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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call back MIL & let her know i heard her...wwyd

171 replies

VIX1980 · 08/06/2012 18:09

Dp just called to let me know he had gone to his mums on his way home from work, i asked him to pick up a lamp id borrowed her last year (and have been asking for back ever since), that was that, said goodbye and then asked him if he was having his tea there or not, he obviously didnt answer as he thought he had hung up so i shouted it again.

i heard him asking his mum if she had my lamp, she said she didnt know/thinks it might of got broken or borrowed to someone else (its not a cheap lamp, and shes never mentioned any of this to me), then she asks him if the house is ready for the baby yet (shes here every weekend so only saw it herself on saturday just gone), I then hear her saying they should google how to prepare your house for a new baby - for the nxt 5 mins i heard her basically slagging me off from everything to cleaning, decorating, tidying etc, How i shouldnt plan on breastfeeding as its selfish and wont give her or anyone else a chance to bond with the baby, how she is planning on being at our house when i come home (she apparently couldnt handle coming to the hospital Confused ). Then she went on to say that although my mum had been good buying our pram etc she wasnt much use around the house doing cleaning or cooking so she would come round every day to help out. i hung up then cos i was close to tears.

for what its worth shes a smoker/drinker cooks everything like its a challenge to use as much oil as possible, cleans with a ciggie in 1 hand and a bottle of bleach in the other, she helped out doing the washing recently after just bleaching the kitchen floor, needless to say she declined to use the washing basket instead threw everything onto freshly washed floor so all my clothes were ruined with bleach marks, then just laughs when i went mental and had nothing to wear.

im 39 weeks pregnant, on crutches for severe spd, up until last wk i was ok and even decorated the living room, wallpaper and painted, dont the hall downstairs and painted the stair skirtings so ive not been sat on my arse either, only finished work 3 weeks ago too, I dont know if im being over sensitive, i think shes out of order, we arent the closest of people but i respect her, shes my dp's mum and it really hurts to know what she really thinks of me, wwyd.

OP posts:
IKilledIgglePiggle · 08/06/2012 19:41

Good text. I'm so very lucky with my MIL, she sticks up for me over DH and has never interfered in 12 years.......she loves my DCs and they love her.

I am loving the image of her cleaning with fag hanging out of what I assume is a massive gob though.

BehindLockNumberNine · 08/06/2012 19:42

Flipping hell, she sounds awful. I hope your dh is standing up to her right now.

(and there is absolutely no way she would be waiting for me when I came home with the baby, I would never want to see her again...)

NormaStanleyFletcher · 08/06/2012 19:44

Lurking for the outcome here...

KateBeckett · 08/06/2012 19:45

Oh my god what a cow!!! Hope you re okay op, if my DP let his mum talk about me like that he would be up shit street for quite some time...

LindyHemming · 08/06/2012 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 08/06/2012 19:49

I´d be using as a reason to never see MIL again...Blush

Sarcalogos · 08/06/2012 19:53

Angry for you, hope you're ok!

ToryLovell · 08/06/2012 20:00

Like didl that would be enough for me to cut contact. DH would not stand for that and would have been having stern words with her

CiderwithBuda · 08/06/2012 20:00

Well I think she has done you a favor. You know EXACTLY what she is like and what she thinks of you. Give you the perfect reason (and it is a reason and not an excuse) to lay down your ground rules from here on.

She will come to the house after you come home with the baby if and when she is invited and not before.

You tell DH you cannot believe she would think it is more important that she bonds with the baby rather than the baby get the best possible start in life.

What a cow!

Oppsididitagain · 08/06/2012 20:01

Firstly I feel for you SPD is a bitch my pelvis is nearly back to normal now ds2 is 12 wks old. So it will improve

YANBU mil and dh have been compleately twatting gits unthoughtfull. If this happened to me I would make dh politly remind her she's a grandparent not a parent and tell her to back off

VIX1980 · 08/06/2012 20:01

Im fine thanks for all your concern and messages, i didnt get a reply to the text, he just came home a while later holding my lamp (err the 1 that was supposedly broken??). had words and he asked how much i heard, i said its not the point and that whatever she has said about me hurts nowhere near the fact that you hardly stood up for me.

hes being very sheepish now so i also told him under no circumstances is she to be in my house when i return from the hospital - he gets this and didnt even argue, as for the cleaning etc hes doing it tomorrow and said if id carried on listening to them i would of heard him saying how i could barely walk etc so he was waiting til the weekend to start cleaning up and looking after me. for a minute i thought he was about to say she was coming to help us clean the house, god knows why she even thought of googling such a thing. shes very attention seeking so probably thought shs win points with him pointing out where i was going wrong!

as for her, he said she was really upset when he left, he told her id heard everything she had said and she was really sorry - see this, this is me playing the worlds tiniest violin in sympathy for her! i dont want to see or speak to her for quite a long while, what a stupid thing to have done when her 1st grandchilds on the way in a couple of weeks. Hes in the doghouse and making the tea as we speak, she - i couldnt give a fuck what shes feeling to be honest, its about time she cut the apron strings and realised her son is a grown man, instead of trying to constantly score points against me - which i now see she was doing, he likes cream in his coffee, she never knew this until we were shopping once and i bought some and she asked what for, now she always buys cream even though he rarely goes to visit its usually they come to us as its easier with their car, sorry gone off on a tangent there!

sorry still really pissed off right now with the pair of them.

OP posts:
VIX1980 · 08/06/2012 20:04

I cant even imagine my family talking about dp like that, he gets on really well with them all, i thought i didn with his too, i so wish his aunty was his mum, she is absolutely the lovliest woman ive ever met, doesnt take any messing but looks out for you and is so genuine!

queen i love your story too Smile

OP posts:
WhosPickleisThatOnion · 08/06/2012 20:04

She's probably shitting her pants now with the baby on the way.

I'd let her have a good think about herself and enjoy some deserved rest while your husband cleans!

Last thing you need, what a silly bint.

Sarcalogos · 08/06/2012 20:07

Well done Vix, now enjoy the moral high ground for the next ten years

NoOnesGoingToEatYourJubileeyes · 08/06/2012 20:07

Hope that now you have sent the text your DH has spoken to her about her behaviour (and comes home with your lamp).

EarthInBeautyDressed · 08/06/2012 20:08

Stand firm VIX, you hold the upper hand and can set your boundaries to suit.

She will have to accept that it's your house, your baby and your rules. She has been disrespectful to you and your mum. She needs to learn some manners.

You deserve an apology for her outpourings.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2012 20:09

Good for you VIX. Let us know how long she behaves for... Grin

EarthInBeautyDressed · 08/06/2012 20:09

Oops, x-post, my pathetically slow typing strikes again... Blush

MsPaperbackWriter · 08/06/2012 20:17

Glad to hear you stood your ground op. Take this incident and use it against her and use it as the beginning of a shift in your relationship - stand up to her always and if she knows she is in the shit now and that you are really fucking angry she is less likely to do stuff like this again

Your partner is well out of order for not telling her straightaway that she does not get to talk about you like that. Her stupid reasoning for you not breastfeeding too - if you want to bf, do so, it's great for the baby and a great way to ensure she doesn't get to feed them or hold them much as you will be feeding and holding baby so much.
Lay down the law now, absoloutely DO NOTt give in and let her be there when you come back from hospital, be cool and distant with her, let your disgust at her ramblings show in your face and 'punish' her by making all the decisions. Tell your partner to grow a pair of bloody balls too and tell him to NEVER let her speak about you like that again.

Let us know how you get on!

Trioofprinces · 08/06/2012 20:19

Glad she's feeling shit, frankly she deserves to. Glad you're ok, don't do what I do and start off really annoyed then eventually end up saying all's ok even when inside I know it isn't, I.e. don't let them off the hook too easily.

Take care, hope the spd calms. I only had it mildly most of the time but a few days of not being able to walk we're absolute agony.

diddl · 08/06/2012 20:27

Of course she was upset-she´d been found out.

Otherwise she wouldn´t give a flying fuck.

Hope husband is feeling shit as well that he didn´t just walk away.

No bfeeding so that she can bond., let´s google how to prepare a house for a baby??!! WTAF

fedupofnamechanging · 08/06/2012 20:44

The only thing she is upset about, is getting caught. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been bitching in the first place.

This is good really - it's given you an opportunity to tell your dh what you want (her not being there when you get home from hospital), so there can be no misunderstanding later. I hope it is very clear to him that he should be worrying about making you happy when you're about to/just had a baby.

I would keep my relationship cool and civil - polite, but not friendly iyswim. I'd not stop her from forming a close relationship with my child, but it would be on my terms (no just turning up, no criticising me behind my back, no interfering in how the baby is raised).

HecateTrivia · 08/06/2012 20:52

I agree. "Sorry" is often short for "Sorry that I got caught because now it's going to bite me on the arse"

maddening · 08/06/2012 20:57

well done! I really hope she feels bad!

Now start googling extended bfeeding! ;-)

bochead · 08/06/2012 21:06

Agree she's sorry she got caught out. She's nailed her colours to the mast, now it's your turn.

Emotionally you are too vunerable after giving birth to have anyone who you don't feel has your best interests at heart around.

She'd be invited for a 30 min visit on the 41st day after the birth & not a second before. She'd be expected to have a humble and respectful attitutude too, or that would be her final visit to my home. I'd make it clear to my partner that it was only due to my great love for him, that she was being invited at all.

Ultimately I'm the forgiving type so I would take lots of pics to give her a few months after that when this incident had become water under the bridge. I couldn't punish her forever but I could and would make my point iykwim.