To wonder why women put up with such crap from the men in their lives?

[seeker]

There's always threads on here about men being unable to cook, or about men making women feel so uncomfortable in the driving seat of a car that they can't drive when the man is in the car.........and women seem to think this sort of thing is normal and acceptable. Or even if they don't they still think it's up to them as women to modify their behaviour to accommodate men.

Why???????????????

you've got me there.

well aren't you WONDERFUL

awards medal!!!!

what exactly do you want to hear here?

some women (and men) are stuck, and I am sure your thread will make them feel loads better!

Because leaving is scary and expenisve? Because they've been conditioned for so long to put up with the shit it seems normal? Because their confidence is so eroded by the nastiness and monotony of it all they don't know if they're strong enough to leave? Because they're that tired of it all they have no energy to fight enough to make the change?

These men don't just suddenly wake up and decide to be arseholes, they start out nice and caring or the women would run a mile immediately, they then slowly and subtly chip away at the womans confidence and self esteem and before she realises what is happening she has already lost all sense of who she is and has no self worth left.

I think for the most part, YABU. In a relationship there is often niggling irritating behaviour or just out right bickering, it's what comes of close proximity imo.

There are probably just as many men who seethe about their partner making them feel like they can't cook, because they get moaned at for making too much mess in the process, or they haven't timed all the components of the meal properly and so on. Men who are made to feel like a zoo animal when performing parental duties like nappy changing or bathing the baby, because their partner stands watch like a hawk making sure 'they do it right'.

There will be some women who put up with utter shit bags for husbands/partners, but I would hazard a guess and say women can be just as bad.

well said doing

threads like this annoy the fuck out of me

This is what annoys me about women.

I think women who jump from relationship to relationship constantly without feelings for the man are insecure. Then they moan at how he's annoying them?

"These men don't just suddenly wake up and decide to be arseholes"

No, some of them are clearly arseholes from the start, and women feel they should "work at it" after dating for a month.

"some women (and men) are stuck"

Very few are genuinely stuck.

Who is perfect? I'm under no illusions, I'm pretty sure some of my little ways might annoy my dh. We're 2 individual people living together and spending the majority of our time together, even sharing a tiny bit of space to sleep on. Its quite full on. There are lots of other people in my life I am close to but not to the same extent.

I'm not going to bail out of the most important relationship in my life with the father of my children who I love explicitly because he doesn't put his dirty socks in the washing basket. Just like I don't think he's about to leave me because I never clean the car out and all the crap in is mine and I make a royal fuck up of every
meal I've ever cooked.

Leave the bastard.

Ok. Badly phrased. But I was annoyed by the driving thread. I'm not talking about serious physical or emotional abuse. I'm talking about the assumption that so may women in perfectly acceptable relationships make that it it up to them to accommodate men's behaviour ( this happens in really damaging relationships too, but that isn't what I'm talking about). I was shocked, for example by the number of women who think it's perfectly Ok for their man psyche them out of the driving seat- and who have so internalised this that they think it's their choice. And things like that,

i see what your saying but 6yrs ago i thought i was a strong,independent no nonsense women,fast forward 6yrs after being (on amd of) with the most controlling man i have ever met,abusive,jealous etc etc

it didnt start like that but now im a shell of my former self,i wish i saw it coming but it dosent work like that

only now am i starting again

totally agree with kate,dont understand women that do that either,but then some women wont understand why i had a relationship like mine for so long

yabu

The thing is, in any normal happy partnership both sides put up with a lot. That's why the relationshios are happy and normal.

Making a stand about small niggles is not conducive to a loving home life.

Wordfqctory- have you read the driving thread????????

There's also, because it is the model their parents provided and they know nothing else.

No woman would chose to live with a nasty, lazy or entitled partner if she felt strong enough to leave or knew there was better out there.

It's not just a case of leaving or not putting up with it. There is always more to it than that.

Of course no-one is genuinely stuck in the sense that they cannot just walk out and leave or phone the police to have an abusive partner removed, but many are psychology stuck or scared into staying with threats of violence or the fear of poverty or just simply the unknown.

Taking yourself and your children away from all they know with no back up plan and no finances and no-where to go, is never an easy choice to make.

Being stuck in a relationship with a partner who is EA or disrespectful is physically and mentally draining. Finding the strength to change it is hard.

agree!

and why are there So Many twatty men out there?

if i ever split up with dh i reckon i will just stay single or swing the other way

But surely accommodating, adapting and compramising is part of sharing your life with someone?

On threads like the one you're talking about you're getting the woman's point of view. You don't know what else is going on. There's aspects of dh's habits etc that he's adapted over the years to suit me and vice versa. If you only ever hear me moaning then he'd sound like a prize knob. And no doubt I'd sound like a major cow! But we don't really moan. We've grown into each other over the years.

Because people are constantly told platitudes such as that relationships require compromise, that they are hard work (my personal pet peeve), that leaving instead of addressing problems are the coward's way out. The success of a relationship is generally judged by how long it lasts, not how content the people are in it.

It's not easy for people with little or no experience to know where to draw the line between healthy compromise and putting up with shit that won't improve, only get worse.

And yes, there are also people who are stuck. Long-term relationships are, more often than not, held together by many things beyond personal pleasure in each other's company, and most people aren't ready to disentangle those lines unless they really are at the end of their tether.

I suppose everything I'm gushing about only applies when its on both sides. If one partner is the one making all the changes then that's not fair.

seeker no I haven't. Is it bad? I will check it out.

I don't think this is a man issue, it's a 'people' issue. Every single person has good/bad points and little niggles that when you are in a full time committed relationship can become extremely magnified. I find this whole 'men are....men don't do...men can't...' thread pretty tedious after a while. It's not some us versus them game, we are all the same.

If ever a man comes on here and says 'my wife doesn't do....' then we are all ready with explanations and reasoning, but it seems a lot of us like to jump to conclusions where men are concerned on these threads.

Men are also judged negatively when they break up a relationship. The heartless asshole who bailed out when the going got tough. Leaving is seen as not taking the relationship seriously enough to put in "the work".

Agreed Teeb, VERY tedious.

Its something i think about, like everyone has some insecurities and deal with them in different ways, im insecure about my post-pregnancy 'figure' so i buy clothes and eat to deal with those insecurities. Some women jump from realtionships to make them feel good about themselves.

ALOT of my friends do it, have done it for years and will probably continue to do it for the rest of their lives!

What Panicking said.

"If one partner is the one making all the changes then that's not fair."

Clearly. And yet women are frequently advised to put up with shitty, unacceptable treatment in the name of "compromise".

And they do end up compromised.

The point is made here when its mentioned about men who can't cook. I can't cook. I can ensure no one in my house will starve but generally dh will come home from work and prepare the evening meal. Even when I'm off work. If a woman came on hear saying her dh is in the house all day and waits for her to come home to cook he'd be called all the twats under the sun.

Yes I read all of the driving thread and was shocked by the behaviour of some of the men, shouting and grabbing the wheel etc. that's ridiculous and definatly be totally unacceptable to me.

However my df is a very controlling man and is in charge of all aspects of my mums life so I am very aware of how these little things add up to become dangerous.

As a dd of their relationship I have learned that it's important in marriage to have a job, even part time ,so you meet other people and earn some independent cash and feel able to input into financial decisions.

Learn to drive, keep up your friendships, keep up hobbies and maintain independence from partner.

Set boundaries that must never be crossed so slapping, pushing, nasty name calling us a deal breaker.

My mum has none of the independent stuff but puts up with the nasty stuff but it's HER CHOICE.

My marriage very different but feel so sad for her.