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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to regard this as 'cheating'

84 replies

monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:27

Recently separated from H of 7 years (together for 11 years).

He wants to make a go of it.

Found out during a drunken night out (with him and a couple of mutual friends) that while I was out of the country 3 years ago that he licked the nipple of a (no longer a) friend's girlfriend at the time. He has always said that that time away from each other he did a lot of drugs/drink as he missed me and our DD (I was applying for visa and awaiting result, took longer than expected).

Would you consider that as cheating?

What got me most though is that I had to hear about this from someone else. We had a very frank, open discussion not even a week before where I had asked him if he had done anything at all with anyone else. He had replied 'no', but had always assumed that I had cheated on him. He has 'issues' with trust apparently Hmm He had forgotten about the Nipplegate...funny how his friend hadn't

So just drunken tomfoolery, and as it was 'just a nipple' not considered cheating?

Or am I correct with my latest text to him; 'Go fucking lick a nipple you cheating bastard' (after being shitty with me for not answering the phone as I was trying to get our children to sleep)

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 07/06/2012 15:39

If it was just a drunken 'truth or dare' type game then I wouldn't be getting my knickers in too much of a twist over it....

DinahMoHum · 07/06/2012 15:39

i wouldnt say it was cheating, but it wouldnt entice me to make a go of things again. Sounds like youre not really sure if you want to

GiserableMitt · 07/06/2012 15:40

Based on your last post OP, I don't think there's a lot of hope for you as a couple.
Do you really want a lifetime of finding out?

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:41

"What were the nipple-licking circumstances? Was it with other people: pissed, egged on by other twats etc or a one-on-one session?"

I plan to ask him. It is only since I have been thinking it over that I have the same questions as you lot.

I would presume that it was in the backyard with the (ex)friend, his girlfriend and maybe one other bloke....

He was living with them at the time.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 07/06/2012 15:43

Depends on the circumstances - lots of drunk friends messing about at a party, or a quiet tete a tete (as it were).

But from the other stuff you write I'd assume you guys are not going anywhere

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:43

Do you really want a lifetime of finding out?

No.

I had total trust in him the whole time we have been together...

...It is now pissing off to the moon.

OP posts:
emsyj · 07/06/2012 15:46

Count yourself lucky that it's over - and away with the Sad face!!! You wasted 11 years with this loser, don't waste any more time on him.

GiserableMitt · 07/06/2012 15:48

Ah shit, sorry about that. Does it affect your visa status or are you ok to continue living in the country where you are now?

MissFaversham · 07/06/2012 15:49

If someone tried to lick my nipple I'd smack his face!

I also wouldn't want to be his girlfriend/partner or wife!

What a knob.

supernannyisace · 07/06/2012 15:51

oh - I am unsure if I would class it as 'cheating', but I sure as hell wouldn't be happy about it.

From experience someone who can do something which could be/is percieved as cheating without caring about it isn't worth sticking with. There are better men out there who would think twice before stupid drunken dares or whatever it was.

MrsClown · 07/06/2012 15:53

Yes, IMO it definitely is cheating.

Mr Gin, would you be ok with your partner licking a bloke's cock then or another bloke licking your partner's nipples.

Ms Olive and Bunny - how far do your blokes have to go then for them to cheat, full sex?

bumperella · 07/06/2012 15:55

I cannot imagine a situation where I'd allow someone to do that if I didn't fancy them and wasn't in an intimate situation with them. Or where I'd do it to someone else. Maybe I'm just a prude, but.... naah.

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:56

Giserable - I'm fine in regards to Visa and can continue living here.

The last time we spoke (he is currently away with work) he had said that it is '90%' about sex with him (our libidos have never matched).

I asked 'So what would you be wanting?'

his reply?

'2 or 3 times a day...'

'A day?!! I can't agree to that....soon we will have a toddler...'

Do people really do it 2 to 3 times a day, every day?

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 07/06/2012 15:57

None of your business MrsClown. Suffice it to say that not all couples subscribe to the same relationship 'rules' and would throw away a good thing over a stupid mistake.

Disclaimer That is not my opinion on the OP's situation. It's about much more than nipplegate. For numerous other reasons he sounds like a feckless waster and she's better off without.

WorraLiberty · 07/06/2012 15:58

Do people really do it 2 to 3 times a day, every day?

Only if they're really shit at it.

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 15:59

2 or 3 times a day! Shock Bloody hell, I like a good shag but 2 or 3 times a day? I'd be raw ffs.

He will be hard pushed to find anyone who wants that when they've got a toddler/baby to deal with.

He sounds very immature and selfish.

BelieveInPink · 07/06/2012 16:01

Surely to Christ he made a typo and meant week.

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 16:03

What's the betting that these 2 to 3 times a day will be all about his pleasure and not about the Op's or about intimacy?

GinPalace · 07/06/2012 16:03

He sounds like a total dick anyway, so I think whether he has cheated or not by licking a nipple is irrelevant.

Gets cross cos you don't pick up when busy
Has to use drugs/drink to cope with missing you
Has dubious ways of categorising his own behaviour while failing to trust your behaviour.

Wouldn't go near him with a 10 foot barge pole myself.

MrsClown · 07/06/2012 16:03

Bunny, licking a woman's nipple is hardly a stupid mistake. It shows an incredible amount of disrespect for his partner and the woman he is doing it to. Sad you cant answer a totally basic question. I just wondered how far some men have to go before their partner's think it is not the done thing. I realise I am probably from a different generation (I am over 50) and standards of male behaviour (and women for that matter) have gone right down the toilet.

OP - get rid. there are some men out there who do respect women and would not behave like that no matter how drunk they were, though I know they are probably hard to find but they are out there.

I have just asked my son's girlfriend if she would see it as cheating and she said it was a no brainer.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 07/06/2012 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 07/06/2012 16:05

Am I bad person that this thread is making me PMSL?

Ismeyes · 07/06/2012 16:06

Not cheating to me and I'm not a bloke, sounds like they were playing stupid drunk games. For the record I'm sure my DH wouldn't be happy if I licked another blokes cock, and I wouldn't be happy if he licked another blokes cock either, so no double standards here.

I think you have more problems than nipples to be honest, so don't get sidetracked.

BunnyLebowski · 07/06/2012 16:09

MrsClown Maybe my wording was wrong. I wasn't talking about the nipple lick (there's a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say). My 'stupid mistake' comment was in response to your 'full sex' one.

All the time on MN we read that a snog or a one-night stand, whatever the context, instantly and unequivocally means the end of a relationship.

All I'm saying is that not everyone thinks that way. And it doesn't immediately equate to a lack of standards if that is the case.

OP - 2 or 3 times a day?? Is he out of his fucking mind??!

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 16:12

Proundnscary- God, I wish it was a joke!

I feel validated that I posted this here. Thank you all.

manic - let's just say that there have been a hell of a lot of headjobs over the years.

OP posts: