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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that xh allowed DD to drink wine on a school night?

107 replies

Dizzykizzy · 16/06/2012 09:42

DD was staying with XH who lives with his parents. She is 15 and not used to drinking. She was encouraged to have a glass of wine in the evening by stupid grandmother but it was a school night AND she was in the middle of her end of year exams so had two exams the following day.

She has an occasional very watered down alcopop in the past with me but only at weekends and she hasn't yet got into drinking with her mates. She thought it was all quite funny and tells me that her friends are drinking all the time at home but surely not on a school night?!

AIBU to be angry with XH who allowed it and do other 15 year olds drink on a school night??

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 11:46

Really? Not according to UK law it isn't.

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 11:49

Graham it may not be illegal to drink at home under the age of 18, but if you can't buy it at that age it sort of implies that you're not ready to drink before that

Mrsjay · 16/06/2012 11:49

well the OP is buying her alcopops so providing alcohol for a minor Im sure the OP doesnt drink WKD on a saturday night , TBH this is about the ex granny not really about the wine , It is ammo just in case the girl fails her exam ,

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 16/06/2012 11:50

Um GrahamTribe, the child is 15, as far as I'm aware the legal drinking age in the UK is still 18, so yes, her daughter is under age drinking, no?

I am currently reading "Smashed" by Koren Zailckas. I would suggest it makes very interesting reading for any parents of teens interested in this issue.

squeakytoy · 16/06/2012 11:50

There are plenty of people who should not be allowed free access to alcohol well over the age of 18 too...

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 11:51

18 is the buying age.

squeakytoy · 16/06/2012 11:53

"Between the ages of 5 and 17, it is legally permissible for children to drink alcohol at home or at a friend's house with the permission of a parent or legal guardian"

She was with her father and had his permission, so no laws broken. :)

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 11:54

It's not a grey area at all Mrsjay, it's very clear. A person of 15 is permitted to drink alcohol in a home (theirs or someone else's) with the permission of a parent or guardian. This 15 yo had that permission.

Going back to the OP, as we've wandered off topic, the issue stems from her and her DH having different ideas on what's acceptable. There's no real right or wrong here AFAIAC but it is clearly a situation where, whether the OP likes it or not, she can do nothing. Her ex has broken no laws, not harmed the DC and has every bit as much right to offer alcohol as the OP has not to.

I think I recall the OP from previous posts and if I'm right her relationship with her ex is not wonderful and the split fairly recent. If that's the case the being "angry" with the ex when the OP herself gives the girl alcohol may possibly be tied up with other emotions.

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 11:55

Imagine your five year old toddling off to his friends with 'permission' to drink alcohol. Hmm think the law is a bit dodgy on this one.

squeakytoy · 16/06/2012 12:00

As a kid, if I was ill my mum would put a drop of brandy or whiskey into milk for me to help me sleep.. so I would imagine it covers that sort of scenario. I wasnt a raging alcholic by the age of 10, but I have always had a liking for liquer chocolates Grin

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 12:01

My grandad used to dip my dummy in sherry to shut me up, doesn't mean it's right just because the law states they can do it

Mrsjay · 16/06/2012 12:12

A child can drink at home buying alcohol specifically for a child is supporting underage drinking, anyway FWIW I think the grandmother was wrong for giving the girl wine on a school night before an exam the girl didn't refuse though did she,

perceptionreality · 16/06/2012 12:15

I think you're overreacting, sorry. It's not like he took her to a night club and got her drunk. It was only one glass of wine.

Mrsjay · 16/06/2012 12:15

and i don't think allowing a 15 yr old alcopops will turn them into raging alkies either I just wouldn't encourage it and I am not naive enough to think teenagers don't drink.
I had to pick up a young girl last weekend as she fell and was pissed and her friends thought it was hysterical but by allowing a teen to drink at home may not prevent them from drinking till they are sozzled with friends,

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 12:20

Then you'll find that the OP is probably not just BU but in the wrong according to your criteria, Mesjay, and that her ex is not if the OP buys alcopops for her 15 yo. The ex-husband and/or grandmother would have been unlikely to have gone out and bought a bottle of wine solely for the 15yo's consumption, I think.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 16/06/2012 12:20

The main issue for me here is the fact she was given/accepted the alcohol the night before two exams. I'm 39 and don't drink much, which means that if I have even half a glass of wine of an evening, I can certainly tell the next day as I feel headachy, dehydrated and not 100%. Due to this I rarely drink when I have work the next day. I certainly wouldn't want my teen drinking the night before exams - not only will she not be at her best but it hardly teaches responsible drinking, which isn't only about how much to drink but when. Far better to get the exams out of the way then let her have a small glass with dinner that evening to celebrate getting them done imo.

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 12:22

Sorry, that last comment was wrt the "supporting underage drinking" by buying alcohol specifically for a child remark by Mrsjay.

Mrsjay · 16/06/2012 12:23

I think giving teens alcohol is wrong it is just my opinion of course and they are all being a bit irresponsible ,

AgentProvocateur · 16/06/2012 12:25

I'm another one who would rather my DC had a glass of wine than alcopops. I think it's far more irresponsible to give a young person alcopops than wine. Sorry.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/06/2012 12:34

Also think a glass of wine is better than a watered down alcopop.

I bet she slept well before her exams and doubt she'd have had a hangover the next day with just one glass. Actually at her age I could have drunk a bottle and not had a hangover!

Original poster
Dizzykizzy · 16/06/2012 12:35

Sorry - had to go out but back now. Just to clarify, I don't buy alcopops for DD but I've let her have some of mine, watered down with much lemonade because she talks about her friends drinking, she was curious (she has never been interested before the last few months) and because I thought it would be safer for her to try it out at home rather than taking her first drink at a teen party where the pressure would be far greater.

The post was to try and get a census of opinion on what happened this week without the rest of the issues I have with XH getting in the way. And I do feel very cross that she was able to drink wine (which she is not used to) on a school night before her exams.

I don't support teenage drinking. I find the stories that DD tells me about her friends very sad but I am realistic that teenagers do experiment whether we like it or not.

Its an interesting debate though. Has given me food for thought...

OP posts:
Yummymummyyobe1 · 16/06/2012 12:39

We do have a much higher legal drinking age than lets say France and most of Europe which is 16 as wine is often served with dinner. They have a much lower rate of alcohol abuse than Britian as children are shown how to drink responsibly from a very very young age.

OP one glass of wine wouldn't do your daughte any harm and it is surely preferable that she drinks at home than in the street with her peers. My parents always allowed my sister and I a small glass of wine with lemonade on special occassions/with dinner on occassion and it has done either one of us any harm, in fact alcohol holds no mystry to us as it was not seen as forbidden.

xx

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 16/06/2012 12:42

I agree with you AThingInYourLife.

I think this country does have a dysfunctional attitude to alcohol, and I actually wonder if some parents give their children alcohol as a screwed up way of subconsciously reassuring themselves that their own consumption is "harmless2.

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 12:53

"I thought it would be safer for her to try it out at home"

Which is exactly what her father has done. If he'd have given her a bottle of wine to take to a party I'd have been joining you in your anger but instead he has done nothing more terrible than you have in offering a small amount of alcohol - a single glass of wine - in the home. In fact, you've offered your DD spirts rather than wine and in a sweetened form, more agreeable to the average teenager's pallate and sense of "cool" than a glass of, say, Sauvignon or Merlot.

I really get the feeling that you have issues wirh your ex and that while many of them might be reasonable you're falling into the trap of thinking that he's in the wrong more often than he actually is.

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