To ask if you are or have been the parent of a bully...

[Tootiredtosleep]

My DD was singled out and excluded for most of Year 3 by one girl. This girl is a born ring leader and easily manipulates the other children. DD withdrew on the basis that not being involved with the group of girls was a better option than being picked on, excluded etc.

She had quite a miserable year. We made several trips into the school. The child was spoken to, the parents were spoken to etc. things would always get better for a while then revert to the norm of excluding DD. As an adult I could see that this child was jealous. She also had a much stronger personality and by excluding DD, made life a lot nicer for herself.

Anyway, I digress. Things are gradually getting better and DD is settling down a bit.

I often think that whilst hard for me to witness and distressing for DD, how must it feel to be on the other side? It's all well and good having the school on your side and all saying great things about your DD. What is it like, however, on the other side? This girls parents are nice people. They seem like very caring parents. They never apologised for their DD's behaviour. Do you go into denial and think it must not be true or blown out of proportion?

Would love to hear it from the other side?

Have name changed and changed some details.

My dd was accused of being a a bully in year 8. It was awful. While I was pretty sure it wasn't true, I knew I had to believe the other girl and act accordingly. Worst two weeks of my life.

I would so much rather be the parent of a bullied child than a bully.

I think the parents probably don't know as much about the situation as they should, and on top of that they will naturally tend to play it down, so they will end up not realising how big the problem actually is.

Schools ime are not very good at telling the parents of a bully what has been going on as they try to deal with it themselves and the child isn't going to admit to it unless they have to.

My DS bullied another boy at school. Both have ASD. I emailed the Senco and said "I think DS is bullying X". The school dealt with it and I had no contact with the parents.

Have you any of your DC been bullied, seeker?

Interesting to hear that seeker. That's why I said, that whilst I felt for my DD (it was awful, many sleepiness nights for both of us, running out of school crying etc). I always knew I was in the right and had the school on my side. As a caring person, I didn't envy those on the other side. I mean how do you handle that?

Wouldn't prefer to be the parent of a bullied child though, it has been a truly demoralising year that seems to be having a long term effect on DD.

Has your child been a bully, handmadetail?

Did envy obviously

I should add that he had been bullied at Junior School, and I think it was the first time he found someone he could get the better of. Not defending it though. I felt really sorry for the other lad.

It's so hard to fight your natural instinct to defend your off spring! Well done Jandy.

I would so much rather be the parent of a bullied child than a bully.

Yes, of course you would. It's such fun.

This must be one of the most crass and insensitive remarks I've ever read.

Is it? I've tried both. Have you?

I think seeker was being very open an honest as it goes...and without feeling the need to name change too.

But nowhere did she say being bullied would be 'such fun'.

I would so much rather be the parent of a bullied child than a bully.

Really?

I was bullied at school. I seriously considered suicide at one point, including spending hours in the library researching ways to do it.

I don't think that the parents of a bully would be worrying too much about her/him taking her/his own life. For the parents of bullied children it's a real possibility.

Children can have their lives utterly ruined by bullies. Lack of confidence and self-esteem can affect their academic achievements; effectiveness in the work place; ability to form adult relationships, etc, etc, etc.

Bullies have a choice. They can change their behaviour when they choose to do so. It needn't have any detrimental effect on the rest of their life.

There is a thoroughly obnoxious, unpleasant boy in my school. Possibly the only child I have ever struggled to find a positive aspect to.
Whenever mum is called in to discuss latest transgression, she manages to turn the entire situation around in the most shocking ways. This woman's son has hurt/offended/bullied so many children in school that mother has become quite isolated (No longer on the Friends Committee, etc)

At first I scorned her for not supporting the teachers and basically lying on behalf of her son. And I still do in a way. But it must be very difficult to accept your only son is an unpleasant, dishonest bully.

I have a step daughter who lives with me and has been accused of bullying in the past. It's quite possibly the worst feeling! As a parent u feel it's ur fault and ask urself is it something we did?!!! Had meetings with school which were upsetting and honestly embarrassing! We dealt with it the best way we knew how and as time went out its transpired my dd wasn't all too blame!! So not nice as I too have experienced both sides!!!

I name changed worra as people know me on here, I didnt want to be identified.

I agree with seeker to a certain extent. Whilst DD being bullied was and still is horrible, there is a certain self righteousness attached to it, that you don't get if you are the parent of a bully. It can't be nice having the paranoia that your child is the class bully.

Its unlikely DD would see it this way though. It is more from a parents perspective.

Sorry, seeker, maybe that sounded aggressive. I was asking a question. I was interested to know about the comparison you were making.

I can understand that it must be difficult for a parent whose DC is accused of bullying, at the time. It's unlikely to ruin the bully's (or alleged bully's) life, however.

Do you really mean that Seeker? Wouldn't it depend on the level of bullying?

Not that the position of either parent is exactly desirable, but really?

Well sais shelly. I too was bullied and know all to well the impact

Well, if you take the view that bullies are obnoxious little shits ( that charming mumsnet epithet) whose parents don't give a fuck, then I can possibly see why you might be outraged by my statement ( although I did not say thwt position was "fun").

In the real world the are complex stories behind every situation. And yes, if I was forced to choose I would choose to be parent of a bullied child than a bully. And yes, I have been both. It turned out, eventually, that my dd was not, in fact a bully. But I thought she was. And I have never experienced anguish like it.

ShellyBoobs "I don't think the parents of a bully would be worrying too much about him/her taking his/her own life". That would depend entirely on why they were doing the bullying. At the point where DS started bullying X he had already experienced four years of bullying at Junior School and had been self-harming. As I said before, I think X was the first person he could get the better of. I am not defending him, and we worked really hard to get him to un derstand that what he was doing was wrong, but he was actually in as much danger of harming himself as the other boy.

Dd1 has been a bully in the past, she is on the receiving end of some pretty nas

Fromty bullying herself atm.

In her defence, although it is not an excuse for her previous behaviour at all, she suffers from low self esteem and has had an awful lot of heartache and bereavement in her 8 years.

She admitted what she was doing to me one night. I told that although I loved her and always would I was absolutely disgusted and appalled with her behaviour and it would not be tolerated in my house at all.

I also went to the school and repeated what she told me herself and her friends had been doing/saying to the victim. She was encouraged to write a letter of apology to him (by me, with support from the school) and all of her friends were spoken to about the matter.

AFAIK it ended there. She is now friends with her former victim and is going through the same thing herself, so her already low confidence is taking a battering

Both things were equally bad to me, although her doing the bullying was easier to deal with. I have some element of control over my own child and can work with the school to shape her behaviour. I have no control over what the bully's parents teach their child and so I am left feeling helpless. All I can do is continue repeating to the school what dd1 is telling me, in the hope that what they try this time will help and keep letting my dogs run in front of the little cow on the way home from school and spoil her scooting game

Doinmecleanin. Sounds like you handled a difficult situation very well. We have never had an apology either verbal or written. Just an excuse for the child's behaviour. Makes me wonder if the parents were in denial?

Some parents behave badly themselves. Bullying doesn't end the moment a person leaves school. And if people have those standards they will pass them on to their children.