to ask for some advice on tact and etiquette from fellow mnetters re dd's christening

[BalloonTwister]

I am not the most tactful person, so this is what I'd like to say in a nutshell, can you lot help me rephrase it into something less offensive so I know what to say if anyone asks what dd would like as a christening gift please?

"I'm not expecting you to buy her anything, I just want you to share the day. She is fed and clothed, and has lots of toys. Rather than spend your hard earned cash on a load of silver plated souvenirs, stick a couple of quid in her trust fund for when she's old enough to choose something herself."

The above is of course both rude and entitled, and sounds extremely grabby, which I am really not. I am not expecting presents, but my dm assures me that people will buy them, so, how can I diplomatically ask people to put into a trust fund rather than buy traditional gifts, (if they wish to that is) without resorting to poems and making anyone feel they are expected to?

The boys got one bible each and a million money boxes. Oh and DS2 got a mother of pearl teething thing that came with a note saying not to give to DS2 as it could be dangerous if he put it in his mouth. Still haven't worked out how it was meant to help with teething.

Norks, yes, I got that, thanks. I was joking and thought my last sentence, with the wink at the end of it, would have given that away .

But obviously not.

Hexagonal maybe I am just not cynical enough but is it possible that sometimes people just want to see lots of family and friends and their family and friends want to get together and admire the lovely baby? Could it be that? But then I am a soft twat who believes people still marry because they love each other and want to commit to spending their lives together rather than because they want a load of tat from John Lewis.

Maybe I am stung because we had lots of people come to our DD's first b-day party, but only because we wanted a lovely day and it was a chance to chill out in the garden with lots of wine. I'd no idea anyone would think we were in it for copies of The Gruffalo.

Hmm, I do sort of see what you mean Penelope; I think I have actually known some very grasping people over the years tbh. We once got invited to a one year-old's 'party' which was basically people sitting around on chairs and the floor in a filthy sitting room that hadn't even been hoovered for the occasion, drinking cups of orange squash. And that was it. No games for the kids (my 2 oldest were 7 and 2 at the time IIRC). 'Party tea' was a few bowls of wotsits and kettle chips. It was dire. That is the sort of party that is just held to get presents IMO.

I agree some people are grasping. But I wonder if there are multiple types of seemingly grasping/controlling behaviour going on here.

We are comfortably off (that makes me sound like a total twat not just a soft one - sorry). Like the OP we can afford anything our DD might want so for us and most of our friends present management is the greatest etiquette dilemma of our era. A generation or two ago a pop-up toaster would have seemed like a pretty awesome wedding present. When our last toaster broke DH looked up how to fix it and then for the same cost as the part replaced it with one that cost £5.99 in Wilkos.

And because stuff is just generally so cheap the specifics start to matter much more. What the OP is describing is not wanting people to buy her presents, not at all. Just not wanting to be swamped with stuff she does not specifically want. Since people have more money and are more likely to buy gifts now than in the past she is more likely to get the silver keepsake boxes and photo frames she does not need. How is she to exert any control over this?

The other problem is what to do if you want stuff you have not got? There are still plenty of young couples starting married life without much and plenty of young parents for whom a christening gift of £20 would be much more handy than an illustrated bible or a photo frame. So how do you subtly drop hints about this?

They are subtly different etiquette problems. The OP's situation is easy to solve. She says nothing unless asked and then says no gifts or donation to a charity or favourite book if it is raised. And she accepts everything she is given graciously because too many keepsake boxes is not the kind of thing you should be losing sleep over.

The second problem is much harder because I have quite a lot of sympathy for couples in that situation.

We had those sort of problems with our wedding. We didn't need house stuff so a John Lewis list was pointless, I posted on MN about asking for charity donations and was told that lots of people don't want to be told what charity to give money too. So we said nothing and then got about £300. Which has gone in the bank to help towards taking the DCs to Florida.

It seems like you can't win either way. You're grabby if there is a gift list but then by saying nothing you end up with stuff anyway.

I don't think it is grabby to just say nothing.

I do think it is grabby for people to ask for money towards a holiday. If someone wants a big holiday they should skip the extravagent wedding then they would have plenty of money left for several holidays! The wedding we have been invited to is probably costing in excess of 20k yet they're asking for honeymoon donations! We love holidays and so we had a tiny wedding but a great holiday afterwards that we paid for ourself. We certainly didn't expect everyone else to pay for it.

I'm fed up with people wanting to keep up with the Joneses and expecting everyone else to pick up the tab for their extravagence!

Notnow - I recently went to a christening and I put a little silver keepsake cross in the card, but also emailed the couple a £15 amazon voucher. I haves baby and often at the christening stage you are still working through the gifts from the birth, so this way they could put it towards/buy something the baby really needs, or choose a book or something. I also remember that this couple got their nappies from amazon so they could even put it towards this if they really wanted.

Thanks for the idea - very helpful. I have a bevy of equally clueless brothers and sisters also invited to the same christening so will be spreading the ideas between us.

PenelopePipPop and MsVestibule...I think I love you!

Fwiw, my Dm has 9 siblings. They all have partners, and children, and most of those have children, all of whom I see regularly and love dearly. DP's father also has a large family, and DD is the first grandchild on his side.

We waited a long long time for DD, and to be honest there were many bleak times when we thought we'd never have a child of our own, so I think people were even more pleased for us than usual when she made an appearance. Both our families were immensely supportive, and put up with my longing looks at their babies, let me take their kids to the zoo etc for years, they were all over the moon when I eventually fell pregnant! How then could i not include our entire family in her Baptism?

I've invited lots of people because they are family and they all love her, and I know they'd like to share her day not to rinse a few quid out of them! I feel quite sad that so many of you have jumped to judge me without actually knowing me, and often without actually reading the whole OP. :(

As for the poster who asked, my motive was, purely and simply, that she has plenty of clothes and toys, and a family bible, and a money box already. I only have a small house, and rather than but gifts that she is too young to want/doesn't need just for the sake of buying something, surely it would be more sensible to put it in a high interest account towards a car/house deposit/university for when she's older, or alternatively, another poster suggested that we could ask for a donation to charity instead, which I also thought was quite a nice idea, since at this point in her life she has everything she needs and plenty of other children are far worse off.

However, all of the above was only ever going to be mentioned if, and ONLY if, someone were to ask me if there was anything she would like as a christening gift, face to face, in a conversation like manner. As it happens, one of my her aunties sent a text asking exactly that this morning. I replied "What she would like best is a big cuddle from Auntie X, and maybe a matching kiss from uncle X. See you at the christening, love Balloon."

MsV so sorry, I didn't get that, apologies for misunderstanding

I think your kiss and cuddle answer is lovely!

And I do think you can get away with being a heck of a lot more specific in a conversation with close family/friends (who will know you, and understand where you're coming from, and not get sidetracked by "grabbiness" issues that they would probably never ascribe to you in the first place) than in any general "instruction" on an invitation (where, as you can see by answers to this thread, it can all too easily strike exactly the wrong note).

Thank you Edith. I would never have dreamed of putting anything into the invitations, but I've been asked again today, and I'm sticking firmly to the no gifts, just share the day type reply, just in case I inadvertantly offend anyone else! :)