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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to regard this as 'cheating'

84 replies

monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 15:27

Recently separated from H of 7 years (together for 11 years).

He wants to make a go of it.

Found out during a drunken night out (with him and a couple of mutual friends) that while I was out of the country 3 years ago that he licked the nipple of a (no longer a) friend's girlfriend at the time. He has always said that that time away from each other he did a lot of drugs/drink as he missed me and our DD (I was applying for visa and awaiting result, took longer than expected).

Would you consider that as cheating?

What got me most though is that I had to hear about this from someone else. We had a very frank, open discussion not even a week before where I had asked him if he had done anything at all with anyone else. He had replied 'no', but had always assumed that I had cheated on him. He has 'issues' with trust apparently Hmm He had forgotten about the Nipplegate...funny how his friend hadn't

So just drunken tomfoolery, and as it was 'just a nipple' not considered cheating?

Or am I correct with my latest text to him; 'Go fucking lick a nipple you cheating bastard' (after being shitty with me for not answering the phone as I was trying to get our children to sleep)

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 07/06/2012 16:12

2 or 3 times a day....

(Correction to earlier post) KNOB HEAD! Grin

Tell him to piss off OP

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 16:13

So he basically has no respect for if you are tired or not in the mood etc?

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 16:15

Nope. I have been called frigid on more than one occasion.

Fuck me, this sounds so bad when typed.

OP posts:
KellyElly · 07/06/2012 16:16

If it's in front of others in a bar its very inappropriate drunken behaviour which many partners would still have a major issue with. If its on their own in a hotel room that's cheating.

Dprince · 07/06/2012 16:17

Its not quite cheating imo. But I would definitely kick him out, its a complete lack of respect. Look at the situation. Your were out of the country with dd. He 'drowned' his sorrows on drink and drugs. He licked a girls nipple. You clearly already have issues as you had a heart to heart and asked him if he had done anything with anyone else. You obviously either have trust issues, you doubt his commitment or have reason to suspect he has cheated.
So take out the nipple licking. Is this really a relationship worth saving? Tbh I think the nipple thing is a smaller issue than the others. Its not a perfect relationship and this is a random incident that he was mortified about, told you instantly, begged forgiveness and has been an amazing dh since. Add on the fact that he has lied about it. Is this really what you want? I am not going to tell you to leave the bastard, only you can decide that. I would be gone, but its up to you to decide if its worth saving.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/06/2012 16:18

2 or 3 times a day ???

Where would you find the time?

When would you sleep?!!

All joking aside I think that if 2 people want to have sex 2-3 times a day, good for them. However if 1 person thinks 2-3 per week is more like it, there's going to be a problem.

I think it's a bit unrealistic of him to ask you this knowing your sex drives are different anyway.
I also think of he is getting drunk/taking drugs/accusing you of cheating/forgetting he licked a woman's nipple/getting annoyed with you cos you are putting your DCs to bed, he doesn't sound like the kind of man anyone would want to waste any more time on.

MissFaversham · 07/06/2012 16:19

Either way though where ever the nipple was licked, if I found out my partner had done this he'd go right down the scale in my estimation that's for sure. I'd even go so far to think he was a twat and didn't deserve my respect. Therefore he'd have to toddle off for good.

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 16:20

He sounds emotionally and sexually abusive tbh.

MeCookGoodSock · 07/06/2012 16:24

2 or 3 times a day?!

Steriods or coke would be my guess. He's 90% about sex? You should be 100% over this man!

Spice17 · 07/06/2012 16:28

Not cheating IMO but I'm not saying I wouldn't be pretty fuming if DH did that

But he wouldn't as he's not a total knob hence why I married him :)

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 16:28

Dprince - We had the heart-to heart discussion after we had separated. Even though I had trusted him, the knowledge at the time that he had been on a date so soon made me ask. If we were to get back together I wanted to know everything.

manic - I'm beginning to realise this Sad

OP posts:
Sarcalogos · 07/06/2012 16:30

2 or 3 times a day??? Most stupid thing I've read all day, who has the time? Do you have jobs? Children? A need to sleep/eat/partake in ANY other leisure activity?

IMHO the nipple licking in isolation is not cheating. It is tsarist (trying to type twatist iPad fail that is amusing) behaviour though, cheating is not the only kind of unacceptable behaviour don't forget. If he dealt with it humbly and apologised and was upfront, it's not relationship ending, but he hasn't.

To be honest I would of ended it over the drunken/drugged up benders while you were abroad. Never mind the rest of the shit youve mentioned!

Original poster
monkeyslut · 07/06/2012 16:45

Sarcalogos- I didn't know fully about the benders until I arrived back here.

Everyone has always commented about how much he loves me and 'worships' me.

The romantic in me believed it...

OP posts:
nambysm · 07/06/2012 16:52

As others have said - not cheating if in a crowded bar or busy party situation. But that doesn't excuse it. IMO that isn't the kind of respectful behaviour I would expect from my partner and would be a dealbreaker even though not cheating. Same as if he striped naked and danced on a bar - that's not the man I want to be with.

I'm afriad he sounds like a cheater though - the frigid comments, the length of time spent away, the quick date, the amount of money spent on the date... it's the whole bravado/ attitude of an entitled man who sees women as objects IMO.

ENormaSnob · 07/06/2012 16:55

Get rid.

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/06/2012 16:56

You can do better monkey

nambysm · 07/06/2012 17:03

2 to 3 times a day is just silly. He has an addiction I would say. I don't know heaps about it but I don't think people with a sex addiction are faithful... at 2 to 3 times a day it isn't about intimacy, ever, is it?

We have sex probably 4 times a week. Out of those times a couple of times are raw lusty sex, and the other two are about intimacy. I think thats a normal ratio - or there abouts. you could't have 50% intimacy if you were doing it 2 or 3 times a day. And where would that leave your marriage?

WhiteWidow · 07/06/2012 17:05

I'd hit the friggin roof. It might not be cheating per sey, but it's defo a serious offence!

EasilyBored · 07/06/2012 17:11

at the idea of two or three times a day. FFS, when would you have time to do anything else?!

Teeb · 07/06/2012 17:13

I think the point that's been made about how he would feel if it was a man you are friends with doing it to you are really important too. It's just totally unreasonable behaviour, on top of more unreasonable behaviour.

Oppsididitagain · 07/06/2012 17:15

I have never experanced this type of thing but I fully intend to start hanging round more bars

I wouldn't be botthered by it but then again I'm rather odd YANBU to be perfectly capable to decide what you concider to be cheating and it shouldn't matter if anyone else agrees or not

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 17:21

Eurgh, he sounds so vile.

You've been giving him loads of blowjobs because he is 90% about sex and demands it 2-3 times a day.

Ick.

I really hope it is over.

The nipple licking is the least of your worries and kind of a silly thing to be getting hung up on.

WhiteWidow · 07/06/2012 17:28

Just read that 2-3 times a day think

What a tosser. I can't accept that sort of thing me.

Me and my DP have sex everyday sometimes twice, but that's because both of us are horny people. I hate people who say they NEED it and the other person has to succumb

lurkedtoolong · 07/06/2012 17:29

If he thinks the relationship is 90% about sex then he's clearly got a different idea of what makes a strong relationship than most people.

The nipple licking is kind of irrelevant, the fact he's a wanker isn't.

Pandemoniaa · 07/06/2012 17:52

I tend to think that any behaviour that you can't come home and discuss without repercussions is wrong. Or at least something you know you shouldn't have done. So yes, I'd count nipple licking as infidelity.

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