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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Creepy FIL - Advice needed...

93 replies

lemonslemonslemons · 11/06/2012 14:00

He left MIL when DH was 4 (we weren?t married then, in case you are wondering) as he had had an affair and was a nasty piece of work. He would send birthday/Christmas card to DH & BIL most years and 3.5 years ago DH decided to get in contact with him (our first Christmas married?guess he felt like he was finally able to make his own decision and not be led my his mum). I encouraged it because he had been talking about it for a while.

Anyway, he and his dad met up in the January(2009) and I met him for the first time in May 2010. FIL lives in another country so we very rarely see him, but when he has stayed with us he really creeps me out. I like to think that I am a fairly good judge of character, but there really is something about him that makes me feel uneasy. Really uneasy. He touches me inappropriately (well, I think it?s inappropriate/unnecessary - hand in small of back, hands on waist if he wants to pass. I have spoken to DH about this so he is aware) and has cornered me a couple of times when DH was in another room and said things like ?If you have a problem with me then you speak to me about it, I don?t want to hear that you have been speaking about me behind my back?. Again, I spoke to DH about this and about the two times that FIL thought it would be appropriate to hug me without a shirt on.

So, now I am pregnant (7 months) and he wants to come visit us again. SH has said that?s fine, but he would need to stay in a B&B (thank goodness for such a good DH!) as we are busy etc. FIL called DH to ask if we have a problem with him and do we even want him involved in the baby?s life etc etc. He has contacted me on FB a few times (we are not friends, he inboxes me) and he always apologises for getting in touch and asks if everything is ok as he hasn?t heard from me (why would he hear from me?!) yada yada yada.

I know I might get slated for being 'too sensitive', but he creeps me out BIG TIME, so I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with him (not ?hire a hit man? deal, just?you know!)???

OP posts:

GrahamTribe · 11/06/2012 14:36

** and/or offensive invasion of personal space etc etc

hellymelly · 11/06/2012 14:36

He can tell he is freaking you out, hence the comments. I'm not surprised you find him creepy, he sounds like a bully to me.( And I too hate men touching me when it is obviously not welcome, or done with any real affection. ) How does he make your husband feel? Are they getting closer?
Oh and if talking over private stuff with your husband is "bitching" then I am a big fat bitchy bitch....

cantspel · 11/06/2012 14:38

Running to a man whether husband or not is not the adult way to behave. It is not the 50's where a woman needs her man to fight her battles and keep away the boogey man. If you have a problem with someone then you speak to them about it.

squoosh · 11/06/2012 14:39

GrahamTribe You?ve never been touched by someone who gave you the creeps even though to explain this touch to another it would sound innocuous? Lucky you. Some people are confident confronting people, others aren?t, why would you get so offended that she would rather her husband raises it with the father?

Trust your gut lemons.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 11/06/2012 14:40

Graham - I asked the question because you used the term puritanical, which implied you felt that not wishing to be touched unecessarily related to puritanism (in everyday usage :"strict in moral or religious outlook, esp in shunning sensual pleasures").

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 14:40

"Can't see any issue with him saying 'if you have a problem speak to me about it.' sounds fair enough."

its not fair enough, it would be fair enough if it was in relation to the OP bad mouthing him around town, it is NOT fair enough to try and intimidate her about speaking to her OWN DH about how a house guest makes her feel!

he would not be welcome! he sounds horrible! he knows he is being horrible hence all the "problem" questions, sounds like he is trying to create a problem where YOU are the problem IYKWIM!

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 11/06/2012 14:41

I think asking for your husband is permissible when physical or sexual intimidation is concerned.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 11/06/2012 14:41

your husband's help. He husband doesn't seem to think it was a problem does he?

MrsSquirrel · 11/06/2012 14:42

Agree with helly, he is a bully. He called dh to ask if you have a problem with him, therefore he is aware of how you feel. He knows he is freaking you out, is doing it deliberately.

Absolutely, trust your instincts. It is entirely reasonable not to feel comfortable with him. He is trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

Shakirasma · 11/06/2012 14:42

OP in my unfortunate experience, if something doesn't feel right it is because it isn't right.

Don't let your good manners get in the way of saying how you feel and what you want.

Sarcalogos · 11/06/2012 14:52

Jamie seems the balance is still in my our the OPs favour.

Except a bizarre twist on feminism where admitting to a man you trust that you find another man physically intimidating is somehow wrong. I mean confiding in your husband? Who does that? How unreasonable

MeconiumHappens · 11/06/2012 15:04

I think you're right to listen to your gut feeling and keep open with dh but some of this thread is getting ott, really the 'touching' is hardly groping it is!
The b&b sounds like a good idea, spend time with him only when dh is there too (no reason to see him alone anyway).
When you say he used to be a nasty piece of work, what exactly do you mean? this would make a massive difference to the situation.

squoosh · 11/06/2012 15:07

Meconium the touching makes her uncomfortable, surely that's the point, not the fact he hasn't grabbed her crotch.

Nancy66 · 11/06/2012 15:09

...then say 'would you mind not doing that' when he touches you. Easy

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 15:11

"really the 'touching' is hardly groping it is"

it can be, one man can touch your hand in a way that is aggressive and makes you feel like shit, and another man can accidently touch your arse and it's not intimidating or aggressive

so much of what is groping and what isn't comes down to intention and how it is to be received, there isn't a colour coded body map that says here is okay, here it is groping!

a gropey man can make you shiver by touching you ANYWHERE, someone else can hug you and pat you on the back etc etc and it's fine

squoosh · 11/06/2012 15:11

Yes it is easy. But some people feel intimidated in these situations and are unable to do so.

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 15:12

"...then say 'would you mind not doing that' when he touches you. Easy"

its not really, it sounds almost like he is driving her to react so that she proves his point (whatever point he is trying to make to her DH) - he sounds manipulative and shitty! I'ld rather just avoid him than play his game by "biting back"

arfur · 11/06/2012 15:12

And surely discussing something like this with your husband is ENTIRELY appropriate when the person making you uncomfortable is his father and even more so in view of the fact that this is a new relationship after he has been absent for many years. I not suggesting that this is dubious just simply an unknown quantity.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 11/06/2012 15:15

In fact, I would (and have) said to someone "can you mind not doing that". Not everyone is so assertive (and in my case it was not my FIL - something which would make it massively more awkward). The fact the OP talked to her husband about it is not wrong, IMO.

The FIL's response should have been "I'm so sorry, I wish you'd told me", which is a bit different from what the OP describes - talking to her, on her own, in what sounds like an intimidating way.

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 15:16

I'ld even go one further and say that a creepy gropey man can make you feel violated with a LOOK, so no, I don't think the OP has areas of her body that are okay to be touched in any way by anyone, if she finds the touching gropey, then I'ld say it is!

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 11/06/2012 15:19

agree monkeymama.

HeathRobinson · 11/06/2012 15:22

?If you have a problem with me then you speak to me about it, I don?t want to hear that you have been speaking about me behind my back?.

That's horrible and vaguely threatening, imo.

ChitChatFlyingby · 11/06/2012 15:23

Definitely follow your instinct and keep him away! In a self defence course I did the instuctors were adamant about trusting your instincts in these cases. They said a lot of women get assaulted because they are too polite - instinct tells them to keep away from someone but being polite is so ingrained that they don't remove themselves from the situation because it would be rude - even when they don't know the person. Obviously in your case you do know the person, but don't put being polite above feeling safe.

girlpancake · 11/06/2012 15:23

You seem to be doing fine OP. You've not allowed this man to come between you and your husband. He has arranged for FIL to stay in a BandB. Bearing this in mind, you are unlikely to be left in a situation with him that makes you uncomfortable.
If FIL lives abroad and rarely visits, maybe you could reframe this man as just a pathetic old nuisance who, thankfully, you have to put up with rarely? I'm sure you and DH will continue to deal with it just fine when the child comes along.

nutellaontoast · 11/06/2012 15:25

OMG the OP shouldn't have to warn him off, nor is it unreasonable in any way to speak with her DH about how FIL is making her feel, nor to dislike the way FIL's behaving.

Team Sarcologos.

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