Creepy FIL - Advice needed...

[lemonslemonslemons]

He left MIL when DH was 4 (we weren?t married then, in case you are wondering) as he had had an affair and was a nasty piece of work. He would send birthday/Christmas card to DH & BIL most years and 3.5 years ago DH decided to get in contact with him (our first Christmas married?guess he felt like he was finally able to make his own decision and not be led my his mum). I encouraged it because he had been talking about it for a while.

Anyway, he and his dad met up in the January(2009) and I met him for the first time in May 2010. FIL lives in another country so we very rarely see him, but when he has stayed with us he really creeps me out. I like to think that I am a fairly good judge of character, but there really is something about him that makes me feel uneasy. Really uneasy. He touches me inappropriately (well, I think it?s inappropriate/unnecessary - hand in small of back, hands on waist if he wants to pass. I have spoken to DH about this so he is aware) and has cornered me a couple of times when DH was in another room and said things like ?If you have a problem with me then you speak to me about it, I don?t want to hear that you have been speaking about me behind my back?. Again, I spoke to DH about this and about the two times that FIL thought it would be appropriate to hug me without a shirt on.

So, now I am pregnant (7 months) and he wants to come visit us again. SH has said that?s fine, but he would need to stay in a B&B (thank goodness for such a good DH!) as we are busy etc. FIL called DH to ask if we have a problem with him and do we even want him involved in the baby?s life etc etc. He has contacted me on FB a few times (we are not friends, he inboxes me) and he always apologises for getting in touch and asks if everything is ok as he hasn?t heard from me (why would he hear from me?!) yada yada yada.

I know I might get slated for being 'too sensitive', but he creeps me out BIG TIME, so I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with him (not ?hire a hit man? deal, just?you know!)???

I think you sound a bit harsh

Your husband tracked him down. Sounds like your FIL is really trying hard and aware of when he makes mistakes and anxious to put things right.

Can't see any issue with him saying 'if you have a problem speak to me about it.' sounds fair enough.

It sounds like you have just made up your mind you don't like him or want him in your life

Trust your instincts, he sounds quite threatening. Stick to your guns about the B&B.Does your dh want him to be a part of your baby's life?

Keep on what you are doing.

Make him stay in a BB.

Keep visits very short and if possible on neutral ground (a lunch out, a coffee somewhere, a trip to a park with all of you and the baby).

Get your DH to agree not to leave you alone with him at any point. (invite friends/family to the meet ups so there are more people you trust about).

Never leave him unsupervised with your child.

Don't reply to his FB messages. Get all contact through your DH.

If he is abusive/rude refuse to spend any time with him or talk to him.

If your DH doesn't actively want to maintain contact then dont. At all.

I think you are going OTT - maybe you are a bit jealous of the relationship between DH and FIL
Need to get over yourself

Stick to your guns. Trust your instincts, the touching thing is perverse.

The cornering you about talking to YOUR H about him behind his back is beyond menacing.

Perhaps it would have been better if your H hadn't tracked him down. He was a nasty piece of work then, why would he have been any different now.

Make sure your H doesn't leave you alone with him.

sorry I don't think OP is being harsh at all - why does she need to "get over herself?"

OP - trust your instincts Sarcalogos gives good advice

Trust your instincts!!!

Definitely go with your gut. Could it be anything cultural (not that I know any cultures that need to grope women) but some might be a bit more touchy feely?

If it continues you need to confront him, but in a brief manner, I am sure there will be better suggestions soon, but something along the lines of "when you do that it makes me feel uncomfortable" or "please don't touch me like that".

Don't get into any communication with him, leave that to your DH.

Sounds like he is getting a bit of a kick out of making you feel uncomfortable and the only way to "deal" with people like this is to be quite rude and blunt to them. You need to give him a clear message to back off.

your FIL, a bloke you don't know, one your DH didn't even know hugged you without a shirt on..? WTAF?

so now her FIL is a paedo?

Do you feel like you can continue as things are, or is the thought of seeing him again stressing you out? I think instincts are really important, but as you hardly see him, where is the issue? It sounds as if you may be using his past behaviour to influence how you feel towards him, nasty piece of work etc. If you genuinely feel threatened/very uncomfortable when you are around him, then obviously that needs addressing. This comes from someone who's FIL always takes a 'special' interest in breastfeeding, and always has to come over when I'm feeding to make sure everything is ok

what is creepy about him asking you to speak to him directly if you have a problem with him? You are an adult and bitching about him to your husband is talking behind his back so i can see why he has called you on it.

As to touching you, some people are just more touchy feely than others and if all he has done is in you op than he is hardly coping a feel or groping you and you could solve this just by saying to him you prefer not to be touched as you have a thing about personal space ect.

Definitely trust your instincts - I would all the stuff sarcologos says - only keep it all very low key, he's probably an attention seeker!

I think that him cornering you was intimidating. A man with sensitivity would have let it drop and made sure he made an effort to change his manner towards you. It occurred to me that the touching could be "cultural", but he's been told that you don't like it so that should be the end of it.

I think that I'd let him visit but not be alone with him, as Sarcologos says

Jesus and Mary on a speedboat! The poor man has committed the crime of putting a hand on the small of your back/on your waist if he wants to get past and has - shock horror - hugged you without wearing a shirt!

You made your husband "aware" (of what exactly? Of a man wanting to get past you and being more tactile than your puritanical high standards consider acceptable) rather than saying, "FIL I'm sure you don't mean to make me feel like this but the hands on waist thing makes me feel a little uncomfortable, please don't do it again" and then you get offended because he's had the maturity to request that you address him when it's about him rather than speaking badly of him behind his back.

Christ on a bike!

Nancy66 Mon 11-Jun-12 14:11:51 so now her FIL is a paedo?

How on earth have you jumped to that conclusion? I don't leave my children alone with my father but not because for one moment I think he's a paedo - I have my own reasons!

Nancy66 is clearly determined to slate the OP. It is her body, she has clearly stated she is not comfortable. Remember they barely know each other. Its about respecting people's personal space. If someone indicates they don't like something and the other person keeps on with the same behaviour i think this is .

From what i read the OP supported her DH to form this relationship with his father so why would she be jealous? Ridiculous statement
Some posters have given the OP some really good advice of how too deal with this, so i hope all goes well OP.

Graham - if the OP felt like she was being groped, then maybe it was easier for her to raise this with her husband than with a man she hardly knows who she feels uncomfortable with. Unfair to accuse her of being puritanical (yes, we saw that). Is she also uptight and frigid?

cantspel she is not bitching, she discussed the issue with her husband and he spoke to the FIL.

Wow, have never had so many people agree with me before!

I also agree with arfur, keep it very low key, he doesn't need to know what strategies you are employing against him.

Sarcologos - don't count your chickens. It cam turn at any moment. I predict 10 more pages of this

(I agree with you though)

Sarcalogos i agree with you too, it balances out the bullshit, nonsense a few posters are trying to accuse the OP of

It doesn't actually matter if the man is an unfledged angel - you don't like him, you don't owe him anything just because he had sex with your mother in law on at least two occasions, and you certainly don't have to put up with him being in your home - why should you? Good on your DH for not putting pressure on you to "keep the peace" or insisting he stays with you, that's something at least. I don't get all these people who think (and they always think it on behalf of other people, yet you have to wonder just what they would put up with or not) you should be nice to people you don't like just because they are related to you. You don't! Why should you make yourself uncomfortable and stressed out in your own home to be polite to someone who makes you feel that way?

OP - your DH sounds really supportive.

"Graham - if the OP felt like she was being groped, then maybe it was easier for her to raise this with her husband than with a man she hardly knows who she feels uncomfortable with. Unfair to accuse her of being puritanical (yes, we saw that). Is she also uptight and frigid?"

I don't know, nor do I have any idea why you'd ask the question. Would you like to tell me why?

I find it odd that a grown woman can't address a (real or imagined) deliberate and/or invasion of personal space directly to the individual concerned rather than go running to her husband for him to deal with it. On the one hand women don't want to be viewed as weak, feeble, incapable, over-reliant on men etc on the other hand there's always someone on MN telling members to get their DH's to confront people on issues which concern the wife, not the husband.

Yanbu op.Trust your instincts!