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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel this way about DP staying out for the night

434 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:09

i kinda think i'm being a bit silly here but not sure... i'll try and be concise.
our DD is 5 months old and a bottle refuser, meaning i am unable to go anywhere or do anything at the moment. i have completely accepted this to be the case and i don't mind too much, i can live with not being able to go out for a while.

DP works shifts, pretty much always late ones. he knew he was getting off a bit early tonight so was going to meet up with some friends (mostly girls) for a few drinks. fine by me, no problem at all. he doesn't go out often so i'm ok with this.

however, i get a text not long ago saying he is now going to his friends house, so i call him and ask how he's getting back as its not on the right bus route. he says he might get a taxi or might stay on their couch, he's not sure. i must have sounded disappointed as he said i sounded miserable. i always seem to feel sad and anxious if he stays out and i feel that, being a father now, he should be responsible and come home.

i am slightly concerned as he was only saying the other day that he wants more excitement in his life and is a bit bored at the mo as he feels like all he does is work and doesn't get much time to see his friends any more. i explained that we have a young baby and that's generally what happens for a while.... i don't want him to feel like he cant go anywhere but i really would prefer him to come home tonight rather than tomorrow. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ishoes · 09/06/2012 09:04

What a load of shit posted on this thread-too many posters more concerned with having a dig than actually supporting the op.

Af has it spot on-this is not the way for a grown man with responsibilities to behave-not in my book anyway. Does that make me a nag or a harridan?-if so whooping fucking do!!

manicbmc · 09/06/2012 09:09

What ishoes said.

I'd rather be a nag than a doormat.

stuffitunderthebed · 09/06/2012 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2012 09:10

Ishoes, if I had testicles I'd be wearing them as earrings after that post Grin

No, you have it spot on.

NurseBernard · 09/06/2012 09:15

Jaysus...

The idea of someone who's exclusively breastfeeding and doing ALL the feeds and ALL the night time wake-ups - getting no break, ever, - making allowances for the other partner 'struggling' with parenthood boils my brain. Confused

I actually can't articulate quite how angry it makes me to think some man is making this all about how hard it is on him..

Basically, everything AF said with bells on.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 09/06/2012 09:15

Eh, unless he would have cracked it in the reverse scenario (you out with mainly male mates etc) I wouldn't get too distressed as you said you trust him.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2012 09:16

When DD was that age I felt like I couldn't manage on my own, it got easier with time (sort of, she is a challenge) and now Dh and I might go out loads, but at the time he didn't so much, because he was there for me and he cared how I felt (looking bad I had terrible PND)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2012 09:17

He sounds at the least insensitive

doggiemumma · 09/06/2012 09:22

Do you lot have children to get up to? Have you stumbled upon some sort of elixir that allows you to be up all night arguing and still be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning? what time did this thread trundle on to?

Anyway - my perspective, having only read the first few posts from the OP.

  1. It is perfectly ok for either partner to go out on the lash and not come home til the next day IF it has been agreed fairly early on (preferably before the evening - "it might be a late one so i might kip on x's sofa, is that OK?)
  1. It is NOT ok to do this when one partner is unable to go out AT ALL because there is a demanding baby for example. So that partner will already be tired and a little strung out. Would probably like the company of her partner to help out and generally chat to.

The OPs DH has been totally disrespectful and I am stunned if anyone has actually told her to "suck it up". It very much sounds like "well you had a baby dear, now you have to look after it" Hmm no, they BOTH have a baby.

He doesnt feel his life is exciting anymore - awww, poor wee lamb - welcome to the real world! Wanker

NurseBernard · 09/06/2012 09:25

Doggie - the world doesn't start and end in Little England, you know... Wink

I've just had dinner and cracked open the Wine Very much agree with your wider points, though.

pictish · 09/06/2012 09:27

I think AF is great. I agree with her often.

But on this one...I'm with Worra.

The guy is allowed a night out on the ran dan for fuck's sake. The OP says it's a one off, and their relationship is generally good. There is no need for the bitter spittle to start flying at this guy at all.

I'm a social creature, and would think nothing of deciding to stay out all night with my mates. I would let dh know, and dh would mind not a jot.

I am not selfish, irresponible, uncaring or taking the piss out of my dh by doing that. I might have a night out like that once...or even twice a year. So chuffing what?

I do sympathise with the OP too. It can feel isolating and lonely being stuck in with baby. She's not wrong to feel put out...a bit bereft. It can get like that.

But no way is this worth re-evaluating a marriage over. Nothing like it.

AF - too much. Way way too much.

TheSecondComing · 09/06/2012 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NurseBernard · 09/06/2012 09:31

The thins is, as an exclusively breastfeeder, you're 'lonely and stuck in with a baby' like an absolute bitch. There's nothing like it. Certainly nothing like the DP is experiencing...

With all due respect, I don't think you quite get it, pictish. And I say this as someone who is one half of a devilishly sociable couple. Wink I cannot imagine my DH trying something like this on for a second...

doggiemumma · 09/06/2012 09:31

nurse im not judging im jealous Grin

pictish · 09/06/2012 09:32

What don't I get? Confused

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2012 09:33

pictish - the point is, IMO, you say your DP wouldn't mind at all if you stayed out all night, the OP DOES mind if her DP does..that is quite a crucial difference, the difference between doing something that doesn't cause any upset and doing something which distresses your partner.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2012 09:34

no elixir here BTW, Doggie, i was up with DD and saw AF getting attacked, then couldnt get back to sleep because I am sick with a fluey cold, so definitely not bright eyed and bushy tailed here.

Pochemuchka · 09/06/2012 09:36

Clearly coming to this a bit late but thought I'd add my 10 penneth.
I think nights out are fine. Staying out is fine. But I think everything needs to be agreed beforehand when you have a family.
No springing it on the other person as it's about expectation, respect and trust.
Respect your partner enough to give them the right expectation about what is going to happen. Stick to what you've agreed and trust will be a given.

doggiemumma · 09/06/2012 09:36

pictish - i would agree, but, he is being totally inconsiderate - his partner can't even go out for a few hours (i bet he isn't that helpful in trying to get the baby to accept the bottle either!) so he should show a bit of solidarity and stay home with her too. Its not like this was a special occasion, it was drinks after work. He gets to go out to work and socialise, the OP is at home with the baby, where she wants to be im sure, but that doesn't make it any less isolating and i remember craving my DP's company and would get antsi if he was late home from work because id be climbing the walls for a bit of adult company and a cuddle. This waster didn't even go home from work Hmm He then has the audacity to moan about the lack of excitement in his life. Twat

Pochemuchka · 09/06/2012 09:38

Oh and everything should be agreed and equal - so what's good for one partner is for the other too!

pictish · 09/06/2012 09:38

Well this is where the difficulty comes in, because I think it is unreasonable to expect to put the kybosh on a rare night out.
Her not liking it doesn't automatically equal "thy will be done" does it?
It's give and take.

NurseBernard · 09/06/2012 09:39

doggie Grin

pictish - your comment 'it can feel isolating and lonely being stuck in with baby' was just very revealing.

Did you exclusively breastfeed for any length of time? Perhaps you did, and were OK with being the sole feeder and comforter day and night (after night), for months on end while your DH's life (and sleep) carried on relatively (to you, at least) unaffected...

But clearly it's not quite like that for the OP.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2012 09:39

maybe, later on, but its early days with her baby and she is obviously finding it difficult, he could still go out but not stay out all night.

pictish · 09/06/2012 09:43

The best nights out are often the impromptu ones that end up flowing.
You don't always know you're going to want to stay out.

AF thinks he should want to go home. When I'm out, I want to stay out!!

Recent example - went on a mum's night out for dinner and drinks and ended up elsewhere dancing round someone's living room till 5 am. I had anticipated a fairly beige (but pleasant) night out and home for midnight. It didn't turn out that way.
How could I have agreed it with my husband beforehand?

pictish · 09/06/2012 09:43

Nurse - how so?

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