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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this inappropriate of the teacher

102 replies

sweetmoonbeam · 10/06/2012 15:48

Hi, I hope it's OK to ask as I'm genuinely interested.

My friend has a ten year old daughter who is in year 5 and the week before they broke up for school there was a little jubilee party with sandwiches and cakes (in the style of a buffet.)

Friend's DD took two of the same type of cake and her teacher shouted at her, very publicly, to put one back, there was no need for her to take two and that she was being greedy.

The girl isn't fat but she is definitely not slim either. I don't know how to describe - plump isn't accurate as she isn't plump even, but on the big side of average? Does that even make sense?

She's a lovely girl and works hard but is quiet and likes to read so has been the victim of a little bit of bullying and teasing.

My best friend is a TA at the school and isn't normally with that class but because all the juniors were out that afternoon she saw this and mentioned it to me as she knows I know the little girl through my friend.

I think it's quite horrible of the teacher (and I am a teacher myself!) but am I being a bit defensive on behalf of my friend's DD?

OP posts:
accountantsrule · 10/06/2012 16:06

I think people have been a bit cruel to you actually as you just sound a bit upset/concerned about this child.

However the TA should not be gossiping outside of school and if she spoke to you in confidence it should definitely not go any further, probably not really on here but I understand as it feels confidential on here somehow.

The teacher may have just meant to not take 2 as there are other children who want to eat them as well and yes it is a bit greedy but the fact she is slightly overweight makes it sound a bit inappropriate. An infant school child would almost certainly take more than one of the same thing if they liked it but by Y5 they should no a bit better really.

You become thick skinned on AIBU but there are many people on here who give brilliant advice which completely outweigh the other comments that upset you or may not be particularly helpful.

jamdonut · 10/06/2012 16:06

What is wrong,by the way, of telling someone that they are being greedy??
Confused

pictish · 10/06/2012 16:06

What on earth is wrong with labelling extra cake snaffling as greedy?

I can well imagine my lad trying this one on, and being told not to be so greedy! He IS greedy!!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/06/2012 16:11

I think it's greedy of her to take 2 cakes tbh, most kids would just take one. Do you let her have 2 of everything at home?

Thumbwitch · 10/06/2012 16:11

I think you are being a touch oversensitive. I think the teacher was right to tell your friend's DD to only take one, although she may have gone about it in the wrong way; but what I really don't get is why your friend the TA was even telling you about this? it's not your DD, it's actually none of your business and she shouldn't have embroiled you into the situation.

If she had a problem with the way the teacher handled it, she should have spoken to the teacher, or the year head - not you!

Are you saying that the little girl was upset by this situation, btw? Because you haven't really commented on her reaction to being told she was greedy - is she sensitive about her weight, is that why you mentioned it?

Whichever - the TA was in the wrong, the teacher could have been more diplomatic and the girl should only have taken one cake. HTH.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2012 16:12

Whatever the ins and outs of it DCs will come across this sort of thing-it is life. Your friend just needs to help her get over it and not make a big deal. I expect everyone has forgotten, if they heard in the first place.
We also don't know the tone in which it was said-that makes a huge difference.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 10/06/2012 16:14

Well she was being greedy, wasn't she? Are we not allowed tell kids that anymore? She should have known to only take one, if everyone else was....

diddl · 10/06/2012 16:16

I also think she was greedy-but I don´t think it was on for the teacher to say that.

roundtable · 10/06/2012 16:19

So the ta discussed another parent's child with you. And you as a teacher listened to it and didn't think that was a confidentiality issue?

I wouldn't put much stock in what a ta said who discussed children with whoever she wanted.

watermargin · 10/06/2012 16:19

if the teacher had said only one each, and it's an otherwise quiet and well behaved child you deal with it by saying "Name, can you put one of those cakes back please, or there won't be enough to go round? Thanks."

you do not need to shout and use the word 'greedy' - I don't think that's a pleasant word to use at all. I realise it isn't up there with "put it back you fat cow" but at the same time, it is the sort of behaviour (from a teacher) that other children absolutely delight in if the child isn't one of the 'cool' crowd.

I say that as a teacher, by the way - would I be happy if that was my DD? No.

MigratingCoconuts · 10/06/2012 16:19

taking two slices of cake is being greedy in a situation where the cake is being shared. So, no, the teacher was not inappropriate.

The TA is in telling you. What did she expect you to do with the information? If she had concerns she should talk to the teacher, herself.

Fairenuff · 10/06/2012 16:19

Is there more to this story than you have mentioned OP? It seems such a little thing to get upset about.

She's a lovely girl and works hard but is quiet and likes to read so has been the victim of a little bit of bullying and teasing

Is it your friends opinion that her dd has been bullied or teased by the teacher?

watermargin · 10/06/2012 16:20

Also I don't get the confidential arguments floating about on here. Hmm

it happened at a jubilee party involving the entire junior school, not a secluded office down SMT's corridor ...

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/06/2012 16:21

Perhaps the girl has form for being greedy and for taking more than she should at this kind of thing? A very overweight girl in DD1's year at primary school used to snatch snacks out of other childrens' hands and eat them and would take massive handfuls of food at parties etc unless she was reined in. Perhaps the teacher has tried 'gentle persuasion' with her but this girl needs firm language to get her to do as she is told regarding food?

Sarcalogos · 10/06/2012 16:24

Diddl, can you explain why you think that?

I agree a massive personal attack would be wrong, but a quick assertion that that is greedy behaviour is factual isn't it?

Buntingbunny · 10/06/2012 16:27

At PTA things I've often said "Oi one biscuit each". I've probably resorted to shouting "X, I said one biscuit",

Nothing to do with the sizes of the child and all to do with how many biscuits there are.

Sarcalogos · 10/06/2012 16:27

Water, it's a confidentiality issue because the OP was not there and has no need to know about the incident.

diddl · 10/06/2012 16:29

Well it is factual-but also surely not a nice thing to say to a 10yr old?

watermargin · 10/06/2012 16:29

Sorry, I know I'm not the person you asked :) but I'd feel really embarrassed. 'Greedy' has horrible connotations - it implies gluttony and being fat as well.

there is a difference in context - I don't do it any more because of healthy schools but I used to bring in lollipops as a treat and sometimes children would get a bit 'snatchy' and I might say "oi, greedy, wait!" with a big smile.

But to shout at an (otherwise well behaved and cooperative child who has already been the victim of a bit of bullying) - no, no, no. I think that's horrible. I normally come down on the teacher's side and while I wouldn't do anything about it, I do think it was inappropriate and unkind.

MigratingCoconuts · 10/06/2012 16:30

because watermargin, the TA's actions could be seen to be undermining the teacher's authority by passing on what she thinks happened to people (you) who have no actual connection with the child in question.

You now have a version of the events (which might not be exactly what happened), that you are, in turn, passing on....

watermargin · 10/06/2012 16:31

But by that argument, children telling their mums and dads about what happened during the day would be a confidentiality issue :)

I do see what you mean but I think it depends on how it was said and in what context, although I do also find gossipy TAs an absolute bane of my existence, I think a public "yelling" like that isn't really a confidentiality thing at all.

MigratingCoconuts · 10/06/2012 16:31

sorry, x-posting Blush

jamdonut · 10/06/2012 16:31

I am thinking it will have happened like this:

A child: Miss - X has got two cakes!

Miss: X Please put one back, that is being greedy, there won't be enough for everyone!

X puts one cake back.

Where is the trauma?

Sarcalogos · 10/06/2012 16:32

Her behaviour was greedy. It's not the same as the teacher saying 'Blimey X you're always so greedy, no wonder you're a fatty', just a short sharp 'dont take two, that's greedy'

While I would wholeheartedly agree that children shouldnt be personally attacked by their teachers, they need to be resilient enough to deal with short sharp comments when they are in the wrong I think.

Happyasapiginshite · 10/06/2012 16:33

I think it was very unprofessional of the TA to mention it to you. I'd hate to think I was being 'spied upon' by the TAs in my school and that my actions were being reported back to parents. If the TA thought the teacher was out of line, she should have spoken to her and voiced her opinion to her, not to you.

I agree with others, I don't understand the relevance of the child's size either.

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