to think shiftwork isnt an excuse!

[pandapiebald]

DH does nothing (nada, zip, f* all) about the house because he works shifts (NHS, very stressful and busy role). He last mowed the lawn last summer, hoovered one bedroom about 6 weeks ago, and probably last turned on the dishwasher (only half loaded) over a month ago. He's even less helpful with the kids because he's always too tired to spend longer than 5 minutes with them. This is before, during, after and between shifts - there is always an excuse!
He claims none of his coleagues have to do anything at home (and apparently their wives don't nag either
So AIBU to expect him to pull his weight when he is home? (fwiw I always wait on him hand and foot during shifts cos I do know it's a difficult job and its one way I live to show I care ).
I'm fed up, so please tell me how the rest of you split jobs at home when one of you works shifts!

What do some of you reply when dp responds to what Mango said with "well, I wouldn't be able to run my sucessful business without the downtime I get from you" or even more patronizingly (sp?) "You're not an expert in what I do so why should I be an expert in what you do?"

I'd tell him that housework is not 'what I do' it's what needs to be done. And as far as the successful business goes I'd tell him not to be such a patronising twat and go hang the washing out.

so sagga - i'd be asking what you are putting into the pot/partnership for the 5 days you are not working?

Sounds like your DH is just a lazy arse and the shift work is an excuse.

FWIW my DH works shifts in a stressful job and does all the cooking, gardening, allotment, DIY and plenty of childcare. He will notice if a wash needs to go on/hung out, and does dishes, tidying etc. I get the occasional long lie and try and get out of the house as much as possible when he's sleeping during the day.

DD goes to nursery when I work (p/t) and he uses those days to get on with stuff round the house/allotment that can't be done with a toddler in tow. He also does all the nursery pick ups unless he's at work. Because he is off a lot during the week, it gives me the opportunity to do some volunteering, go to the shops when it's quiet etc, and he looks after DD.

We work as a team and both pitch in as and when required. We both get plenty of leisure time - if your DH has more time to himself than you, then no that's not fair and you need to discuss.

My ex was like this. He blamed it on shifts. He then got a day job and shockingly he was still a dickhead. I left him and had one less person to wait on/ look after and a house with a much happier atmosphere.

He "doesn't do" nappies, "can't do" this or that.

My ds is 7 and has autism. He can put a wash in and on, all by himself. I am raising him to realise everyone living in a household is equal and should all pull their weight and treat each other with respect. One of the many multiple reasons I left my ex was because I didn't want my ds growing up thinking it was ok to grow up and be a lazy chauvinistic pig.

Saggar - that's the temptation!

But the reality is more like dreaming.

I can afford to live my life independently

But Oh's business pays for us to live it a hell of a lot better.

To be fair, 90% of the time he is very good and helps me a lot (I'm not a SAHM yet, but will be in about 8 months!!!) Well, actually, he's a farmer, so to most normal people he's a bit of a cave man but I've managed to get him to hoover on the odd occasion.

It's just occasionally when we've had a stinker of a row because I've had to ask him to do something for the millionth time he throws those 2 lovely comments at me and I've never been able to argue back!!

Sorry dreamingofsun? - I am working. Or do you mean in freerangelady's situation? I think she's working too.

Make a diary of the hours you work each week. Explain to him that you should both be working equal hours in a week whether that is paid work or housework/childcare.

Agree areas of responsibility he will pick up and and never ever ever do those tasks again, no matter what the consequences are.

Really? Tell him to grow the fuck up and you grow some balls. Stop waiting on him - you are enabling this pitiful selfish behaviour.

freerangelady says she's working 2 days a week. to be honest i'm amazed at the people calling him lazy on here. OK yes he's lazy if she does way more work than him, but if she's only doing paid employment for 2 i would guess this isn't the case. i'd be really miffed if my husband was out of work and still expected me to do loads of jobs when i came home from work.

I work full time too.

He just literally doesn't see that things need doing. He would live off frozen oven food and frankly, would just work without washing his clothes.

I just don't think I could cope with his standards.

Of course he's lazy. I work full time+, DH is a SAHD. He does most of the housework, most of the cooking and obviously all of the childcare in the week, but at the weekends and in the evenings he and I share it all. Surely that is what a partnership is all about?

The OP has two toddlers to care for in the days when she doesn't work. As a mother of a toddler and a baby I know that it is impossible to get all household chores done in the day when they are around. Therefore lots has to be done in evenings/weekends. Why should the OP have to do it all when she's working hard in both a job and with child care?

freerange - thats different, if you both work FT. i got a cleaner and DIY person and occasionally a gardener, as my HB is equally useless.

loopy - maybe he doesn't see the looking after the toddler/baby as 'work' - more something to be enjoyed. I confess I'd be the same.

As you work part-time and he works full-time doing horrible stressful shifts, it sounds like it is fairest if you did the majority of the housework - BUT NOT ALL OF IT. If he is doing absolutely nothing at all, that's completely unreasonable. He has to do something.

You have to talk to him.

Then he would be a fool.

My dp's similar OP.
He works shifts, a mix of earlies, lates and nights, but mostly nights.
I also work full time.
Our dc's are 3yo and 4yo.
I do everything.
I cook, shop, clean, the lot, plus work 5 days a week.
Really frustrates me, but I've given up asking for help, frustrates me more that I have to ask, so I just don't.
I'm waiting for the day he realises that I do an awful lot.
Oh, I study too.
I know it's not ideal, but I found acceptance of the situation has helped me just deal with it iyswim.

It isn't loads of jobs is though. It's the bits needed to keep the household ticking over in clean clothes and dishes, and the children in good health. The OP still works full time, she's only paid for part of it. If she wasn't looking after her toddlers during the day then someone else would have to.

Freerange if the latter comment (about expertise) was to do with a childcare aspect I would say something along the lines of 'why would you not want to spend time with your children? If to do with housework I would be asking why I should have to do all the grot tasks and say if he wants his "downtime" so much he should be paying for a cleaner.

Panda I understand about the house becoming a tip but why not go on strike regarding his stuff? Cook for you and the kids, don't do any of his laundry, I'm sure you can make a full load from yours and the kids clothes. If he leaves stuff about, put it in a bin bag down his side of the bed for him to sort (all jumbled, empty wrappers, dirty clothes, phone chargers) make it as hard for him as it is for you so that it is easier in the long run to be more equal in the house.

One of my favourite phrases at the moment is 'it doesn't take ovaries to do . . ."

Do you really want to be married to this man. He is lazy and unfair and is taking the piss big time. You want a logical argument. Either he pulls his weight or he goes, you're not his mother, you are an equal partner in a relationship.

Silverymoon - why do you accept it? Of course he's not going to "realise". He does realise, he just knows he's got a really sweet deal with you as his personal slave.

WAKE UP all you skivvies! Your men do NOT RESPECT YOU OR SEE YOU EVEN REMOTELY EQUAL TO THEM! You are inferior in their eyes and you are there to serve them. WHY DO YOU ENABLE THEM?!?! You tell them to do their share, and if they don't, you leave. Your life will only be easier if you do because you will have one less child to look after.

OP- bollocks, big fat hairy bollocks!

Sorry but i have worked shifts in a busy intensive care unit all of my working life, days, nights, double shifts at a senior level and i have to find the energy & time to keep my house clean, my garden tended , the fridge full, meals on the table and look after my child.

So he is getting away with far too little imho.
Foot down with a firm hand.

YANBU - he is taking the piss big time.

dreamingofsun Looking after toddlers IS a full time job, which the OP does as well as working outside of the house. Of course we are going to say that he is lazy, that is because he is being lazy, and taking full advantage of his partners good nature. Looking after toddlers is damn hard work!

I work shifts. I run the house.

Yes, I do need to sleep at awkward times. But I don't treat all my time off as free time for dicking about on the playstation. Once I have slept, I contribute. Shift work offers opportunities to do things in the week, when others have to wait for weekends.