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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my husband to STFU about being tired

120 replies

MeconiumHappens · 09/06/2012 15:12

We have a four week old baby.
My husband is driving me mad. Whilst i was in labour he was telling me he was tired. After i had the baby he was telling me how tired he was. Now, he's telling me how tired he is when im up 4 times a night breastfeeding and he's snoring away beside me. His go to response is "well you can sleep in the day", actually no, most days i cant sleep because baby likes to sleep in really small chunks of time.
AIBU to punch him, hard, in the face the next time he tells me how tired he is.
Angry

OP posts:
tara0202 · 09/06/2012 18:56

Yanbu! I also have a 4 week old baby. Also have a 3 year old (zero chance of napping in day!) And my dh is so tired he can.barely function. Eh? He's asleep every time I look over whilst bf in the night.

Maybe rationally shouldn't be playing the who is most tired game but quite clearly between me and him I am and since I can refrain from moaning to him all day about it, I think he should stfu!

Same goes for your dh in my opinion!

JoanOfNark · 09/06/2012 19:03

Right after I had my second child, my dh was just the same, always tired, and I was pissed off.
Turns out that he was seriously ill, and was soon admitted to hospital and had months of treatment.

MN'ers would have called him "a cock that deserves to be punched in the face" no doubt. Hmm

BellaOfTheBalls · 09/06/2012 19:04

Welcome to The Tiredness Olympics. So called because its a direct competition and it last four years. Grin

YANBU OP. My DH does it too. Leave the bastard

DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 19:06

Fuck me, there are some vicious, angry people posting on this thread!

How can anyone get this worked up about this?

thelennox · 09/06/2012 19:10

Perhaps they are all a little tired?!?

DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 19:11

Smile thelennox

amillionyears · 09/06/2012 19:12

suggest he goes to see the GP.Chances are he will stop complaining,but he might surprise you and go.

Wigglewoo · 09/06/2012 19:15

Hmmm. I have an underactive thyroid and pituitary tumour and I am 39 weeks pregnant. I still get up with dd every day in the early hours and walk her to school. I don't have a choice. Dh needs to work. I need to do it.

Yes some medical conditions render people unable to function without maximum sleep but for the majority of people with conditions like myself you do it if you absolutely have to.

Point being - your dh is being unreasonable. Unless he is literally dying then he is capable of sharing the load without moaning esp as you are getting up 4 times a night and he is not.

Safmellow · 09/06/2012 19:19

Ha you would be unreasonable to actually punch him but you are not unreasonable to be pissed off. I remember that phase, just about hallucinating with exhaustion, hot and cold sweats, the feeling of wanting to either burst into tears or actually kill someone...

The best tips I can give you are just to ignore him (or join in with some serious moaning of your own), don't clock watch as realising you have only had 40 minutes sleep that night really does make you feel worse, and keep repeating 'this is just a phase, it will pass' over and over. If you are BF you might want to consider co-sleeping? Again this is a controversial choice but it saved my sanity. Hope you get some sleep soon!

Acumenoop · 09/06/2012 19:20

I think maybe these responsesthe anger and unhappinessmight help you think about how to handle this. You'll see this fight playing out a lot on mumsnet, and I think it can really muck up relationships, which is why people have a "position" on it at all.

I am chronically exhausted and so is my DP, because we have to turn him over every 2 hours night and day and have done for years and years. I'm always tired, he's always tired. Always! We could battle each other for who is the most tired, and objectively he would probably always win, because although he gets more sleep than I do (I can turn him while he sleeps), he's quadriplegic and in constant agony with tethered spine, which is immensely tiring in itself. So he would always 'win' if we competed, but instead we try for kindness and i am bloody glad that someone has space to be kind to me, and it helps me be kind to him, do you see? It helps. It makes everything more possible.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/06/2012 19:22

YANBU

I'd kill him. Infact if you were to do something so drastic I reckon a jury made up solely of exhausted new mums would aquit you on the spot!

AThingInYourLife · 09/06/2012 19:22

In all seriousness though - this level of tiredness is not normal.

If he sees you struggling so much with broken sleep and still feels so tired that he needs to moan about it constantly to you, he could well have some kind of medical problem.

Bluegrass · 09/06/2012 19:24

Agree that there are some scarily violent sounding people on this thread (the comment about ripping a larger hole in his penis painted a particularly charming image of sexual violence!).

Tiredness is a subjective experience and in a loving relationship everyone should be allowed a bit of a whinge (I bet the OP does too). Some of you just sound unhinged.

OP, in my opinion the correct response is "me too, but it won't last forever. Let's crack open the wine".

amieis · 09/06/2012 19:25

When I was in labour with dd my contractions started at 3 minutes apart and continued to be like that for four days until I finally had dd at 3pm... Oh slept through it all, where needless to say I had NO sleep for 4 days! He got pissy with me for asking him to drive me to the hospital at 4am because he was too tired!I was so exhausted by the time I was finally admitted to hospital that I was hysteRical and had to be pretty much sedated! Dd is now 4 months, he has NEVER got up during the night with her and only works 3 afternoons a week, yet he is always exhausted and moans about it perpetually... I have to sit back and be sympathetic to him even though I am never allowed to say I'm tired!
He always says sleep when she's asleep, but in the early days we were living with his m+d and his mother would NOT allow me to sleep! 2 days after giving birth and having to go to theatre for stitches, I was told by his mother that I had to cook them all dinner as they were all too busy to do it.... So yeah really easy to sleep!!!!!
I think that sometimes they just don't appreciate how tiring and physically draining on a womans body being a mother is, esp if you breastfeed!!!!

Roseformeplease · 09/06/2012 19:32

My husband slept in my hospital bed while I was in labour, and afterwards, while I nodded off in the chair. The nurses didn't really approve but I didn't mind (actually found it funny that he was so starved of sleep) as we were both exhausted but he couldn't breast feed and was off back to work. Be kind to each other and accept that everyone is knackered and him being tired doesn't in any way take away from how tired you are. Men don't have the hormones helping them nod off again after a night feed and really struggle sometimes to cope. I actually never slept better than when my children were tiny, it was just in very short bursts. My husband felt constantly disturbed while I took it all in my stride far more. Hormones?? Don't know....

DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 19:34

Agree bluegrass if this was a forum of men posting about subjecting their female partners to a similar level of violence over something so trivial, people would be spitting feathers.

TiggyD · 09/06/2012 19:35

So because you are very tired it's not physically possible for him to be tired?

Rindercella · 09/06/2012 19:36

5fingered, I would be horrified if I saw a man posting, "she's a cunt who deserves to be punched in the face" about someone's wife on a forum (or anywhere for that matter). I find what you have said to be totally obnoxious and unacceptable. A man has complained a few times to his wife that he is tired. Nothing more than that. Why are you so angry?

AThingInYourLife · 09/06/2012 19:37

" I have to sit back and be sympathetic to him even though I am never allowed to say I'm tired!"

No. You really don't.

He sounds like a twat, PS

Rindercella · 09/06/2012 19:38

Xposted. Thank God I am not the only one to find this attitude abhorrent.

Turniphead1 · 09/06/2012 19:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ComposHat · 09/06/2012 20:12

I am not saying it is the same.

I am saying both the op and her husband can legitimately lay a claim to being tired.

It is the sole preserve of neither.

Shushshessleeping · 09/06/2012 20:28

My DH and I actually banned each other from the phrase " I'm so tired" as it just ended up in a competition and resentment each time. We just assume that we are each tired and take it turns to do weekend lie ins. we are both full time workers now DS is 9 months.

OhNoMyFanjo · 09/06/2012 21:28

But tge op is about him moaning about how tired he is and how it's harder for him as he believes she could get sleep in tge day, do he is making it a competition.

DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 21:30

Straw man argument OhNo.

No sign of OP saying her OP says it's harder for him because she can sleep during the day!