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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't know how to deal woth this situation, aibu not to go?

126 replies

Carlia · 07/06/2012 20:07

DH, our 3 young DC, puppy and I have been asked my my Grandmother in Northern Scotland to go and visit her again this year (we went last year)...

The only problem is we now have a young puppy who we cannot leave behind and more importantly we absolutely cannot afford it, we checked our finances yesterday and we really really can't... My Grandma offered to pay, which we were reluctant to accept but she has not said she is sending £1000 in the post. It is actually going to cost around £2000 and I don't know how to handle this situation...

I am really embarrassed and don't feel I can say anything to her a. that we can't go or b. that we can't afford it, as she has been more than generous. I asked my mum whether she could mention it to her as it might be less awkward coming from her and she said no way.

What shall I do? We do all really want to go, had some issues with planning the route (11 hours in car with kids, not ideal!) but had it worked out, just can't afford it!

OP posts:
fairyfriend · 08/06/2012 00:56

Oh, just in case this isn't clear from my post, YABU.

sadsac · 08/06/2012 01:01

Oh dear fairy friend - rather a big chip there.

No my sister isn't upset by it - she's of the same thinking. In that she'd have to drive 10 hours to see me too.

I guess you don't know how it feels to never have a holiday because you don't have the money. To me if I had £1K I'd go on a warm, hot holiday abroad - because I haven't had one for near enough 10 years. Would I want to drive 10 hours with young children to go somewhere cold and dark - no.

fairyfriend · 08/06/2012 01:05

Nope, no money for holidays. Would still rather spend what little I have on family. I really wouldn't consider the weather when deciding whether or not to visit a family member. Don't see how that works out to me having 'a chip' just because you don't like what I'm saying. (Unless I've touched a nerve?)

sadsac · 08/06/2012 01:08

No you made a rather personal comment about my relationship with my sister, in a rather agressive way - that's what touched a nerve. Much like you, I have an opinion. You can express yours without attacking other people.

fairyfriend · 08/06/2012 01:19

Well, this is AIBU, it gets heated. If you're that sensitive then perhaps you should avoid it. The fact is, I see yours as a very shallow way of thinking. I don't see why I shouldn't point this out. For the sarcasm I will apologise, but is it really the way I phrased it that bothers you? Really? I think it's more to do with the fact that what I said is a pretty uncomfortable truth. You clearly place more value on the weather than on your family relationships. I see this as a pretty sad way to look at life. (And you think that the fact that your sister feels the same way makes this somehow better?!)
So, I apologise if I sounded aggressive, but I stand by what I said.

tabulahrasa · 08/06/2012 01:28

You could buy a caravan for less than that, drive it up and back then sell it on...

suziez · 08/06/2012 05:45

Large camper van....hotel sorted, stopovers sorted, gran sorted, money sorted.

MsPaperbackWriter · 08/06/2012 06:17

You know what? Your granny sounds very inflexible - she won't come to you, she won't let you stay with her, etc

Send the cheque back as say you cannot afford to
Come and explain why but say you could if you all stayed with her or reiterate again she is welcome to come to you. Don't put yourselves at financial strain just be honest.

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 08/06/2012 06:41

I'm with MrsPaperback here. Having read both your posts, I suspect given your mums reaction that your Gran is well used to being the family matriarch. This is speculation, correct me if I'm wrong. You went last year. You can't go this year.

With 3 children, and a lovely new puppy it sounds like you are going to have a lovely cheap summer as a family anyway.

You can't afford it, financially, physically and emotionally it's causing strains. Ask her to let you see if you can plan something before or after Xmas when puppy is older and you've had time to plan and budget properly.

If she says that won't suit than be blunt, say the summer is out this year so you'll start planning for next.

Otherwise, if you do this once, you'll be expected to do it again and again.

scrablet · 08/06/2012 06:42

Why do you keep asking? All suggestions are ignored. Just don't go, you obviously don't want to.
MN cannot tell you how to break this to your Gran. Why not tell her all the reasons you have told us, in a letter if you need to, return her £1000 and invite her to yours?

sashh · 08/06/2012 06:57

Carlia - where are you travelling from? If you book in advance you can get Caledonian sleeper tickets from £19, OK you will have to hire a car but brings the costs right down.

Or hire a ccamper van, either on to travel to Scotland or one in Scotland - park it outside your grans.

thereistheball · 08/06/2012 07:10

I would:

  • return the cheque with a hand-written letter explaining as nicely as possible that the trip, as she envisages it, is just not practical or affordable this summer
  • invite her for Christmas, and plan to host a big family do at some point while she is there, with your mum, any brothers or sisters, etc. That way she still gets to see her family - all of them - in the near future. You may need to make some reassurances about how you plan to get her to yours in comfort, if she is frail, but there is time to plan these and she clearly has some funds she can put towards getting to you which may help.
Glitterkitten24 · 08/06/2012 07:28

We are going to the North f Scotland for 5 nights and staying in a caravan for £200, couldn't you look into something like that?

redlac · 08/06/2012 07:32

Am I having thread dejavu? I'm sure there was another thread with exactly the same content but a different title

EssieW · 08/06/2012 07:48

Cottage is ridiculous price. We are having 2 weeks in Scotland for less than that.

Stopover - premier travel inn. £60 a go.

You can easily get this for under 1000. Your grandmother must really want you to go if she's given you the money.

storminabuttercup · 08/06/2012 07:48

I may be way out here but were you expecting us to tell you to ask your DGM for the other 1000 quid you 'need' ? Hmm

2blessed2bstressed · 08/06/2012 07:49

Nothing useful to add to this thread really, but just wanted to say - as someone who lives in the Highlands, I object strongly to this beautiful part of the country being referred to as "cold and dark". At the moment it is neither!
My kids watched a little of the Jubilee concert on tv and couldn't understand why it was dark there when we were still out in the garden, and we didn't watch any of the rainy flotilla coverage because we were outside sitting in the sun. So there! Grin

takingiteasy · 08/06/2012 07:55

Where in Scotland are you going?

thereistheball · 08/06/2012 07:58

(2blessed2bstressed - love your name! And jealous of your location)

Gingerbreadlatte · 08/06/2012 07:58

Go on your own on the train if you cannot sort out the money issue. Sounds like you are pricing up it in a way to avoid going.

Are you going on other family holidays this year?

I'd imagine your grandmother wants you to go a lot if she is paying £1000 for it.

Your chances to see will be limited if she is your grandmother- make the most of it.

AgentProvocateur · 08/06/2012 08:15

2blessed2bestressed, you beat me to it - I was going to come and post the same thing. Some shocking ignorance there.

2rebecca · 08/06/2012 08:17

Any update as to why granny can't travel to you or you all have a holiday somewhere nearer you? I think granny travelling down if she wants to see you sounds sensible. It sounds as though for many reasons you don't want to go there and will just be sending the money back and politely and firmly saying no. I presume there is some issue with granny that explains why you didn't just do that in the first place.

exoticfruits · 08/06/2012 08:21

Hardly a holiday amistillsexy! The travel seems a nightmare!
Can't you just say that you will do it next year instead? Or grandmother comes to you?

suziez · 08/06/2012 08:53

This is getting silly...
I have a (single parent) friend who travelled to England from Italy with 3 kids to the north of England, picked up 2 puppies and returned to Italy. No complaints, no excuses. no whining about money, which is in chronic shortage.
At the end of the day, if you want to go you will manage it all, the money, the kids, the dog, if you don't then you won't! It is simply that you don't want to go.
Be responsible,tell your gran not this year...thank you for the money, herewith returned.
I'm outta here

Paiviaso · 08/06/2012 09:19

There seem to be so many solutions to your problem that its Hmm into me thinking you just don't want to go.

Maybe I've missed it, but why can't you just wait until the end of summer, when the puppy is older and prices start to come down? Everybody wins...

Or, she visits you. If she wants to see you that bad, and has £1000 to spare, surely she can travel down in comfort?