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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for some advice on tact and etiquette from fellow mnetters re dd's christening

88 replies

BalloonTwister · 08/06/2012 17:24

I am not the most tactful person, so this is what I'd like to say in a nutshell, can you lot help me rephrase it into something less offensive so I know what to say if anyone asks what dd would like as a christening gift please?

"I'm not expecting you to buy her anything, I just want you to share the day. She is fed and clothed, and has lots of toys. Rather than spend your hard earned cash on a load of silver plated souvenirs, stick a couple of quid in her trust fund for when she's old enough to choose something herself."

The above is of course both rude and entitled, and sounds extremely grabby, which I am really not. I am not expecting presents, but my dm assures me that people will buy them, so, how can I diplomatically ask people to put into a trust fund rather than buy traditional gifts, (if they wish to that is) without resorting to poems and making anyone feel they are expected to?

OP posts:

zzzzz · 08/06/2012 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katienana · 08/06/2012 20:41

Does it have to be cash or nothing? I got dn rials dahl set for his christening, it's a nice keepsake that will be practical as he gets old enough to read. If your dd has no need of anything then suggesting money seems a bit off.

SarkyWench · 08/06/2012 20:56

What acekicker said.

Babylon1 · 08/06/2012 21:00

I'm in similar position, having all 3 DCs christened in july. Do not expect gifts for them, would just like a nice day please

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2012 21:06

I know this has nothing to do with the OP but I just thought I'd share it cos I'm still shocked

There was a young couple on FB a few weeks ago (I don't know them so God knows how they ended up on my News feed) and their status said...

"Thanks for all the good wishes and compliments on our beautiful baby boy XXX, we look forward to you all adding to his pocket money fund"

LeBOFFY · 08/06/2012 21:09

Yes, the Save The Children thing is really good. Christenings aren't really about baby gifts (or they didn't used to be), but religious-minded types would give a card and a prayer book etc. I don't think you can ask for a cash equivalent unless it is to support something like a children's charity. If relatives and friends want to give non-religious presents, it tends to be on hearing if the birth, as far as I know. That might not be everybody's experience, but it was mine growing up in a Catholic family.

McKayz · 08/06/2012 21:14

I was wondering about this. We got married in April and said we didn't want anything and ended up with a few presents and lots of money. We did think about putting something about charity in but then the MN consensus was that people might not agree with our chosen charity.

So I have no idea what to put if anything for the christening. I might just leave it and say nothing.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 08/06/2012 21:20

Same experience as you LeBOFFY, and I've never been to any christenings where anyone other than godparents or close family have bought presents.
My younger sister however has a friend who put one of those cutesy baby announcement boxed ads in our local paper which read to the letter - "Sxxx and Txx welcome baby Wxxx into the world. Wxxx accepts cheques :)" The local paper. I kid you not.

redwineformethanks · 08/06/2012 21:20

I think you should just let people decide for themselves, but if they ask you, then gifts to a children's charity would be nice

wigglesrock · 08/06/2012 21:20

I have had 3 children christened in the past 7 years (Catholic) and we didn't have huge dos - just family. About half of the guests bought presents, they were mainly clothes, no religious gifts at all. At dd3 christening last year we mainly got dear teddies, clothes and gift cards.

I don't think suggesting that guests add to your daughters savings is a good idea at all - tbh if I got an invite and it was suggested that money be given I'd be livid. Its not up to a gift receipent to suggest how someone else spends their money. The charity idea is better but I do know of a few people who when faced with this request had the opinion "don't suggest to me what charity to support", "I already give to that charity" etc. I'd just keep quiet - donate any monetary gifts to a charity, and any of the silver ones re-gift

Mummy2FE · 08/06/2012 21:53

I remember years ago being asked to a Christening and there was a printed piece of card inside the invite instructing "monetary gifts only". Couldn't believe my eyes and I did think it was rude.

I have only ever given cash gifts at Christenngs actually, but it was the manner in which the parents at the above christening were so direct and gave an impression that presents were really important to them. That was what made me cross.

Don't mention gifts. I'm guessing most people will put some money in a card anyway.

Elderflowergranita · 08/06/2012 22:02

I agree with those who said that you shouldn't mention anything at all about gifts.

There really isn't any way of mentioning it without seeming a bit grasping.

Original poster

BalloonTwister · 08/06/2012 22:17

I blame DM entirely for this whole thread....I hadn't even considered that people might or might not give gifts until she bought it up!

I shall keep quiet, accept any gifts gratefully and thoroughly enjoy dd's special day surrounded by family and friends then.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 08/06/2012 22:24

Never worry - I have a list as long as my arm with things I blame my Mum for Hope you have a lovely day.

tkband3 · 08/06/2012 22:28

Friends of ours who had twins who were slightly premature had a just giving page for anyone who wanted to give christening gifts. Proceeds went to Bliss - the charity for premature and special care babies.

Original poster

BalloonTwister · 08/06/2012 22:39

To all those who have suggested that I am graspy for asking for money, can I just point out that in my op I did state that I was looking for a polite response if anyone asked me what dd would like.

I might be tactless, but I'm not rude and certainly wouldn't have even considered sending out a note with the invitations or similar. I just wanted to have a polite phrase or two if anyone asked iyswim.

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/06/2012 22:39

You are doing the right thing staying quiet Balloon.

LeBOF makes a good point in that people often buy new baby gifts, but people who want to give for a Christening tend to get something religious, or something they hope will be a keepsake.

I think it's nice to let guests give special things to the baby, sometimes people will choose things simelar to gifts they remember treasuring from their own childhoods. I'm sure your dd will end up with some lovely gifts that you will appreciate more than money

PenelopePipPop · 08/06/2012 22:43

Completely agree, you can't say anything about gifts in a christening invite.

Friends of ours if relatives called to say 'what would you like as a present' asked for a copy of their favourite book from childhood. I thought that was a nice touch, more personal than money in a trust fund but more useful than another silver keepsake box or children's illustrated bible.

notnowImreading · 08/06/2012 22:47

Sorry to hijack your thread, Balloontwister, but I've just received an invitation to a christening. Most of my friends would be numbered among the godless in the wilderness so I haven't been to one in years. There's no note about gifts/money/charity donations in the invitation (well done to them, clearly very polite) but I would like to give a gift or some cash, don't mind which. What's a reasonable budget and what would people really rather have? I'm not impoverished, although not a Russian oligarch either, so be honest.

Original poster

BalloonTwister · 08/06/2012 22:57

Aaaargh!!!! It was never going to be in the invite, they were posted weeks ago!!!!! It was a verbal response if, and only if, anyone asked!

Sorry, feel much better now.

Notnowimreading - guess that would depend entirely on how close you are, and entirely your choice. You could always combine the two and give a fairly inexpensive money box with a 2012 coin in it?

OP posts:

McKayz · 08/06/2012 22:58

Penelope what a lovely idea that is. I might pinch that if we get asked about presents. I've just ordered a copy of my favourite childhood book for baby.

quickhide · 08/06/2012 23:01

I've never seen a gift list in a christening invite and I tend to just get small presents, usually a book.

Love the idea of suggesting a favourite childhood book. Or ask for a book token?

quickhide · 08/06/2012 23:01

I've never seen a gift list in a christening invite and I tend to just get small presents, usually a book.

Love the idea of suggesting a favourite childhood book. Or ask for a book token?

Original poster

BalloonTwister · 08/06/2012 23:10

I also love the childhood book idea, but am beginning to think you lot are on a wind up with this gift list malarkey so I'm going to bed.

Just to clarify, I never, at any point, wanted to ask people by way of invite, note, poem or any other means to give gifts, money or anything else. I merely wanted a polite response if anyone asked whether dd would like a christening gift.

OP posts:

notnowImreading · 08/06/2012 23:12

So a christening present wouldn't be, say, on a par with a wedding present? It's my cousin's baby. We're not close and I haven't seen the baby, but it is family.

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