Would you leave a 13yr old home alone overnight?

[carlywurly]

A friend mentioned in conversation that she does this regularly when shes out with friends or staying with her dp who lives a mile or so away.

Her ds has just turned 13. Apparently he loves having the place to himself.

I really didn't know what to say. My own dcs are much younger so it's not something I've really considered yet.

Aibu for feeling a bit shocked or is doing this normal??

Im not sure what 'all night' and 'evening mean'.

Hypothetically, leaving for an 'evening' could mean till 2pm or thereabouts. Seeing as I get up at 4am anyway, what difference would 2 hours make.

But it comes down to the maturity of the child.

I have a 17yo son of my sons who frequently comes to stay when his mother is out on the pull because he is still frightened to be alone.

I've a 13 and an 11 year old and neither would be at all happy to be left overnight. We often leave them for a few hours during the day but they don't really like to go to bed on their own yet so haven't done a proper evening out except when they are both away (which happens more and more frequently now). I babysat from 14 but not overnight - sometimes into the early morning, and I'd expect to be able to do that in a year or two. They live relatively independent lives, but night time is different to day time, if they had a problem very late at night they wouldn't be able to pop around to our neighbours, and most people don't get spooked when the sun is out. I don't think anything terrible would happen, but I don't think it's fair either, and I wonder how comfortable her son really is about the situation. Apart from anything else he may feel quite rejected and be somewhat lonely, assuming regularly doesn't mean once a month.

It depends on the child I suppose. If the DS in question enjoys the responsibility then why not from time to time, so long as he knows what tot do in an emergency and that it really is just for one night.

My DF started leaving me on my own at 13, at the time I loved it. By 14 he was going away for a week at a time, and it made me very independent. I would never do that to my kids, but I don't think I'd have changed it for me because it made me a stronger person in the long run.

There is one thing 'knowing what to do in an emergency' and dealing with a real emergency.

Many adults panic when faced with the real thing. Why assume a thirteen-year-old wouldn't too?

Anyone seen a house fire take hold? How would you feel if someone broke in? How do they cope if on their own and taken ill?

Mobile phones aren't the answer to everything. You're still not there.

How does this change when they get to say 15 or 16 or even 17? Do they suddenly become capable of dealing with an emergency overnight? No thought not, the only thing that changes with a number is other peoples acceptance that this is a reasonable age

Depends on the maturity of the child.

My friend leaves her 14 year old about once a month to work a nightshift (she works 11pm - 7am) and her son loves it and copes absolutely fine

My eldest is 11 and unless she has a complete personality transplant in the next 2 years, there's no way I'd dare leave her overnight.

I am going out tonight, leaving 14yo DD alone hot the first time ever. However, I will not leave till after dinner, and I will be back by 11pm. She will be able to contact me, and if she needs me, I will go straight home.

Wouldn't leave an under 16yo after 11pm, no.

Barred, you imply that a group of you went to an adult free house in order to get drunk all night, if not wanting my child to do that aged 14 makes me a snob then I can live with that.

We obviously have different ideas on what 'responsible' means

I am only doing this as I haven't had an evening out in 2.5yrs, all younger DC's will be away with their fathers, and unfortunately DD couldn't sleep over at her friends this weekend.

I have left her for 3-4 hrs at a time before during the day, to go shopping, when she hasn't wanted to traipse round Tesco at the weekend, but the latest I have previously left her is 9pm for a carol concert at the younger DS's school when we weren't allowed enough tickets for her to go.

Also, as we are in a terraced house, if there IS a problem, not only can she ring me, but at least 3 of the neighbours will be fine if she knocks on their door. (I've asked!)

Still nervous, but it's only till 11pm. At her age I was doing overnight babysitting for a girl with severe Autism who was non-verbal!

DD isn't ready for that level of responsibility, but will be gone on her own, with snacks and unfettered access to the remote control for the evening!

Absolutely not. I was an extremely sensible and mature child but for one reason or another I wasn't left on my own overnight until I was almost 18. I was fine but it was a bit weird being on your own and I can imagine some 13 year olds would be really scared. No one can know how they'll feel in the middle of the night if there are strange noises.

DS1: I'd trust him overnight now, at 12
DS2: would get too nervous! Would be better if he was the only one at home, lacks sense. Bad Idea.
DD: No, she'd get up to mischief, hold a party & raid my drinks cupboard, probably.

But not just to go drinking. That's ridiculous, imho.
Staying with a partner a mile away.... maybe. If child was like my DS1. Not the others.

Cannot fathom what is so special about 11pm. Do they turn into pumpkins?

Rene, I implied nothing-you made an assumption. As for being a snob, that came from your 'classy' remark-people who presume to be classy very rarely are....
Oh & please also don't assume to know what I think is responsible or not, I use a thing called common sense & refuse to tar all with the same brush-people should be judged on their own attributes.

My DD is almost 16 and I wouldn't leave her overnight. Not because I don't think she couldn't look after herself, but because I would worry. What if there's a fire? What if there's a burglar? I know it's unlikely, but I would be far happier for her to stay with friends/grandparents than be left alone.

For an evening out (maybe to 11ish) I wouldn't worry as much, as she'd still be up and about, but certainly not all night.

Errr, ok

no

What would you like me to explain?

How am I presuming to be classy? Classy in this case was used as an insult, not a description of myself.

Why are you tarring everyone who presumes to be classy with the same brush when you refuse to tar all with the same brush?

How is it responsible to go drinking at a mate's house at 14?

What assumption am I making? I was going by your post stating that going to the house to drink was what you did.

Anyway, I actually didn't mean to fire up your rockets, as I think most people would be concerned about their 14yo doing what you did as a 14yo even if they had done it themselves and I kind of thought that was where you were coming from. My first post wasn't really intended as a pop at you, perhaps I should have put a grin at the end and then you wouldn't have got all feisty, but then I was bad and got drawn into a tiff.

Depends on the child tbh, I was babysitting overnight for neighbours but my mum was in if there was a problem.

Mine could look after themselves-but I doubt that either of them would wake in an emergency in tine to get themselves, cat & dog out!

Yes I got the classy thing being an insult-rather twatish one tbh as you know nothing about me-so mine was a twatish insult right back at you.

You assumed we were getting drunk-that is what your post said-mine didn't

As for the tarring with the same brush (had nothing to do with class-who knows how you got that???) I meant I don't assume all teenagers are idiots who are incapable of looking after themselves.

I never said there was anything responsible about drinking at 14, nor did I condemn it-I truly hope that I wont turn into a hypocrite when my kids get to that age & remember exactly what I got up to, I shall also be honest with them if they ask-what is to be achieved by lying to them?

Part of being a good parent is teaching your DCs to be responsible. 12 hours alone, most of them sleeping is not unreasonable for a 13yo who has been brought up properly.

There are 16yos who live alone with 1 (or 2) DCs.

To people who say 'what if there is a fire or burglary'- you should teach your DCs how to handle these situations regardless. Parents often can't get to their DCs during a fire so they need to know how to escape alone even if they are never left alone.

I was left alone a lot at that age. Consequently I got up to things I really shouldn't have, partially out of loneliness. I was pretty vulnerable really.

Much depends on frequency, imo.

I started babysitting over night for three children when I was 13, in 1991. Occasionally, their mum wouldn't come back until 2 or 3 p.m. However, my mum was just around the corner.

Personally, I think 13 is too young, but if it was an emergency and there was a responsible adult next door, then I might in those circumstances. Otherwise, 15.5/16 sounds about right, IMO, for most sensible teenagers.