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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For getting sick of people being disparaging or feeling sorry for me for having 2 boys?

87 replies

Belladonna666 · 17/06/2012 10:52

I have 2 boys. My husband only has brothers. His dad is only has brothers and so on. Basically there are no girls in the family for many years. They all see "girls" as the "ultimate prize" because of this.

Both times I was pregnant with my sons (and with their first grandchild) my MIL said that she hoped I was giving her a granddaughter. She said this again with my second son. She then forgot his birthday. She later said that she is upset that she doesn't have a granddaughter and constantly goes on about little girls.

Yesterday my FIL said that he didn't want any more grandsons (he has 5) and "enough with the boys, next one better be a girl". He said this in front of my older son.

I am constantly being told by strangers in the street "oh poor you" when they see I have 2 boys. Other comments are "don't you want to try for a girl", "you have your hands full" plus lots of other derogatory comments and even some from mums of girls saying how grateful they were to only have girls and boys are too much hassle, ugly clothes, rude and noisy etc.

This is getting me so down. I find 2 boys really difficult to handle as it is and was very on the fence about having a second child as it is (OH persuaded me). I'm starting to regret having my second and these comments are making me feel like I have got the "booby prize" or I am a freak for having 2 sons. It feels like in the West boys are not prized in the same way that in China girls are not prized.

OP posts:
Gigondas · 17/06/2012 10:54

You get it the other way- come from a family where it is similar but with girls. I take no notice .

Indith · 17/06/2012 10:56

you can't win really, if you had girls people would be making comments about your dh wanting a boy, people just feel like they have to say something.

I had one of each and got ever so much praise for it like I had been so clever Hmm. Now have another boy and sometimes get praise for having a spare boy and sometimes pity, someone even said "oh well never mind" upon discovering that the new baby was a boy!

Moominsarescary · 17/06/2012 10:56

I have 4 boys, I occasional get people asking if I'd like a girl. I realy didn't care.

mellowcat · 17/06/2012 10:57

I agreed with everything you said until:

'It feels like in the West boys are not prized in the same way that in China girls are not prized'

No comparison.

2shoes · 17/06/2012 10:58

yanbu
my sil has 3 boys and my MIL has made so many comments about how the 3rd should have been a girl.
it winds me up , I hope she doesn't say it to SIL.
I often think it must be nice to have all boys when they are older as you get so much fun from them.

MammaTJ · 17/06/2012 10:58

Answer to you have your handsful 'Better than them being empty'.

Said to me very frequently because there are 54 weeks age difference between my little people.

Otherwise ignore. Especially if you don't have the bruning desire to keep having babies till you get a pink one!

I had DD1 then DD2 and everyone assumed that I was desperate for a boy with my 3 pregnancy. I wasn't. In fact my reaction when we saw all revealed in the 20 weeks scan was 'What do I do with one of those'. I quite like him now though!!

Moominsarescary · 17/06/2012 10:59

I'm sure this time everyone will be asking if I'm hoping for a girl

SCOTCHandWRY · 17/06/2012 10:59

YANBU. I have 4 DS ranging from 18yo to 20months and have had many of the same comments, particularly after having DS4 after a long gap (DS3 was 13 at this point).

IMO, girls MAY (or may not!) be "easier" as young children, but boys MAY (or may not!) be easier as teens (within my own circle of friends and family, this seems to have been the case).

IGNORE these comments and be proud of your boys!

DailyMailSpy · 17/06/2012 10:59

Why would anyone feel sorry for you having 2 boys? I'm envious, I have one DS and would love another :) take no notice, I think some people just say stupid things when they can't think of anything else to say.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 11:00

I have 3 boys and have never felt the way you do.

The most I've ever had was a few people asking if I'm going to 'try for a girl'...to which I replied "And how exactly does one do that then?"

If I had a 4th child that turned out to be a girl, she probably would have been the world's biggest tom boy anyway Grin

QuintessentialShadows · 17/06/2012 11:01

To be honest, I think it is in your mind. YOU feel bad about having two boys, your unhappiness shines through, you are not coping, and THIS is what strangers in the street is reacting to, not the fact that you have two boys.

I bet you would get different comments if you seemed happier about your lot. People are taking their cues from you when making conversation.

I have two boys, have never experienced any of the attitudes you mention.

If you tell people there are only ugly clothes for boys, they will most likely agree because it is a stupid thing to disagree with somebody about. If you are talking about how shit it is to have two boys, and that you really wanted girls, it is the same thing, people will most likely agree with you because they dont want to start an argument.

You seem very down though.

And I think in your case, voicing how down you are about having two boys is not helping, you just get people to agree with you and this will bring you even further down.

My boys are 10 and 7 now. Yes, it was hard work when they were little, but I think any young children are hard work.

Ds2 had his birthday party yesterday, and we were having a shared party with a boy in his class. This boys little sister 3, was much harder work and much more unruly, weepy and tantrummy than my two has ever been.
The girl guests were as unruly as the boys, and who started the food fight? A girl. Children are children, it is as much personality and temperament as gender.

The only problem is how you look upon it.

Why do you find it so hard to cope? Are you getting enough help and support? How young are your children? It is so sad that you look upon two lovely little boys as your "booby price".

MsMarple · 17/06/2012 11:01

Poor you, some people are just idiots. Be grateful for your lovely sons and ignore the stupid people who think the only way to be happy is their way. Your inlaws in particular should know better. Luckily you have the opportunity to raise your sons to feel valued, and make sure they know MIL and PIL are mad in the head Wink

I'm expecting my second son any day now - so I know all about the 'nevermind, keep trying for a girl' comments. Personally I'm pleased as I hope they will be more likely to be mates when they grow up. And as my Mum always said, whilst looking meaningfully at me and touching her prematurely grey hairs, girls can be just as much of a handful!

Mrsjay · 17/06/2012 11:01

2 girls here come from a familiy of girls just a handful of boys in the huge extended familiy, My mum was 1 of 8. I was told after dd2 by a friend of my aunt , Oh ANOTHER GIRL sigh never mind your next might be a boy Hmm just ignore them and enjoy your boys Smile

SummerRain · 17/06/2012 11:03

I have a girl and two boys...... Believe me, girls are not easier. Quite the opposite in fact. Drama and sniping and catty behaviour start as soon as they go to playschool and interact with other girls.
My daughter is vicious with the boys, randomly attacks them if she's in a bad mood and if told off hysterical wailing will ensue.
The boys are easy going and cuddly. Energetic yes but great fun with it!

LapsedPacifist · 17/06/2012 11:04

I am constantly being told by strangers in the street "oh poor you" when they see I have 2 boys.
REALLY? How utterly bizarre. I've never ever seen or heard of such as thing. It's not as if you have 4 or 5 or 6 boys. Do they play up a lot in public? Perhaps random strangers are commiserating with you because you are finding your children "difficult to handle" and they are having simultaneous tantrums, not because you have boys.

missmapp · 17/06/2012 11:05

I have two boys and, apart from when I was pg with ds2 and everyone said i must be hoping for a girl, have never felt people are looking at me with pity. I think this is much more about your ilaws than strangers in the street. next time they say anything hurtful, just say
I LOVE MY BOYS AND WOULDNT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY. Keep saying this until they get the message, and grow a thick skin!!
Oh- and remember- Henry VIII would have LOVED you

VodkaJelly · 17/06/2012 11:07

I have 3 sons also, and used to get it alot, "dont you want to try for a girl?" "bet you wish you had a girl", my very honest reply of "I never wanted a girl, always boys" tends to shut them up.

A friend who has a girl once said to me that she was grateful she had a girl and felt sorry for me as boys are hard work, I said to her "Yes but girls turn into little bitches so I feel sorry for you"*

*NOTE - I dont believe that all girls will turn out to be little bitches at all, It was just something to shut her up

I am now pregnant with DC4, (youngest is 12yo) and the full "bet you want a girl now" has started again. I would love another boy but DP wants a girl this time, so one of us is going to be happy Smile

Mrsjay · 17/06/2012 11:07

you know that stupid myth about girls being easier boys being a handful is a load of shit rubbish small children are not easy full stop , do people still have this image of a dainty pretty angelic quiet little girl skipping along happily , and boys dripping in snot and causing havoc Hmm

footballsgalore · 17/06/2012 11:08

Having two boys is the best! They can share toys, interests, clothes and goals in the garden. My two get on great and are real little mates. (Most of the time!)

I got comments about not having a girl (although not derogatory or unkind, more along the line of 'would you want a girl'). I always state the above in a very positive way.

In fact, in my observations of other families, one of each tend to have very different interests so rarely do things together eg my two will watch each other's footy matches quite happily! I also think one of each argue more due to this. AND of the two girl families I know, they really argue and compete with each other especially when hormones kick in.

So I think 2 boys is the best way to be!

Disclaimer: These are only observations of families I know. I'm sure many people will have these familiy mixes which get on famously! Grin

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 17/06/2012 11:08

Although I have heard more negativity about boys than girls, I do agree with Quint.

How old are your sons OP?

I think two children is a hard adjustment to make, and I definitely had down times with mine - noise, wrestling, real aggression with each other. Now I am vociferous in attacking gender stereotypes - my two are as different as any girl and boy might be - but I did go through a time when I found it all a bit much, and (MISTAKENLY, I think) thought it was to do with them being boys.

My experience of two boys has enriched my life - their differences to me have opened my eyes to things I had no interest in before. I'm pretty sure the same would have happened with a different gender mix, but that's not my experience, so all I want to say to you, is be positive about what you've got, and if they are still quite little, IT WILL PASS. Mine get on very well now (9 and 11)

AKissIsNotAContract · 17/06/2012 11:09

Baby girls are often aborted or abandoned in China, that's an awful comparison to make.

Pochemuchka · 17/06/2012 11:09

I agree that there are some people out there who just have to say something.
I have a DD and a DS and am now expecting number three. People can't understand why because I 'already have one of each' or think i am stupid because 3 is 'too many'. I will have exactly the same gap between DC2 and 3 as I did between DC1 and 2 (22 months) so there's another reason to criticise too!
I know it won't be easy but I can't wait to meet DC3.
I find if I challenge people about their negativity it leaves them either apologising or with that bad feeling afterwards and I don't spend the rest of the day seething because i didn't say anything!

Belladonna666 · 17/06/2012 11:09

Thank you for your replies.

Quintessential Shadows, I think you have a point. I feel very depressed (long drawn out PND) and my youngest son has not slept through since he was born and is very clingy and whiny and then hyper most of the day. I am exhausted and sick of having no money and no space. It doesn't help when my relatives (DH parents) who are supposed to be supportive look on my kids like they are not worth bothering with. I guess I am just making it a self fulfilling prophecy like you say. Thank you though, I really appreciate what you wrote.

OP posts:
JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 17/06/2012 11:09

and what MrsJay said

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 17/06/2012 11:11

Belladonna - how old are they? I also had PND and what helped me was to have a childminder look after DS2 one afternoon a week while DS1 was at playgroup. Also, I told my DH I was about to crack up and needed him to have them both every Saturday morning, AND I had counselling