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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you leave a 13yr old home alone overnight?

106 replies

carlywurly · 15/06/2012 21:34

A friend mentioned in conversation that she does this regularly when shes out with friends or staying with her dp who lives a mile or so away.

Her ds has just turned 13. Apparently he loves having the place to himself.

I really didn't know what to say. My own dcs are much younger so it's not something I've really considered yet.

Aibu for feeling a bit shocked or is doing this normal??

OP posts:

exexpat · 15/06/2012 22:24

My 13yo DS would probably love it too - he'd have all his friends over and raid the drinks cupboard, I expect. So no, I wouldn't do it. I leave him for the evening, in charge of his little sister, but I'm back by 11ish and there would be no chance for him to get up to anything (DD would tell on him ).

tittytittyhanghang · 15/06/2012 22:31

I dont disagree, i know plenty 16 year olds who I wouldn't trust to stay at home by themselves ( i just barely trust my brother, but know my son will keep him right :)) But most 13 years olds not being able to stay at home alone doesnt mean all 13 year olds. Before you start questioning your friends parenting i would check to see if her son is happy and capable. If he is i don't see the point in taking it any further, especially if the alternative is that the mothers dp then started staying over, or the ds had to stay over with his mum. If the 13 is not capable, and in danger, then of course I would question it.

tittytittyhanghang · 15/06/2012 22:32

Also meant to ask how much is regular? I would have thought that one a week/fortnight was probably pushing it. If it was every other night, i wouldn't think this was acceptable.

2rebecca · 15/06/2012 22:45

lovebunny · 15/06/2012 22:46

Hulababy · 15/06/2012 22:52

No I wouldn't

Tbh if at 13y they're raiding the drinks too then that's definitely not mature or sensible to be left overnight especially! Feel quite upraised that anyon would really think that would be recommended for a 13yo child!

cory · 15/06/2012 22:53

I wouldn't. Mine wouldn't be happy with this, so it would never come up. I don't mind leaving 12yo ds in the daytime-but nights are lonelier.

But I would trust dd when she is 16 if she wants to (she probably won't as she has anxiety problems). I stayed in a foreign hotel when I was 16 and was completely trustworthy.

It' s not that I don't trust either my 12yo or my 15yo; it's just that I want them to feel comfortable too.

Buntingbunny · 15/06/2012 23:02

No, 14 yo DD often reads until midnight so I guess at a push I'd stay out until then.

But it would feel totally wrong not to put a head round the door, check she had turned her light out and say good night.

Nanny0gg · 15/06/2012 23:33

BarredfromhavingStella - Rene meh, we had fun & amazingly nobody died Like I said depends on the maturity of said youngster-you get some very sensible 14 year olds then you get knobs-parental judgement is all that is required, sure she knows her own child

Of course, that's why there's never been any successful prosecutions for child neglect.

13 is far too young.

BarredfromhavingStella · 15/06/2012 23:34

Rene wow you sound like a true snob & a proper killjoy as was my first instinct from your post-take your head out of your arse & don't judge me & the way I grew up!!! I have a saying which is 'if you can look back on it & it makes you smile then it is not a true regret' I have no true regrets

BarredfromhavingStella · 15/06/2012 23:39

Sorry but are you all so far past being 14 that you have completely forgotten it?!?! I basically ran the house I came from at this age along with looking after my 6 year old brother so get real & don't judge all 14 year olds by the ones you were or have ffs-pretty sad that you all seem to be setting your children up for a life of relying on someone else.......

ProdigalMNer · 15/06/2012 23:41

IMHO YANBU, I wouldn't feel at all comfortable with this. Even with my eldest DD who was very mature for her age at 13.

Mrbojangles1 · 15/06/2012 23:41

Its not the child who chages when left alone at night its the rosks their are less people around help is harder to get if somthing happens.

Getting to help is harder in the middle of the night and when your a child things can seem a lot more sinster at 4am than at 4pm

I would expect a 14 year old to be able to stay home alone in a emergancey situation with a adult on their way to look after them

But not just for a jolly

I just dont understand why a sleepover at mates or nannys cant be arranged also what is worse than leaving a 14 year old at home is leaving a 14 year old with a smaller child

RubyFakeNails · 15/06/2012 23:45

I've done this since about the same age, my oldest 2 are now 16 and can be left on their own for a weekend to babysit the 6 year old.

It totally depends on the child and also your experience of their behaviour. I imagine she had left him for increasing amounts of time prior to leaving him overnight.

I also don't think it's your business to get involved. If both her and her son are happy with it and there aren't any problems so far it sounds fine. It's down to an individual parents discretion.

usualsuspect · 15/06/2012 23:46

No I wouldn't

NeverFearWonderWomanIsHere · 15/06/2012 23:48

Nope definitely wouldn't. The first time my mum and dad left me to babysit my younger sister overnight I was almost 17 and she was 12. First time we left DSD alone overnight she was almost 17 and we went on a 3 night holiday to Wales with the kids and she didn't want to come. Even then we had my mum check on her several times.

Birdsgottafly · 15/06/2012 23:52

Some 14 year olds would be fine, depending on their friends and the area that they lived in, their vulnerability etc, but this teen has just turned 13.

That is why the law and guidance changes, to suit the child's greater maturity and understanding of consequence, around desicion making at 14.

It is the danger of older, manipulative teens, that know they have an empty house to party in, that they face the most danger from.

ravenAK · 15/06/2012 23:53

Our next door neighbour at our old house used to leave her 13 & 10 year old sons, with us as 'off site babysitters', I suppose. Her older ds would tap on our front door at about 10ish to let us know that his brother was in bed & he was off to bed too - their mum would be home a few hours later.

I think this was absolutely fine, tbh. Terraced houses, so we would've heard if any issues, & I had a key. I used it once when the boys had a massive, shouty (but not violent) row...they were quite mortified at me turning up & giving them a bollocking! On every other occasion, they just got themselves sensibly to bed, & I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation of a secondary age student.

So I'd argue that it's OK if there is a reachable adult. If the OP's friend is only a mile away & can be phoned, I wouldn't rule it out entirely.

MammaTJ · 15/06/2012 23:55

There is no minimum age to leave your child alone, but I would not at 13!

sheepsgomeeping · 16/06/2012 00:09

My mum left me on my own at the age of thirteen overnight, well ok with a friend but I was the most boring teenager ever so didnt dare get up to much.

We had a family emergency that day so it was a solution that suited everyone

I loved it! We watched horror films and had the munchies all night, no alcohol. Didnt dare my mum was fierce.

I knew what to do in an emergency. I was very sensible.

Really would not leave my ds though. He is nearly 13 and is not nature enough to be left. I would come home to a ruin!

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2012 00:14

All of you that think it's ok - there but for the grace of god...

God forbid anything happens, but if it did the parents would be liable for prosecution.

Why is it too much trouble to arrange care?

ravenAK · 16/06/2012 00:25

Tbh, I'm more worried that 13 year olds are either so incompetent or so out of control that they can't be expected to get themselves to bed & keep an emergency phone number handy in the highly unlikely event of a problem.

I was wild camping at that age!

It doesn't bode terribly well for complete independence at 18, if they can't be trusted to this extent at 13. Not all 13 year olds, obviously, but I'd imagine most could cope perfectly well with this.

TheCreepingLurgy · 16/06/2012 00:51

It's a funny one, isn't it? I've had perfectly sensible babysitters aged 14 looking after my little ones until midnight. My DS1 will be 14 soon and I can imagine him babysitting, but I am not sure if I would leave him alone with his younger brothers. They don't accept his "authority" due to normal sibling rivalry, but I would trust him to look after other children sensibly and responsibly. Age is not the only factor

BackforGood · 16/06/2012 00:59

Agree with TCL ^
No way I'd leave either my very sensible, mature dd who is 13, nor her totally immature and irresponsible brother, who is 15, alone overnight. They do do camping quite a lot, including bivouacing, so it's not that they can't fend for themselves, (can't remember who said that) but it's totally different.

sashh · 16/06/2012 04:31

Why does it make a difference being night? At 11pm do all the monsters come out from under the bed?

It depends on the child, the house/flat and a dose of common sense. A 14 year old in a locked house alone has to be as safe as one going to the cinema with friends.

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