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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that xh allowed DD to drink wine on a school night?

107 replies

Dizzykizzy · 16/06/2012 09:42

DD was staying with XH who lives with his parents. She is 15 and not used to drinking. She was encouraged to have a glass of wine in the evening by stupid grandmother but it was a school night AND she was in the middle of her end of year exams so had two exams the following day.

She has an occasional very watered down alcopop in the past with me but only at weekends and she hasn't yet got into drinking with her mates. She thought it was all quite funny and tells me that her friends are drinking all the time at home but surely not on a school night?!

AIBU to be angry with XH who allowed it and do other 15 year olds drink on a school night??

OP posts:
storminabuttercup · 16/06/2012 10:35

I don't think yabu.

my parents were relaxed about alcohol and occasionally I'd have the odd bottle of reef or a glass of Asti from being about 14.

I never drank on the streets as i knew that a) I'd tasted alcohol it wasn't a big deal and b) if my parents found out I'd broken their trust then my little privilege of a drink with them would be lost.

However, a glass of wine on a school night is not on if she isn't used to drinking it could easily effect her. Think back to that first glass of wine after abstaining through pregnancy, I know I felt tipsy.

It's even more of a NO that she had exams the next day IMO!

BorisJohnsonsHair · 16/06/2012 10:40

I think many on here are forgetting that it's a teenager, not really a child. I think having a glass of wine with a meal is fine now and again. My DD is almost 16 and is allowed to drink alcohol at home with us at times. For example, New Year's Eve she and a friend had a couple of glasses of champagne; I think they need to see what is acceptable for adults and that you can drink alcohol without it becoming a big issue. If we have a barbecue midweek, then often DD will be allowed at glass of cold cider with it. I really think denying teenagers is what leads to them going off the rails. Talking about it, without preaching will help too. (not saying you were preaching OP, just mean that in general terms)

I have to say, I wouldn't encourage the alcopops thing either; they don't taste like proper alcohol and therefore it's easy to down several before the effect takes hold. Spirits are far more damaging to the liver than wine/beer/cider.

balia · 16/06/2012 10:42

I think a lot of 15 year olds drink when they can - and aren't taught to drink responsibly.

In my family/culture it is very common for wine to be served with dinner and even quite young ones get a watered down glass. Drinking then isn't an exciting, forbidden thing (which I think is one of the factors in street drinking)She wouldn't get wildly drunk on one glass even if she isn't used to drinking and I think it may be one of those things you have to chalk up to different parenting styles.

diddl · 16/06/2012 10:48

"Alcopops because her friends all drink WKD"

So you give her alcohol because her friends have it?

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2012 10:51

"I think they need to see what is acceptable for adults"

Given that British drinking culture in general is massively dysfunctional, I'm not sure a teenager is going to learn that by drinking at home.

You don't suddenly adopt a Mediterranean drinking culture just because your British parents teach you to drink when you are young.

It's not because booze is "forbidden" that it is attractive, but that getting drunk regularly is seen (with some justification) as being "adult".

StealthPolarBear · 16/06/2012 10:55

Mn is full of grown women saying they are lightweights and one glass of wine has an effect on them.

diddl · 16/06/2012 10:55

"I think a lot of 15 year olds drink when they can"

Do they?

That´s really sad.

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 10:55

YABU. She's 15, not 5, she was in a supervised environment with her other parent in control of the situation and it was a glass of wine, not a bottle of Scotch. How is she to learn about drinking responsibly if it's made a fobidden taboo at 15?

I'd be far more concerned about her drinking alcopops, watered down or not. The encouraging of drinking the trendy crap which is marketed at the younger market is far worse than her drinking a glass of wine. I particularly wouldn't encourage my daughter to drink the stuff "because all her friends do".

I'm surprised at all the pearl-clutching on here. Normally when an estranged DP/DH makes a decision about what a child can do in his care which doesn't concur with the resident parent's views there are several MNers reminding the RP that the ex has an equal right to parent his way.

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 10:59

Aimed at the young market, not "marketed" at it. Sorry.

lattelov3r · 16/06/2012 11:07

tbh though allowing her an alcopop as well as trying others such a wine will demistify why her friends drink the alchopops banning those just because they are seen as a 'teen' drink will only make her more curious, some people just dont like wine im 26 and it tastes like vinegar to me i cant even bear the smell i drunk alchopops until i was 24 before switching to vodka for appearances sake. Its just as common to see teens drinking cider, beer or spirits as it is to see them drinking wkds and the like.

As for the marketing if anything wkds seem to be marketed to men judging by their adverts

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2012 11:08

if you are allowing your DD alcopops then you are being more irresponsible than your DH.

Also you don't know how much wine.
How big was the glass?
How full was the glass?
Which wine was it?

there is also no indication that DD was forced or coerced, or that the OP is being undermined.

RubyFakeNails · 16/06/2012 11:08

TBH I think its completely fine. I think its not ideal that she had exams the next day and there was the possibility of her drinking more than one glass. Was XH aware of exams? He is her parent as much as you are. If you have concerns about his attitude to alcohol you should discuss them with him, is he aware you have allowed her the other alcohol.

But if she's had alcopops, I doubt a glass of wine, especially if it was with or after a meal would have done her any harm. She's 15 not 5. I think it being a schoolnight is irrelevant, the exams slightly more so but I think the lack of agreement by you and your XH is the bigger issue.

My DD1 and DS are 16, whenever we have wine at dinner they always have the option of a glass. It does nothing for them and they aren't that fussed about it.

AdventuresWithVoles · 16/06/2012 11:09

Irresponsible of other parent, BUT I would talk with 15yo why she needs to say no, or ask for much less if offered next time, or just barely sip at it, etc. She has to decide for herself to make that sensible decision.

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 11:16

latte, I wouldn't "ban" the alcopops, I just wouldn't offer/provide them to my 15 yo DD. There's a subtle difference. Wink

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2012 11:16

"How is she to learn about drinking responsibly if it's made a fobidden taboo at 15?"

More like how is she to learn about drinking responsibly when both her parents are encouraging her to drink at only 15?

Watered down alcopops and glasses of wine the night before exams are both rubbish lessons to be learning about booze at home.

Going out and getting shitfaced with her mates won't become any less appealing just because her parents encourage her to drink.

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 11:19

A glass of wine, athing, a glass. Not "glasses".

And an offer of a glass of wine/wine and water with a meal, for example, is treating a 15yo as a young adult imho, not "encouraging" her to drink. If you come to my house and I offer you tea, wine or whisky am I "encouraging" you to drink them or am I merely and politely giving you the option?

Catsmamma · 16/06/2012 11:25

I am a lot more anti the alco pops than a glass of wine.

And at 15 I am sure no one made her drink it, if she didn;t want it even if it was poured I doubt she'd have drunk it to be polite.

Cut the girl some slack, and step back..... at 15 she should be making her own choices and you should have provided her with the confidence to do so.

Cockwomble · 16/06/2012 11:28

YABU

CeliaFate · 16/06/2012 11:29

I think yanbu to be cross, but I think ya all bu to let her drink at all unless it's a special occasion, eg. birthday or Christmas.
She's 15, all her friends do it? So what! You could apply the same logic to sex, drugs, crime.

She should have a more sensible attitude to alcohol - finding it funny to me means she's not mature enough to have a drink.

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2012 11:32

I'm 36 and I wouldn't have a glass of wine the night before an exam.

I think offering her a glass was a stupid thing to do.

A 15 year old is not an adult, they are a teenager.

A teenager being offered wine by their grandmother us nit in remotely the same situation as an adult being offered whisky by a peer (although there are frequently occasions when adults feel pressured into accepting alcohol they don't want or can't handle).

To offer a teenager alcohol as an adult absolutely is to encourage them to drink.

Unless you've never met any teenagers I think you are being disingenuous to say otherwise.

What if her Granny had offered her a smoke? Treating her as an adult? Or encouraging her to smoke? A spliff?

Adults do a lot of things that it makes sense to discourage in teenagers.

Even if you know the teenager does them anyway.

I really would love to know where the idea that drinking with your parents as a young teenager teaches "responsible drinking" came from.

Is there any evidence that it does anything other than make it easier for teenagers to drink more than they would otherwise?

LisaLaundryThatsLAAANDRY · 16/06/2012 11:35

Alco pops are teeth rot.I'd rather my kids were to drink wine when older than alco pops tbh.

Mrsjay · 16/06/2012 11:39

you allow her to drink so you support underage drinking just not on a school night,
it was a glass of wine not a bottle of vodka It won't have killed too many brain cells Hmm

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 11:43

"Underage drinking", MrsJay? What's underage" about it?

CeliaFate · 16/06/2012 11:45

The girl drinking it was 15 - that's the underage bit.

Mrsjay · 16/06/2012 11:46

she is 15 they are providing a minor with alcohol yes i know its all grey about kids drinking at home Blah blah but..

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