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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel this way about DP staying out for the night

434 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:09

i kinda think i'm being a bit silly here but not sure... i'll try and be concise.
our DD is 5 months old and a bottle refuser, meaning i am unable to go anywhere or do anything at the moment. i have completely accepted this to be the case and i don't mind too much, i can live with not being able to go out for a while.

DP works shifts, pretty much always late ones. he knew he was getting off a bit early tonight so was going to meet up with some friends (mostly girls) for a few drinks. fine by me, no problem at all. he doesn't go out often so i'm ok with this.

however, i get a text not long ago saying he is now going to his friends house, so i call him and ask how he's getting back as its not on the right bus route. he says he might get a taxi or might stay on their couch, he's not sure. i must have sounded disappointed as he said i sounded miserable. i always seem to feel sad and anxious if he stays out and i feel that, being a father now, he should be responsible and come home.

i am slightly concerned as he was only saying the other day that he wants more excitement in his life and is a bit bored at the mo as he feels like all he does is work and doesn't get much time to see his friends any more. i explained that we have a young baby and that's generally what happens for a while.... i don't want him to feel like he cant go anywhere but i really would prefer him to come home tonight rather than tomorrow. AIBU?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 01:21

sooty, she has made it clear he is drinking heavily

before she went to bed to prepare herself for being up several times in the night she rather wearily said there was no point in discussing this with a drunk man

NovackNGood · 09/06/2012 01:22

Some woman's sofa. Does that mean that her OH can`t have a female friend?

NovackNGood · 09/06/2012 01:23

AF so what if he is drunk. He is out having a night off after a week working and he has no need to be at home. Why should he sit at home being bored when he can be out having some fun once in a while?

AnAirOfHope · 09/06/2012 01:23

depends if he is putting this female friend above the needs and wishes of his wife and child.

louderthanbombs · 09/06/2012 01:23

You know, it makes me sad that a lot of people think its ok. Maybe in a year or two, when both parents can have some free time, but surely not now

BabylannShallFall · 09/06/2012 01:24

I think some of you are overlooking the fact that she doesn't have a problem with her OH going out and letting off some steam - so telling her she is being unreasonable for not wanting him to go out is missing the point. She said she was fine with him going out, she was even fine with the fact that other women were involved.

She has a problem with him sleeping on someone elses settee, when he could have come home to a comfortable bed with his partner and mother to his child. She is concerned that there are issues there, because he mentioned he was struggling with parenthood. She worries maybe he is trying to recapture freedom.

Of course she is not unreasonable for being concerned and uncomfortable with it. Missing the point and telling her that everyone deserves a break isn't responding to her OP, whether sympathetic or not. She was happy with him having a break. She doesn't understand why it has to be an overnight thing.

On a few occasions since DD was born, DP and I have been out separately at evenings, but I've never had any great desire to sleep on someone elses settee instead of coming home to a comfortable bed. If I did, I would expect DP to be quite concerned as the necessity to sleep on uncomfortable items of furniture purely for the opportunity to spend a hungover half an hour in the presence of friends while you wait for taxis in the morning is something most people outgrow when they stop being teenagers.

So it makes sense for the OP to be a bit confused and concerned, and to want reassurance that she's not crazy for feeling that way.

AnAirOfHope · 09/06/2012 01:26

why would he be bored with his partner? can he not drink at home and sleep on his own sofa! He might even have sex with his wife Shock

AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 01:26

my DH has many female friends but would never dream of choosing to sleep on their sofa before coming home to his wife and baby

these are work colleagues here though, younger than him, and in OP's words "promiscuous" Hmm

at best, this family man is hankering after a single life he doesn't actually possess any more

it's rather pathetic on his part, and pretty sad for OP that she is questioning herself here

ravenAK · 09/06/2012 01:26

Is there something intrinsically wrong with one parent of a small baby being out on the lash?

Because I just can't see it - dh was offered a rather fabulous gig when dd2 was a few weeks old, & I was Not Happy that the timing meant I couldn't go too, but it would never have occurred to me that dh shouldn't accept the booking. The dc & I were fine.

The only difference between that & the few days I had at a festival last summer on my own (again, dh & dc were fine), is that with a bf baby, sod's law is that it's the mother that is restricted. For me & dh, that always meant I had first dibs on any going out privileges once it was feasible again.

If it's 'going out when your partner isn't happy about it' that is the issue then obviously that needs to be discussed, & OP has every right not to be happy about a slurred phone call from the pub basically presenting her with a fait accompli, but I don't agree that being a new father is automatically incompatible with being out for the night.

NovackNGood · 09/06/2012 01:28

What does it matter if he snoozes on someone's sofa? If the OP has no problem with him being our for a drink and has no trust issue then what does it matter if he catches 40 winks somewhere else. She should enjoy not having smelly beer farts next to her for the night and not over read into it.

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2012 01:29

Nothing in the OP says he's putting his female friend above the love he has for his DP and their baby AnAir.

There are a few women at the place he's staying? Shock it's not inevitable that you have sex with other people when you stay out, or not love and be faithful to your DP if you have a night out/off.

If a night out is you thing, it's nice to be just an adult with other adults sometimes.

That doesn't mean he's being abusive or controlling.

fortyplus · 09/06/2012 01:30

I certainly wouldn't have accepted dh staying out overnight without prior notice. However, calling someone's dh a 'selfish twat' and telling them that they're a walkover is totally uncalled for and amounts to bullying behaviour in my opinion. Of course if you enjoy reading such material you could always go off and search for a few other threads Wink

AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 01:33

it matters he chooses someone else's sofa because he is going to be tired and hungover the next day when OP may desperately need just an hour to herself

I wonder how many times she has been awoken by a hungry bf baby already while we have been arguing among ourselves ?

does nobody remember the bone crushing tiredness of it all ?

the thought of him taking his time to get home tomorrow after his fancy-free single-lads night out would have had me reaching for the carving knife, or the anti-depressants at this stage of the baby nightmare

some short memories here ?

MaisyMooCow · 09/06/2012 01:34

The OP isn't bothered that he was out, but at what point in the evening was he actually going to let her know he wasn't coming home?

SchrodingersMew · 09/06/2012 01:35

Has the OP actually said he is sleeping on a females sofa? I was sure she just said that there were lots of females on the night out. Confused

I can see why OP would be upset, I would be too in the same situation but she has said he works hard, rarely goes out and is struggling with parenting so is it not better he get a one night out out of his system? If it was something that happened a lot that would be a big problem but as a one off he will probably come back in the morning, hungover and happy to see his family and what he missed. It may just be what he needs to get over his feeling down.

BabylannShallFall · 09/06/2012 01:35

It matters where he sleeps because no matter how hard I think about it, I can't picture a scenario where sleeping on someone elses sofa is preferable to sleeping in my bed, with my amazing DP cuddling me and my beautiful DD's innocent snoring on the baby monitor. That is because I prefer being at home to sleeping in scrunched up, uncomfortable positions on sofas of people I like enough but am not in love with.

So, if the OP has a mind which asks questions and wants answers, she is also going to be wondering what has possessed a father and a lover to prefer an uncomfortable nights sleep in a strangers house over coming home to her and their child.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 01:36

I think other posters have better things to do with their time, fortypus Wink

AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 01:37

plus

genuine typo Grin

on that note, I''m off to bed

gotta get my beauty sleep, I have a quota to keep up tomorrow

SchrodingersMew · 09/06/2012 01:37

Sorry, actually I do think he should have let you know prior though, that would cause arguments.

fortyplus · 09/06/2012 01:38

I just took a look at 'threads I'm on' and the grand total is errrr... one... I'm feeling inadequate now Wink

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2012 01:38

He wouldn't be in any state to look after a baby if he's been on a night out drinking.

NovackNGood · 09/06/2012 01:39

It never fails to surprise me just how controlling of their husbands/boyfriends behavior so many people on here are. He's an adult he can go out when he pleases and so can she provided one is at home what does it matter. As for the what if he had to go to A and E type posters. He can get a taxi there easy enough if he head to and it's the doctors at A and E who need to be sober not him. But I bet the adrenalin would soon help to sober him up if he got a call like that.

fortyplus · 09/06/2012 01:39
Grin

Night night AnyPucker

SchrodingersMew · 09/06/2012 01:40

FortyPlus I have 13 discussions in "threads I'm on" and have managed to go out to a friends birthday for a couple of hours tonight and spend all day with DS, including being out with him. It is possible to use MN on a phone or Ipad and still have a life.

AnAirOfHope · 09/06/2012 01:41

I think its sad that the father doesnt want to be at home with his new baby.

I think its sad that he feels he needs to get drunk.

Its sad that he does not have the moral fiber to go out have fun have a drink and a chat and then go home sober.

Its sad that people think such disrespect and lack of support is ok :(