Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Creepy FIL - Advice needed...

93 replies

lemonslemonslemons · 11/06/2012 14:00

He left MIL when DH was 4 (we weren?t married then, in case you are wondering) as he had had an affair and was a nasty piece of work. He would send birthday/Christmas card to DH & BIL most years and 3.5 years ago DH decided to get in contact with him (our first Christmas married?guess he felt like he was finally able to make his own decision and not be led my his mum). I encouraged it because he had been talking about it for a while.

Anyway, he and his dad met up in the January(2009) and I met him for the first time in May 2010. FIL lives in another country so we very rarely see him, but when he has stayed with us he really creeps me out. I like to think that I am a fairly good judge of character, but there really is something about him that makes me feel uneasy. Really uneasy. He touches me inappropriately (well, I think it?s inappropriate/unnecessary - hand in small of back, hands on waist if he wants to pass. I have spoken to DH about this so he is aware) and has cornered me a couple of times when DH was in another room and said things like ?If you have a problem with me then you speak to me about it, I don?t want to hear that you have been speaking about me behind my back?. Again, I spoke to DH about this and about the two times that FIL thought it would be appropriate to hug me without a shirt on.

So, now I am pregnant (7 months) and he wants to come visit us again. SH has said that?s fine, but he would need to stay in a B&B (thank goodness for such a good DH!) as we are busy etc. FIL called DH to ask if we have a problem with him and do we even want him involved in the baby?s life etc etc. He has contacted me on FB a few times (we are not friends, he inboxes me) and he always apologises for getting in touch and asks if everything is ok as he hasn?t heard from me (why would he hear from me?!) yada yada yada.

I know I might get slated for being 'too sensitive', but he creeps me out BIG TIME, so I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with him (not ?hire a hit man? deal, just?you know!)???

OP posts:
OurPlanetNeptune · 11/06/2012 15:26

Have to dash now. But OP please trust your instincts.

Exactly the same happen to me. I did not trust my instincts and I thought I was being too sensitive. It escalated. I don't want to freak you out so I wont say any more but your experience is uncannily similar to mine.

iscream · 11/06/2012 15:34

Always follow your gut.

He sounds like a creep, I am afraid I would have already said when he cornered you that yes, I do have a problem with having my personal space invaded. Keep 3 feet away from me, and don't touch me again.

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 15:37

and to those who thing it's not gropey, this man keeps making references to the OP having a problem with him, and yet he still touches her??

you read people before touching them, if you get a cool vibe from them, you don't!

Original poster
lemonslemonslemons · 11/06/2012 15:46

Totally forgot to say (if it has any bearing), he is ex army (got kicked out because of the affair). Could explain alot?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/06/2012 15:51

Some people (male or female) are just touchy feely.

I often put my hands on someone if I'm passing behind them in a kitchen.

As for him wanting you to speak to him if you have a problem with him, well that's what adults do isn't it?

hellymelly · 11/06/2012 15:53

Some people are touchy feely yes, usually warm and affectionate ones, of which he sounds neither. He sounds aggressive and domineering and as though he has to have things his way.

squoosh · 11/06/2012 15:54

....................

cocolepew · 11/06/2012 15:56

I ageer to follow your instincts. If someone, no matter who, makes you uncomfortable, stay away from them.

Good for DH for being supportive as well.

squoosh · 11/06/2012 15:56

Lemons you know if your instincts are telling you he's being gropey. Some people on here are going to be determined to tell you he's not and that you should confront him yourself as anything else is childish.

Ignore these people and trust your own instincts. Do what feels right for you, and if that's speak to your husband, then do that.

MrsSquirrel · 11/06/2012 15:57

"As for him wanting you to speak to him if you have a problem with him, well that's what adults do isn't it?"

Not necessarily Worra. I have been bullied in the past and decided the best way for me to deal with the bully was NOT to speak to him.

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 15:58

"Some people (male or female) are just touchy feely"

and some people are not, if you hug someone who's not "huggy" (or who just doesn't want to hug YOU!), you know they aren't into it! They are stiff and cool. if you do it once it is just an awkward mistake, however if you CONTINUE to do it then you are deliberately doing something that you know makes them uncomfortable!

We daily judge other peoples reactions to what we do, sometimes my DS doesn't want to be cuddled, so I don't, other times he is up for a cuddle!
a friend of mine HATES being hugged if she's upset, it's easy to "read" so we don't, she is open to celebratory hugs

This wasn't one incident of touching, the OP will have shown her response to the touching even if she didn't say anything (it's hard to fake a warm hug!), plus the FIL KNOWS she isn't his biggest fan, hence all the "problem" stuff and don't talk to your DH threats, so he KNOWS that him hugging her is aggressive

EchoBitch · 11/06/2012 16:01

Trust your instincts here too.

Keep him at arms length,literally.

I don't find it odd that the OP asks for her DH's support,it's his Father not her's.

If the situation were reversed i would expect DP would bring it to my attention first and ask me to, at the very least be aware that he was uncomfortable.

EchoBitch · 11/06/2012 16:03

And i HATE people putting their hands on my waist when passing.

Just say excuse me and i will move aside.

squeakytoy · 11/06/2012 16:04

Never leave him unsupervised with your child

eh? did I miss a post where the man is a child abuser then?

sugarice · 11/06/2012 16:10

What was the situation where he hugged you without a shirt on? just asking being a nosey nelly Wink . OP do you think he may be trying to claim the position as the Alpha Male of his Sons so to speak and trying to emotionally pull on your dh's heart strings with comments such as asking dh if you both even want him in your baby's life. Also has BIL made contact too?

ohdoone · 11/06/2012 16:36

I knew someone who was like your fil, he did the hand on back/ waist when there is plenty of room to move past without touching, I let it go a couple of times then told him loudly to take his fucking perverted hands off me, he wasn't surprised by my reaction more humoured but he didn't touch me again. He then went on to rape someone I know. Trust your instincts. Any normal man would be utterly mortified to think their behaviour had intimidated their sons wife and would rectify it not try and stir things. I also don't think there is any reason why the ops DH shouldn't have spoken to his father, normally on here people are yelling 'its your DHs job to sort his mum out' so why any different with his dad?

AbigailAdams · 11/06/2012 16:52

OP it is your body and you are allowed to have boundaries with who can and cannot touch you. Other people should respect that. The fact he doesn't speaks volumes.

Also the whole speak to me first speech was designed to try and isolate you from your DH and to stop talking to him about it. Why would he want you to do that? Why is it inappropriate to speak to the son of a person you feel intimidated by?

As others have said trust your instincts.

euphrosyne · 11/06/2012 16:55

I would not leave my child alone with someone I did not particularly like, let alone I found creepy. And that does not apply to potential child abusers only...

OP YANBU.

Another vote for trust your instincts here

DoingTheBestICan · 11/06/2012 18:35

Trust your instincts,I recommend The Gift Of Fear,very good book telling you to trust your own instincts,everyone should read this book in my opinion.

doublechocchip · 11/06/2012 18:39

yanbu at all I can sympathise a little my fil although a very nice guy was way too touchy feely when I got together with dh e.g. trying to give me shoulder massages, play with my hair to many hugs/kisses and I hated it and made it very clear I did, he got the message and is now fine.

Everyone is different in regards to touchy feely stuff and if you don't feel comfortable then stand your ground and tell him.

Lovecat · 11/06/2012 18:44

Trust your instincts. He sounds creepy and a bit of a bully.

Nothing wrong with saying that to your DH either, it's his father - if I had a problem with my FIL or MIL I would want to be able to feel free to moan about it to my DH but wouldn't necessarily want to raise it with them.

MeCookGoodSock · 11/06/2012 18:49

Lemons you are uncomfortable with him touching you and you are intimidated by the way he corners you to speak to you. Keep him at a distance. Let him stay at the B&B. If he asks if you don't like him just say you are still getting to know him and you're not 100% comfortable with him yet. Any reasonable person will understand that. If he's ex army he knows about personal space. He's invading yours. Don't be intimidated by his army front, he's not in command. Stand up to him, show him you are not afraid of him, you just don't like what he is doing.

heroutdoors · 11/06/2012 19:02

To put a hand in/on the small of someone's back is very very suggestive.
Same with hands on the waist.
If you are genuinely touchy feely a hand on the arm will do.

And as for giving Lemons a hug without his top on, ..oh dear.

          P R E D A T O R
pumpkinsweetie · 11/06/2012 19:30

Yanbu, instincts are the most powerful thing from within us, trust in them.
I have never trusted my fil, quite rightly so, as i have found out recently he hit my dh with a belt as a child & hit him.
I only found out because my dh has been acting like a scared child when around him and one night i pressed him for information on what was going on.
I always knew something wasn't right as dh is always doing what pil ask and if he goes against them they shout and swear and frighten him.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2012 19:32

I second what ohdoone says. The reason it's appropriate to pass the complaint - or polite request - through the DH is not because it's a man's job to protect a woman from another man, but because it is the DH's parent who is doing the unacceptable behaviour. Likewise if the OP's mum said or did something that irritated the life out of OP's DH, he might well complain to his wife rather than confront his MIL directly; trusting the daughter to know the most tactful way of raising the issue with her mother.

Personally I'd think it was a lot politer for the DH to take his dad aside and say look, Lemons isn't all that keen on random touching so best lay off eh, than for Lemons to go GET YER 'ANDS OFF MY BOD, SLEAZEBAG. But it may come to that eventually...