to think shiftwork isnt an excuse!

[pandapiebald]

DH does nothing (nada, zip, f* all) about the house because he works shifts (NHS, very stressful and busy role). He last mowed the lawn last summer, hoovered one bedroom about 6 weeks ago, and probably last turned on the dishwasher (only half loaded) over a month ago. He's even less helpful with the kids because he's always too tired to spend longer than 5 minutes with them. This is before, during, after and between shifts - there is always an excuse!
He claims none of his coleagues have to do anything at home (and apparently their wives don't nag either
So AIBU to expect him to pull his weight when he is home? (fwiw I always wait on him hand and foot during shifts cos I do know it's a difficult job and its one way I live to show I care ).
I'm fed up, so please tell me how the rest of you split jobs at home when one of you works shifts!

Do you work in paid employment? And how old are the children?

DH doesn't work shifts as in nights / earlies / lates but does 2 x 12 hours and 2 x 8 hours each week.

I'm a SAHM to school age children so have a fair amount of me-time and choose to do pretty much everything inside the home bar major DIY.

Shift work is REALLY shit and mucks up your internal clock something rotten. Does your dh have weekends off?

My DP is a useless feckwit who manages to piss me off almost daily. He works shifts in Sainsbury's, but he works maybe 24 hours a week maximum at the moment? 8 hours one day, day off, 8 hours, day off, day off, 8 hours, day off.

He does FUCK ALL. It pisses me off as well, but when he finally does do something he does it so pathetically I'm sure it's deliberately shit just so he doesn't have to do it again. And when I ask him to do something - god forbid! At one point he even started muttering "God, with all this hassle I should have gone to work today" or words to that effect. He realized this was a bad idea when I brought down a serious rage of fire.

He's great in most respects, but sometimes it feels like I'm a single fucking parent. Wanker.

Sorry... I just needed to get that off my chest...

How many days off a week does he get?

If he gets 2/3 then that's where he needs to start pulling his weight. I dont believe for a minute that none of his colleagues do stuff round the house.

If it was me then I would divide up the jobs with him and then get him to choose to do it or outsource it - get a teenager to mow the law, put the ironing out, get a cleaner.

Take some of the emotion out of it, it's not about him helping you, it's about him having jobs to do and choosing how to do them.

Make it clear that you have enough to do with what you do and that you are only going to do what is yours.

Also, equal amount to leisure time without the children us important - don't ask, book a class, check if he's in that evening, if not arrange a babysitter.

He sounds like he needs a swift kick up the arse and a reminder that the home and the DCs are joint responsibilities.

DH doesn't work shifts but he does work Mon-Fri and is out from 7am until 6pm, he also does three Saturdays in every eight and doesn't get home until 9pm on alternate Tuesdays. I do all of the childcare while he's at work which is why I don't work right now, I was part time and he earned more so it made more sense for me to finish my job (if it had been the other way around then he would be at home instead). I also do most of the jobs around the house while he's at work purely because I'm here and available to do them.

On weekends or days when he's off he does the majority of the housework because they're my days off and neither of us does any housework in the evenings because that's our time. He also takes both DCs out for a couple of hours once a week so I can have some time completely to myself and I take them out on a Wednesday evening so he can have time to himself. We play turns for lie-ins too, I get a Saturday and he gets a Sunday.

We're not always 100% equal in the amount of work we do but we try to be fair to one another and pitch in, we've had rows about division of childcare/housework and we still have the occassional flare-up where one or the other of us feels put upon but that usually leads to us sorting it out.

YANBU to expect more help and he is being very unreasonable not to give you that help. Nagging!? Fucking nagging!? Go on strike. Do the washing/cooking/shopping, etc for yourself and the children and let the lazy git fend for himself.

In think if you are a SAHM with school age children then there is no real reason NOT to the housework, a bit different with younger ones as it is harder to do & you want to spend the time WITH them.

I'm a single mum though so I do it all now anyway!!

Remind him that if he lived on his own he'd have to do his own washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, washing up and general cleaning. Oh, and take care of the kids singlehandedly every other weekend.
Offer him the option of trialling that for a while to see if his life is easier without you and your nagging! In fact, I'd be tempted to do nothing for him for about a week. Then perhaps he'll understand why he needs to do more in his own home.

In all seriousness, it would be the lack of effort. With the kids that would be the dealbreaker for me. It will affect them, they will remember that dad could never be arsed. This will hurt them and affect their personalities. I'm not saying 'leave the bastard', but he needs a wake-up call.

I'm with fairyfriend. It's nice that DH helps around the house (and only right IMO, I'm not his housekeeper) but the biggest thing for me is that he spends time with the DCs. An hour of quality time with the DCs is better than dishes, laundry, etc. They love it and I love the time to myself.

As always, I'm gobsmacked by the number of lazy, entitled men in the world who see their wives as little more than the domestic help.

Why on god's green earth do any of you put up with it? Have you no self respect? Surely your lives would be so much easier without having to run around after these useless selfish fora?

Fora? Stupid phone. I meant gits.

I'm with Annie

dh works shifts, has done for 26+ years. He does his fair share in the house. We'd be divorced otherwise. He's between nights today so I don't expect much of him - when I say much, he's expected to do the dishwasher if it's full or needs emptying, hang washing out etc those small jobs that don't need much brain space. He doesn't get to sit on his arse - I have to do stuff before I go to work, after I come home, so should he.

I used to have a lazy entitled (and abusive) man around the house.

He refused to change so I got rid of him. He was more trouble than he was worth.

Shift work can be absolutely rubbish and I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore. But there's no way in hell that it's so utterly shit that the last domestic chores you do could be counted on one hand and took place over a month or so. No way, not for anyone. And like someone else said, if he lived by himself he'd have to do all of the chores himself- the only reason he doesn't is because he knows he can talk you into doing it all for him.

Stop waiting on him hand and food even if it is your way of showing love and let him do a bit more to take care of himself. He obviously takes this kind of behaviour for granted and expects you to take care of him and everything else- can you imagine it being this way for years more, decades even? Because it does happen. People do end up in these sorts of situations.

YANBU, I am in a very similar situation and he doesn't even work much - he's a writer and works freelance from home So is here all the time and does NOTHING!

My dp works stressful, high responsibility, NHS shifts. When he's at home he does what needs to be done. I tend to give him a lie in & have done meal planning/food shopping tho (am Sahm). He does see his arse sometimes because he can get stressed & overwhelmed at work but he wouldn't really argue that he shouldn't pull his weight at home.

I work part time hours (WAHM) but I'd work more hours if I didnt have to spend so much of the day also doing basic housework and the interuptions for the kids. They're both toddlers so I'm holding out for when dc1 starts 15hrs at preschool.
fairyfriend you have it right - it's thelack of effort that pisses me off. He "doesnt do" nappys, "cant" iron, "cant" use the washingmachine (dc1 has already figured it out)... I've tried going on strike before but the house is a health hazard within 48 hrs and he can outlast me. But I'm posting here rather than the relationship board because I'm hoping for logical argument I can use with him, or a way to say this that he might listen to or to be told that i am being unreasonable
I wouldnt mind so much if I was a SAHM but neither of us want that (or afford it).

do you work outside the home? If you don't i don't see what you have to complain about. If you do paid employment, then you should both put the same amount of average effort, in over time - so paid employment and work in house = same for both of you. shifts is irrelevant.

posts crossed. OK so if you want to do less housework and more paid work, increase your employed hours and get a cleaner.

YANBU. There is no excuse even if he is the MedReg on call and none of his juniors made it to work that day.

DH works shifts too but before leaving for work he is likely to put a load of washing on and tidy up the kitchen because he knows it makes my day a lot easier when I have a toddler to tend to. When he gets in his priority is spending time with DC before going to bed.

I suggest you stop 'nagging' and leave him to manage his own meals, washing and shopping.

I would sit him down and tell him the current situation isn't working. Make it clear how it's affecting you, how it's affecting the children, and how it's affecting your relationship. Tell him that it can't go on like this and that it has to change. Ultimately would you leave him over this? Could you see yourself living like this for many years, possibly even the rest of your life?

well i think if you are the SAHP, then most of the housework is down to you, BUT I think he should be playing with his children, and on days off I'm sure he can help out.
Not sure why you wait on him hand and foot though????

Well if he says he can't do those things then firstly you need to show him. He's acting like a child so treat him like one, show him how to do it (using words of one syllable) then that's one excuse less.

Tell him that you're pissed off with being treated like a skivvy, that it ends here and this, make a list if you have to, is what's expected of him.

You are enabling him. When mine were small, I left for work as dh came in so he often had 3 under 6 to sort out. No choices; he had to get on with it.

I agree with showing him how to operate the washing machine, change a nappy etc in the simplest way possible. Then challenge him. If he is intelligent enough to do his busy and stressful job then there is no reason he cannot turn the washing machine on or change a nappy. After all if he is a nurse or doctor it requires considerably more skill to calculate and set up an iv infusion or insert a central line.