot earlier about the pregnancy then they may of been a bit more understanding and flexible.

This situation isn't his works fault, it is your DH's, i would be worrying about relying on him if i were you, he needs to sort out his priorities.
I hope your scan goes well, oh and i answered your question on pg 2 of this thread.

curiositykitten

no becasue he doesnt think even say this hadnt been all last min that his boss would let him have time off.

if he is asking him infront of people about what his hosp appt is for, is very casual about an injury my DH sustained doing really heavy lifting work etc.

We wanted to wait for this scan for confirmation ( as much as you can get from it) that all is OK with pregnancy before telling them at his work

It is not that the OP's DH has no backbone, it is that she didn't want him to tell work. She doesn't see why work should need to know. But wants work to grant time off anyway. For something that is not true. And she just cannot see the problem with this!

OTTMummA

I missed that , very very HELPFUL and exaclty want I wanted to know, many many thanks. xxxx

I can see both sides here.
DH's boss should have discussed the situation in private with him, but equally I think DH should have told the truth about the appointment, and DH could have asked to go somewhere more private to discuss things.

As a manager I try and ensure that everyone gets the time off they want, but this is not always possible...and sometimes I have to ask people to work longer hours or cancel leave.I would try to prioritise antenatal scans though/

It sounds to me that either DH has to start asserting himself or start looking elsewhere.

If I were you I would try to think creatively about getting someone to look after DD .. go to the scan on your own..and when you get a big "all clear", treat yourself to something chocolatey!

knowitallstrikesagain

I am trying to skirt round another issue that I dont want to go into!
The point is - there could be a myriad of reasons why he doesnt want to tell them yet why i am pregnant, /and or why i dont want him to tell them. That are very personal and I dont really want his horrid boss knowing.

OTTMummA

Also I am worrying a great deal about relying on him esp if I get granted ELC with needed aftercare. This whole thing now has made me v worried about the future op - or a traumatic birth or even non traumatic one.

i can take DD into scan, hosp said no probs at all.

elizaregina am really pleased about that. I have my 20 week scan on Friday and all my potential babysitters are on holiday so DH will have to wait outside again with DD. Wonder why my hospital do it then?

I dont know my dd is 4.7 months now and was good in other scans. They should do it on child really at the time, even if you have a wriggler they may be asleep.
Good luck with your scan!!!

OP I can totally understand why you don't want to tell work. But you must understand that you are being totally irrational getting cross because work won't let him have time off for a scan when they don't know it is a scan?

Anyway, will allow you your irrationality because of worry about pregnancy. But am going to hide this thread now as it is driving me up the wall! Good luck.

In future OP, I think you should tell your dh to just take a sick day and come with you to hospital. It would be easier than going in to work and then trying to get half a day off without actually saying why.

I also think that if he is not appreciated at work, then it's time to stop going in early and doing work outside of his contracted duties. People don't appreciate someone who allows themselves to be walked all over - saying no occasionally, will earn him some respect.

As things stand, just get him to say that the appt cannot be changed. If he avoids saying that the appt is for him, then he hasn't actually lied. He could say 'I am going to the hospital', which is true - he is!

I agree that you shouldn't have to tell anyone about your pg until you are ready - it's no one else's business. Also think that his boss lost any right to honesty, when asking personal questions in a public place.

I'm horrified at the back injury story.

Missing a scan is not ideal but hey, sometimes work has to come first.

But getting injured at work and then downplaying it for the sake of being seen as a dream employee - wtf?? Are people nuts??

If he was my husband I'd seriously advise him to go on a training of some kind to sort out his assertiveness issues, because putting his and others' health in danger is beyond being a bit of a doormat.

I hope the scan goes well, OP.

OP- I can understand your why your DH finds it difficult to ask for time off, as you said he has a horrible boss. My boss was terrible during my pregnancy, and I scheduled all possible appointments for after work hours. If I couldn't do that, I booked the day as a holiday. My boss didn't view pregnancy as positive news.

It is so easy to tell someone to "just grow a backbone", but if you are a shy or otherwise anxious person, being assertive is not that easy. I am sure your DH would rather be at the scan. YANBU to want him there, but YABU to not see his POV.

karmabeliever

I agree taking day off would have been so much easier, but as said before he is a stickler.....and feels guilty about leaving collegues with more work load.
I totally agree boss asking personal question in public place, thats the kind of man he is.

PanickingIdiot

yes i was thinking this today - without dripping, but these courses are so expensive, infact generally i was about how expensive these things are.

Pekka

So sorry to hear about your work, its terribly infair. I was very very very lucky first time at work this time at home. Your right being assertive isnt easy esp if your boss knows this and takes advantage of it!

"I dont have a single soul I can leave my DD with"

that is something you need to fix because when you go in for birth of DC2 what will happen?

you need to estabalish relationship with childminder / someone at the nursery who starts to baby sit regulary or your friends etc. when you avhe two or more you really do need someone to elave the other child with at times espec if you cant rely on dh to take time off work when needed

My dh was allowed time off for antenatal appointments as per the paternity policy, maybe double check his pat policy? My dh was allowed time for scans, mw apts, obstetric apts etc, sometimes it took all morning, but his boss was fine just seeing my record to prove where he'd been, or the apt letters