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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry that xh allowed DD to drink wine on a school night?

107 replies

Dizzykizzy · 16/06/2012 09:42

DD was staying with XH who lives with his parents. She is 15 and not used to drinking. She was encouraged to have a glass of wine in the evening by stupid grandmother but it was a school night AND she was in the middle of her end of year exams so had two exams the following day.

She has an occasional very watered down alcopop in the past with me but only at weekends and she hasn't yet got into drinking with her mates. She thought it was all quite funny and tells me that her friends are drinking all the time at home but surely not on a school night?!

AIBU to be angry with XH who allowed it and do other 15 year olds drink on a school night??

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2012 13:52

"We do have a much higher legal drinking age than lets say France and most of Europe which is 16 as wine is often served with dinner. They have a much lower rate of alcohol abuse than Britian as children are shown how to drink responsibly from a very very young age."

You are making the classic correlation = causation error here.

Does France have a lower rate of alcohol abuse (if indeed they do, French figures for liver disease aren't too hot) BECAUSE they have a lower legal drinking age and encourage adolescents to drink wine with dinner at a young age.

Or do they get away with their lower legal drinking age and introducing childre to alchohol early BECAUSE they have a culture of drinking that is much healthier than the one we have here?

Decreasing the drinking age and giving wine to 13 year olds isn't going to change British drinking culture, where it is unremarkable for adults to get pissed both nights every weekend and in some cases to knock back a bottle of wine by themselves every evening.

We had this bullshit in Ireland a while ago when it was argued that we should have later pub opening times, because that would make us all responsible drinkers just like on the Continent. Apparently our early closing times MADE us into binge drinkers.

So pub opening hours were extended Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights until 1.30.

Did people suddenly evince a responsible attitude to drinking, go out later, drink more slowly?

They did in their holes.

People drank the same way they always had, just for longer. Dublin City Centre (I lived there at the time) was full of hopelessly drunk people vomiting and pissing all over the place, unable to get themselves home, staggering around like zombies.

Thursday late opening was eventually knocked on the head because of Friday morning absenteeism.

This girl isn't growing up in France or Italy. She's growing up in Britain.

At 15 she will already have learnt a lot of the lessons she is going to learn about "responsible drinking".

You don't change that context for her by giving her alcopops at home or wine the night before an exam.

You just teach her that drinks aimed at getting teenagers pissed are a fine thing to drink and that there is no reason to abstain from drinking when you are preparing for an exam the following day.

Bad lessons both.

Jamie

"I actually wonder if some parents give their children alcohol as a screwed up way of subconsciously reassuring themselves that their own consumption is "harmless" "

I think you might be onto something there. There is an aggressive insistence on the thread that giving alcohol to a 15 year old is really important and valuable that I find really odd.

mynewpassion · 16/06/2012 16:48

So its ok for you to do but not your exh? Hypocrite. If he gave it to her at the weekend, you would still be ok with it?

Dizzykizzy · 16/06/2012 17:16

No, not a hypocrite. I would never give her alcohol on a school night let alone the evening before her exams. That was my concern. And I asked whether other 15 year olds drink on a school night because according to my DD, they do, frequently.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 16/06/2012 17:21

He didn't get her drunk though. She still managed to do her exams I take it?

He is her parent too really and he has to respect your parenting and you should respect his, even if you don't agree with him.

seeker · 16/06/2012 17:45

I had a glass of wine with my 16 year old last night - she seemed certainly perfectly functional thiS morning.....

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2012 17:52

Being "perfectly functional" on a weekend morning = normal and expected

I'd be teaching a 15 year old to be slightly better prepped the morning of an exam.

But I guess if "functional" seems impressive...

lovebunny · 16/06/2012 17:54

anyone taking care of your daughter should respect, and keep to, your way of bringing her up.

i used to give my daughter alcohol, in small amounts. she swears she was 'drunk' on the school bus one morning because i'd insisted she had a little brandy and advocaat to keep her warm before venturing out in the cold. she had a weak chest, you know, i had to do what i could.

she doesn't drink much alcohol now, and has never been the binge drinking kind.

manicbmc · 16/06/2012 17:58

You gave brandy in the morning!? A hot cup of tea would have been better. Alcohol does not keep you warm.

Why should the dad respect the mum's parenting wishes if she doesn't respect his?

Buntingbunny · 16/06/2012 18:27

She's 15.

In my home village the pubs and dances would serve us at 14.

I only drank at home, very rarely because my father in particular, doesn't much.

If we did it was generally wine with Sunday dinner because Mum got it.

In this house alcohol tends to appear when eating something it goes with and DH and I feel like it. My 14 yo occasionally has a small glass of our wine or beer. Never crossed my mind to worry if she has school the next day.

Can't conceive it having any effect the next day, she's taller than me and an adult size 12.

Surely in his house it should be your XHs and DDs joint decision not yours.

Birdsgottafly · 16/06/2012 18:40

"anyone taking care of your daughter should respect, and keep to, your way of bringing her up"

He isn't 'caring' for her, he is bringing her up as well.

Perhaps they mistakingly thought that it would help her sleep? My DD's have only had a drink on special occassions, when it is school the next day.

If she had no ill effect, it is misplaced anger. At least she told you and isn't being encouraged to keep secrets.

If you had a no alcohol rule, it would be different. You will just have to speak to him about it and let it go.

Dizzykizzy · 16/06/2012 19:12

I am genuinely surprised that the majority think it is ok to give a child alcohol on a school night. Maybe I am out of touch a little but I still don't think it is acceptable. Oh well...

OP posts:
ecclesvet · 16/06/2012 20:23

This was one glass of wine, OP. You're not out of touch, you're just over-reacting.

AltruisticEnigma · 16/06/2012 20:35

Personally I think I had my first sip at around 5 and the first time I say, drank too much - was at 14 years old. I am not proud of it, but it is what happens. It wasn't my parents fault. They allowed me to have a little drink since I was around 5 (sips then and leading up to glasses at around 11/12). It wasn't seen as a taboo thing. I did overdrink sometimes normally 'sneaking' more when they were asleep but that was my immaturity.

Although I do occassionally drink too much, I rarely drink at all these days. Whenver I go to my parents or my grandparents they offer me a drink and the normal answer is 'no I'm okay, thanks'. I drink about 3 or 4 times a year at the moment in general and that's pretty much when I'm either with family or with friends I haven't seen for ages. Pretty much NEVER drink at DP and I's home, we just don't see the need.

It all depends on individual opinions. They would rather I drank where they could keep an eye on me and make sure I wasn't in any danger. Personally, I can relate to that myself. At least if your child DOES drink too much, you are there for them. Not some untrustworthy boy/girl they just met or some less than responsible friends.

In other countries the drinking age is much lower. In general, these countries are MUCH, MUCH less 'boozers' than our country. I honestly think we are the worst country in the world for overdrinking. I think it's the adults attitudes that make a difference. When you say 'Drinking at home doesn't teach teenagers the appropriate way to behave, look at the state of our country.' I think the problem more is that your parents may act appropriately but you'll learn immaturity from other friends parents or the friends themselves. If your parents are the only ones putting the responsible opinion across it can get lost if you don't have a strong personality and able to say 'NO'.

But everyone has their own opinions. :)

I think the question is whether the grandmother shoudl be offering the drink or not. Just bare in mind that if you got along with your XH would you perhaps be more lenient towards this? Not to assume anything but is it possible the fact you don't agree with the way he behaves makes you more angry about this than you might've been? Don't think I'm accusing, just pointing that possibility out. If you usually got along would you perhaps have let it slide and thought it was a little bit unsensible but have just spoke to him about it for the future?

I hope your daughter did okay in her exams anyway and that the drink didn't effect her at all.

Gentleness · 16/06/2012 20:51

I'd not be that worried about a 15yr old having a small glass of wine, but why oh why choose a school night just before exams! I would be furious with them both because it shows total lack of common sense about timing. I wouldn't expect her to know to refuse unless you've specifically talked about it.

lovebunny · 16/06/2012 22:14

manicbmc You gave brandy in the morning!? A hot cup of tea would have been better.

quite right. i haven't always been sensible. Blush

manicbmc · 16/06/2012 22:15
Grin

I am having wine but it's not a school night so I should be okay. Wink

Hulababy · 16/06/2012 22:20

Ordinarily - at a weekend, at a party, with a meal, type thing - a glass of wine at 15y = no problem for me

Alcohol on a school night, esp on an exam night, and given by the parent (so not sneaking one behind parent's back) = not on imo

I would however much prefer to give DD wine than an alcopop, even watered down.

Gentleness · 16/06/2012 22:25

Hmm - back because I've worked out what's nagging me about the alcopop thing. It's bad enough that alcopops seem so innocuous anyway - to water it down seems like you're encouraging her to like the taste but minimising the consequences. A more effective deterrent might be to allow her a tiny sip of straight vodka or Talisker - that would put off any first-timer!

Hulababy · 16/06/2012 22:25

Law has changed fairly recently on drinking in pubs for under 18s I think. Used to be 14y if with a meal - now it's 16y. But the law remains the same in your own home - over 5y. 18y to buy own.

Buntingbunny · 17/06/2012 00:21

Given DDs rather hair raising hobby, I'd be much more worried about her drinking at the weekend, than on a school night.

Honestly 15 year olds are as heavy as slim adults and most drugs allow adult doses for over 12s.

Buntingbunny · 17/06/2012 00:24

As for exams, it probably helped her sleep.

Not that I would tell her that, because alcohol to get to sleep is a bad habit whatever age you are.

My friend recommended mastication as an aid to restful sleep before collage typing exams, but I guess your DD doesn't need to know that either.

Buntingbunny · 17/06/2012 00:26

Mastibation
I should have known a prim American spell checker would change thatWink

manicbmc · 17/06/2012 00:27

Something to chew on may be? Grin

zippey · 17/06/2012 01:19

I think you're being U.

Husband probably gave her a drink because the other adults were drinking wine and didnt want her to feel left out. One glass wont harm her and she was drinking responsibly if it was with a meal. Its as bad as letting her eat spag bol or chicken chasseur with wine added to the food.

Alchahol isnt a bad thing, it should be enjoyed responsibly.

storminabuttercup · 17/06/2012 08:02

Zippey

It's a bit different to adding wine to food, I let DS who's nearly 2 eat spag Bol with wine in, the alcohol burns off! Grin