For getting sick of people being disparaging or feeling sorry for me for having 2 boys?

[Belladonna666]

I have 2 boys. My husband only has brothers. His dad is only has brothers and so on. Basically there are no girls in the family for many years. They all see "girls" as the "ultimate prize" because of this.

Both times I was pregnant with my sons (and with their first grandchild) my MIL said that she hoped I was giving her a granddaughter. She said this again with my second son. She then forgot his birthday. She later said that she is upset that she doesn't have a granddaughter and constantly goes on about little girls.

Yesterday my FIL said that he didn't want any more grandsons (he has 5) and "enough with the boys, next one better be a girl". He said this in front of my older son.

I am constantly being told by strangers in the street "oh poor you" when they see I have 2 boys. Other comments are "don't you want to try for a girl", "you have your hands full" plus lots of other derogatory comments and even some from mums of girls saying how grateful they were to only have girls and boys are too much hassle, ugly clothes, rude and noisy etc.

This is getting me so down. I find 2 boys really difficult to handle as it is and was very on the fence about having a second child as it is (OH persuaded me). I'm starting to regret having my second and these comments are making me feel like I have got the "booby prize" or I am a freak for having 2 sons. It feels like in the West boys are not prized in the same way that in China girls are not prized.

LapsedPacifist - Yes, I really do get the comments. Sometimes I am not even with my boys and I get this. The latest one was when I saw a colleague who I used to work with and he asked if I have any kids. When I said 2 boys he said "oh dear, nevermind", I kid you not . Looking back, he does have 2 girls though so maybe that comment was more something to do with his own issues.

Belladonna - as you say - his own issues

I have 2 girls & when dd2 was born ils said oh we'll we didn't get the son we wanted. After having had precious miscarriages I didn't care that she was another girl (not that i would have anyway)Mil frequently tells me & sil (who has 2 boys) that we should swap dcs so we could have one of each. She really doesn't think there is anything wrong with saying so. She also frequently tells me that she would have loved dd2 more if she had been a boy. Just grit your teeth & ignore.

I really dislike sterotyping of children it is a real gripe of mine
my dd is nearly 20 and in years gone by she has been classed as a tomboy jeez my stepdad said i would turn her because she got a garage and cars for her 3rd christmas , i kid you not that is what he said !

children should be left to grow and mature personalities not putting them into that girl/boy stereotype

DD2 is so girly her favourite animal is unicorns

Me too.

I have two boys. MIL has three. She "tried for a girl" after the first two, got another boy.

So, when she said to me "will you be trying for a girl now?" I laughed at her.

I am very happy with my two boys, and do not want any more children regardless of their gender.

I got the strangers in the street thing when son 2 was a newborn, someone peered in the pram, noticed son 1 toddling behind and said "oh, how disappointing for you". I wasn't disappointed, son 2 was a gorgeous baby.

I have 2 boys aged 8 and 10 and an 18mo girl.

I can see where you are coming from op. I can't tell you how many comments I had when I was pregnant with DD along the lines of 'I'll bet you want a girl' I actually found it quite insulting to my wonderful, fun, handsome, intelligent boys......like having a female is the ultimate prize.

I think it's a symptom of our times, some strange unimaginative women want a clone, a baby to dress up and be like them, no realizing that their daughter will be her own person, just like a son would be.

It sounds like your children are very young. What a kick in the teeth, your inlaws. They should be helping you and bolstering you, not bringing you down.

Sleep deprivation and pnd are very often linked. How can you cope properly with tears and tantrums if you have no proper sleep? Does your youngest ever nap? Is your oldest in nursery at all? Any playgroups?

How old are they?

spend some time with little girls, they are so much hard work, and rather boring compared to boys, pony this and Barbie that, pointless screaming, tears, bothering about what they wear, bitching about their friends, crying at the slightest graze, stromping and stamping their silly little feet, not to mention all that awful pink, glitter glue, peppa pig sticker books, offering to help out adults being fakley cute its just total yuk, tom-boy girls are fab but none of that prissy let's match-up hair-bands together nonsense - there is a mum at school who actually has matching pink coats - one for herself and one for her little girl, I want to laugh out loud everytime I see her.

I have three girls and dh gets the pitying comments. People are very stupid.

Sometimes people make comments,uninvited,just to say something. Its seen as some sort of social failure to have just the one sex children,and that by doing so the other parent is denied their son/daughter. And often the onus is put on the woman to produce,when in fact it is the man who carries both X and Y (not getting into the einvornment of the uterus and its ability to be unhospitable to either X or Y).
Its a silly outdated view. OP when your mood is low,flyaway comments that you would normally brush aside,stick with you.

I think you are unlucky with your weird in-laws.

And I think it gets to you, because deep down you fear they may be right.

As a mother of boys, I have not had many comments like this , but maybe if I do they don't register, as I grew up with lots of brothers myself, and I like men (and boys) and am sporty/outdoorsy and the boys slot in with that nicely (though oldest DS is into arts and crafts which I find terrifying!).

Anyway, I know I sounds smug, but that is not my point. My point is that I am genuinely happy to have boys, and therefore anyone pitying me would not hit a nerve, I would just say "Yes it's tough" but feel inwardly pleased to have these great cuddly boys.

I always think it says a lot more about the person who MAKES a comment like that, than about the fact that boys or girls are better (both are great !!!! obviously!!!)

When your boys are a bit older you will see how much they will be into the same thing, and always have someone to play with who is into the same things, which can be great :)

The girls at the party were all tomboys. It was a science party with slime and goo and explosions. Aside from one, who was very sweet and quiet. As soon as it was time for tea, she piped up "I want to sit next to Master Quint!" and she and another girl raced to sit next to my boy. He was very happy and pleased to have his two favouritest girls ever on either side....

sorry had to share. As they grow up and they are more personality and less hard work (AND THEY SLEEP AT NIGHT) it will be a lot better.

Firstly I think you need to see less of your Il's and not take their opinions to heart. If they don't value your children because they are the 'wrong' gender, then they are utter fuckwits, who are not worth bothering with!

Secondly, I have 3 boys and 1 girl - they are all different to each other, which leads me to the conclusion that difference is about personality, rather than gender. Children are children. The difference between genders is superficial - it's the difference between buying one set of clothes/toys or another.

It's probably a good thing that your dc are boys - a little girl would probably be smothered by the GPs and your poor son would be made to feel second best. At least this way, your dc are the same.

Finally, some people are stupid - they open their mouths and the contents of their heads, spill out unhindered. Best to disregard stupidity. Enjoy your fabulous children!

Children are hard work,regardless.

Can we help you work out a plan to change the track you are in?

What sort of areas do you need to tackle?

Sleep?
Daytime issues?

YANBU. I adore my DS and would be perfectly happy with another, if I manage to have a second child.

I must admit, I always really wanted a girl, and she is now 8, and I have wondered when seeing mum's with more than 2 boys if they kept trying for a girl, and thought 'bloody hell that must be hard work', however...

...I am well aware that those are/were my issues and I wouldn't dream of saying as much to anyone, not only because of causing offence but because they would probably, quite rightly, think I was a bit mad. All kids are hard work - boys or girls or a mix - it doesn't make a difference.

I do also know lots of lovely little boys that occasionally make me wish I could have another baby.

As for your in-laws - their attitude is disgusting. I wouldn't want to have them anywhere near me or my children if I were in your shoes.

Hi op I have five boys and often get the poor you what a handful comments. I always reply with " ah they are great fun" that stops any negativity straight away.
With my last pregnancy if I could have chosen I would have picked another boy as I am so used to them now :)
You sound like you are feeling a bit down anyway so are probably latching onto these comments because of that.
Two is hard word regardless if the sex . Try and sort out the biggest

I have two boys, have had the odd "wouldn't you like a girl" but nothing thats ever bothered me,and certainly never had it from strangers. I have never ever felt like my boys are a "Booby Prize" and there is nothing anyone could say to me to make me feel that way.

Posted too soon
Try to sort out the biggest problem, sleep?? And it will all get a lot easier and you will start to really enjoy your lovely boys x

'Belladona666' my pil are exactly like yours except they want me to have a boy!
I have 4 dds, im completley content with my family of girls, infact i love it, much to pil annoyence.
I get the "there are only girls in the family...." drivel and i get the "your are only dil so you must have a boy to carry on the "*" family line"- in the end i told them if you want a boy get one yourself and just laughed!
They are sooooo sexist that when i had scan of dd no 4, fil went "not another bloody girl" to which i pointed out it was his sons sperm at fault lol.
Even when their daughters baby was born premature they moaned she was a girl when i and everyone else was worried about the babies health!
Me and dh would like another baby one day but i have decided i will not be announcing any future pregnancies until after my 20 week scans and i won't be disclosing the sex to them as i cant bear their stupid behavour.
I always say as long as baby is healthy is all that matters and i always joke to mil that any future grandsons she may have could turn out to want sex changes anyway or change their surname obviously taking away their family name shite they keep spouting-you would think they were royals

It is a great shame your PIL are so ignorant and insensitive

^^ - that was to OP

I wonder if you might be so sensitive to this that you're misinterpreting 'innocent' comments, i.e. the 'poor you' or 'you have your hands full' might be referring to the fact you have two small children to cope with, rather than their gender (you admit yourself that you are finding it difficult with two).

There definitely is a tendency among some people to see boys as less 'desirable' though, and some of the comments sound horrible. And ignorant too - there are plenty of little girls who are rude, noisy and a lot of hassle, and lots of hideous clothes for girls out there! I don't get it at all - personally I'd love to have a little boy .

Your PIL are being ridiculous, do they really think you can control whether you have a boy or a girl? And that even if you could, you'd decide based on what they want?

My sons are 18 months and 4 years.

I am sorry for making the comparison with China. It was totally wrong and I think the treatment of baby girls in places like China and India is dispicable. I know that nothing in the West compares to this.

Thank you for all your comments. You are all very kind and the ones to offer practical criticism thank you. Especially to QuintessentalShadows and Chandon, your comments really made me think.

We are pretty hard up moneywise as all our money from my DH income goes on rent, bills, food etc. I would love to put littlest one in nursery a few days a week, as much for his benefit as mine, but here in London it is at least £40 per day which is not in our budget. Perhaps I should ask my inlaws if they would like to contribute to the wellbeing of their littest grandson ?