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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pay my neighbour for the hedge dp has broken?

98 replies

blapbird · 10/06/2012 23:54

Renting in a small village, DP cut lots of the hedge which seperates ours and neighbours front garden, she is cross because it has now fallen towards her garden she thinks dp has taken some of the structure f the hedge out when he was cutting it back (so we could get out the front door!)

Tonight he has almost threatened to end our relationship because we both have a very different approach to sorting it out.

I think we should take responsibility because it isn't her fault that there's suddenly a hedge falling into her front garden, I've asked what needs doing and she says three angle irons need buying so she can straighten the hedge up, I agree to this and say I will get back to her.

DP goes ballistic saying that it is her hedge and she should have maintained it properly tehn this would never have happened and he is not willing to pay a penny.

He is more Angry than I have ever seen him.

What do I say to her tomorrow, if I give her the money he will think Im taking her side if I ignore her like he wants me to, I will have to live next door to someone who hates us

This a genuine AIBU??

please help me I cant se the wood from the trees

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/06/2012 23:57

I agree with your DH

If she hadn't have let her hedge encroach upon your property, he wouldn't have had to cut it back.

scurryfunge · 10/06/2012 23:59

I would pay for the items in the interest of neighbourly relations. Too many neighbourhood disputes are fuelled by petty behaviour. Is the cost going to be considerable? By paying, you become the reasonable party.

MrsRhettButler · 11/06/2012 00:02

I know its a bit late now but I think I would have offered to pay half maybe

Noqontrol · 11/06/2012 00:02

I agree with your dh.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2012 00:02

Is he so angry because he feels a bit stupid and you and the neighbour are ganging up on him. Not saying you are, but it that what he thinks. I think he feels a tool. Maybe let him sort it out but say that you feel he really does need to sort it out.

AnyoneForTennis · 11/06/2012 00:02

I kind of agree with your DH too.... Can you go halves?

CuriousMama · 11/06/2012 00:03

He's almost threatened to end your relationship? Shock Sorry but is he usually like this?

Not sure really it's a difficult one? As long as it's a one off then I'd pay up I think? But she does sound a misery guts.

FiftyShadesofViper · 11/06/2012 00:04

Why is it her responsibility that the hedge had not been maintained on your side? Is it her hedge i.e. are the roots on her side of the property line?

I would think, if you accept your DP has caused the hedge to droop then it may be less hassle to pay to fix it than deal with all the hassle. If she is elderly she may be unable to do it herself.

Original poster
blapbird · 11/06/2012 00:04

Thank you so much, if I retract what I said I'd do, she will be really angry and upset (from what I can gather she has no other life apart from her garden)

I was thinking of writing her a letter saying

Dear awkward neighbour,
Having discussed this matter with my DP, I have found that he is not happy to pay for hedge support because as he sees it the hedge had got so big that he had no choice but to cut it back.
Because him and I have polar opposite ways of dealing with things and I, personally am not responsible for his actions, I would appreciate any further discussion on this matter to go through a neutral body (our landlord) to resolve things as quickly as is possible.
Blapbird

??AIBU

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 11/06/2012 00:06

Great letter.

WorraLiberty · 11/06/2012 00:07

No don't write her a letter...that's silly.

Just speak to the woman and tell her that you explained your plans to your DH and he totally does not agree and support them.

Then, tell her to knock and speak to your DH when you know he'll be home.

Original poster
blapbird · 11/06/2012 00:08

hmm no that doesn't look right at all Im so tempted to just pay for it and get it over with (would have to collect these angle irons I beleive about £34)
DP says that if I do that I'll make a rod for my own back because there will always be something. Confused

No he doesnt always react like this, I think he just felt backed into a corner. I hate this Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/06/2012 00:09

Is it wrong to laugh at the angle irons making a 'rod' for your own back?

I thought they just held up inanimate objects? Grin

Original poster
blapbird · 11/06/2012 00:10

Yes worra (you always talk great sense) I will do that phew thanks for your help I'm up fretting (we have one of those driveways where you always have to bump into your neighbours just to get from your car to the house

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 11/06/2012 00:10

How long have you lived there? Do you speak to her normally or can you avoid her?

Original poster
blapbird · 11/06/2012 00:10

worra I did think that too! But taking this all too seriously to chortle! Grin

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 11/06/2012 00:11

Ahh right. Can't avoid her then.

TheHappyHissy · 11/06/2012 00:15

What is YOUR instinct on this?

For the sake of a quiet life I think that it would be best to go and talk to her, explain the P situation and suggest you pay half to remedy it. Sneak in something along the lines of it being her hedge and responsibility to maintain, and that if trees/hedges encroach on your side that you ARE within rights to cut back especially to allow/facilitate access, but that it's important to you that the relationship between you and her remains good....

Don't write to her, go and chat with her.

Sarcalogos · 11/06/2012 00:15

If your DP isn't usually like this I would say or do nothing for a few days so he can calm down.

I imagine he feels a bit of an idiot for breaking it and is also annoyed tht it got so bad he had to sort it out.

squeakytoy · 11/06/2012 00:23

If he has made a fuck up of cutting the hedge, then really he should sort it out.

Who does the hedge actually belong to?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 11/06/2012 00:34

I agree with your dp. You say this woman will be angry and upset if you don't pay, but your dh will be angry and upset if you do pay.

Whose anger and upset is more important to you?

I think you are being very disloyal to your husband. He was just trying to fix a problem that he shouldn't have had to deal with in the first place, he didn't do anything wrong - especially not on purpose.

Anyway, leaving all that aside, why would you just hand over the money without a clue what the hedge actually needs? This woman was cross with you, I wouldn't rely on her not having over reacted at all, and if she's such a hedge fixing expert, she should have sorted her hedge properly in the first place. Get an expert opinion before you pay anything if you are going to insist on going against your dh.

FiftyShadesofViper · 11/06/2012 00:39

Make sure you know who the hedge actually belongs to. If it is yours then it is not her job to maintain it but if it is hers and the dispute gets really heated your DP could be liable for damage if he cut anything on her side of the property line.

We own large hedges down both sides of our front garden so DP cuts them on both our side and the neighbours' sides

IvanaNap · 11/06/2012 00:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

ComposHat · 11/06/2012 01:13

I've asked what needs doing and she says three angle irons need buying so she can straighten the hedge up, I agree to this and say I will get back to her

Is it her hedge encroaching onto your property, if this is the case then you have every right to cut the hedge back to the boundry of your property, whether it is level or not with her side.

If this is the case, tell the cheeky bugger to fuck off, you won't be seeing a penny, but you've got an arse you can kiss for nothing

JaneaneGruffalo · 11/06/2012 01:28

I'd pay it and help her put them in cos I am nice.
I would not tell DH I had done it unless he directly asked me.
In other words I would not lie but I would be a bit timey wimey with the truth.