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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to regard this as 'cheating'

84 replies

monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:27

Recently separated from H of 7 years (together for 11 years).

He wants to make a go of it.

Found out during a drunken night out (with him and a couple of mutual friends) that while I was out of the country 3 years ago that he licked the nipple of a (no longer a) friend's girlfriend at the time. He has always said that that time away from each other he did a lot of drugs/drink as he missed me and our DD (I was applying for visa and awaiting result, took longer than expected).

Would you consider that as cheating?

What got me most though is that I had to hear about this from someone else. We had a very frank, open discussion not even a week before where I had asked him if he had done anything at all with anyone else. He had replied 'no', but had always assumed that I had cheated on him. He has 'issues' with trust apparently Hmm He had forgotten about the Nipplegate...funny how his friend hadn't

So just drunken tomfoolery, and as it was 'just a nipple' not considered cheating?

Or am I correct with my latest text to him; 'Go fucking lick a nipple you cheating bastard' (after being shitty with me for not answering the phone as I was trying to get our children to sleep)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2012 15:28

If that isn't cheating, what is?

Cassettetapeandpencil · 07/06/2012 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrispyCod · 07/06/2012 15:29

Hmm how on earth did he find himself in such a situation?

TheMonster · 07/06/2012 15:30

Although it's not cheating, as such, I would be angry that he thought it was ok to do.

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 15:30

Drunken cheating is still cheating, even if it was just a nipple Hmm

More worrying is that he seems to accuse you of being unfaithful. You often find that people with these self-proclaimed trust issues, use your potential infidelity as an excuse for their actual infidelity.

Beckamaw · 07/06/2012 15:31

What Crispycod said.

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:31

I more than plan to ask him that question Cod...

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 15:31

I'm guessing the licking of the nipple was more showing off than sexual act?

It's not something you really do on its own with people watching unless it's some kind of dare or something.

Am I wrong?

If so, it fits in with him being lonely and prone to benders while you were away.

I presume there is more to your breakup than this? You sound very angry with him.

corlan · 07/06/2012 15:31

I would say that was cheating.

(Wondering if ' I just licked his cock' would be accepted as mere drunken tomfoolery!)

MrGin · 07/06/2012 15:32

I'd say it isn't cheating. But then I'm a bloke.

MsOliveOyl · 07/06/2012 15:33

If it was just a single drunken lick in a crowded bar where everyone else was behaving stupidly as well, then I wouldn't consider it cheating, just disrespectful to me and idiotic. I would be very upset, though, and assume he was capable of doing worse.

TheSurgeonsMate · 07/06/2012 15:33

I'm not clear from the context - were there other people there? If so I might see that as inappropraite bravado. If not, it's cheating.

GiserableMitt · 07/06/2012 15:33

What were the nipple-licking circumstances? Was it with other people: pissed, egged on by other twats etc or a one-on-one session?

If the former I'd make his life hell for a while but consider moving past it, if the latter then he could actually go to hell.

Why did you separate? Was it due to trust or cheating issues?

BunnyLebowski · 07/06/2012 15:33

Not cheating to me.

And, shock horror, I'm not a bloke.

SuzySheepSmellsNice · 07/06/2012 15:34

Ask him if it would be okay for his friend to lick your nipple, or if that would be cheating?

Molehillmountain · 07/06/2012 15:34

Absolutely it's cheating. Surely kissing or otherwise being intimate with another person is cheating too? Or can they get away with it as long as they were a) drunk and b) there was no penetration? It's also the fact that he's decided it wasn't cheating and is therefore off the hook. It's up to you to forgive or not on this issue. Whatever else is up with the relationship might need separate handling. There is a huge lack of respect for your feelings if he dismisses this and makes you feel ridiculous for considering it to be a betrayal.

MeCookGoodSock · 07/06/2012 15:35

Sounds like the Clinton Defense to me.

CrispyCod · 07/06/2012 15:35

Ooh good point Suzy

Numberlock · 07/06/2012 15:37

Of equal concern to me would be the fact he justifies turning to ' a lot of drink and drugs' because he was missing you.

Plus being shitty with you because you didn't answer the phone when you were putting the children to bed?

He wants to make a go of it

Doesn't sound like it to me.

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:37

Does it speak volumes that not even a month of announcing our separation he chatted up some barmaid at a mutual friend's wedding, asked her out and subsequently went out on a date with her (spending at least 250 dollars on her for a dinner and a comedy show) and I only found out because the computer e-mails is joint and I saw a confirmation for the tickets. He wasn't going to tell me as he didn't consider it a 'date'. he just needed to go out and have some fun. Nothing untoward happened between them. he said the whole time he was thinking about me.

We never went out on fucking dates (I can count maybe 3 times the whole time we were together).

It's over isn't it? Sad

OP posts:
MsOliveOyl · 07/06/2012 15:37

I'm not a bloke either, and don't think it's cheating. Kissing on the lips or between the legs would be though... Nipples just seem more innocent objects than lips or genitals!

Molehillmountain · 07/06/2012 15:37

I would add a caveat to my post along the lines of others. Taking your clothes off when two people are alone together is different from a drunken game of strip poker. So nipple licking when everyone was drunk and messing about together might just be different from the same thing happening with two people alone. I would still be unhappy and it would be beholden on him to apologise to me.

WorraLiberty · 07/06/2012 15:38

He has always said that that time away from each other he did a lot of drugs/drink as he missed me and our DD

Never mind the nipple licking, I'd say it's the least of your worries really.

MsOliveOyl · 07/06/2012 15:39

I'm not saying you shouldn't leave the bastard, because you totally should.

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 15:39

I think there's a whole load of other issues with him and yes, probably best if it is over. He sounds juvenile for a start.

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