to think shiftwork isnt an excuse!

[pandapiebald]

DH does nothing (nada, zip, f* all) about the house because he works shifts (NHS, very stressful and busy role). He last mowed the lawn last summer, hoovered one bedroom about 6 weeks ago, and probably last turned on the dishwasher (only half loaded) over a month ago. He's even less helpful with the kids because he's always too tired to spend longer than 5 minutes with them. This is before, during, after and between shifts - there is always an excuse!
He claims none of his coleagues have to do anything at home (and apparently their wives don't nag either
So AIBU to expect him to pull his weight when he is home? (fwiw I always wait on him hand and foot during shifts cos I do know it's a difficult job and its one way I live to show I care ).
I'm fed up, so please tell me how the rest of you split jobs at home when one of you works shifts!

This is more tan a SAHM doing ALL the domestic chores as she is there ALL the time.
The OPs DH is not engaging with his own children, bonding or spending time with them.

btw i shocked at some posters attitude that because someone stays at home with the kids and doesnt do paid employment outside the house that they should therefore do all the tasks, cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare, garden,etc etc.
ffs even 50s stereotypes had the man doing some work around the house, usually the DIY, lawn mowing

If he was a lone parent what would he do? That is what you have to ask him.

Nobody died on my shift because I did the housework/looked after the children/cooked a meal whilst not at work.

Also a (fairly!) safe bet not of the DP's above worked their shiftwork pregnant whilst doing the above and still not endangering their patients, in answer to the OP's DP's excuse.

Suggest if he can't help out he puts his money where his housework and childcare should be and gets a cleaner for a start.

I agree with the comments above, SAHM does not equal house elf. I'm departing quickly before I go off on a rant about it!

It depends on quite a lot of things I think. Of course one person shouldn't be overburdened and the other not do much. If things are proving too much and you can afford it, I'd certainly get a cleaner.

If one person (man or woman) does a hard job outside the home and works long hours then I think the person at home should do the bulk of the work in the house. This isn't to say the other partner does absolutely nothing.

It's all a matter of fairness. And depends on how old your children are, how big your house and garden are. And how much stamina people have.

So IANBU.
Anyone have practical tips for dividing up the chores and parenting? DH's shift pattern is really random (days, nights, and lates and any day of the week) so he cant, for example, do bathtime everynight because he's not here at bathtime half the week (or he's just got up for his breakfast and isnt fit to talk to).
I would settle for cleaning bathroom occasionally, but I havent got him even picking up after himself after 12 years together. Those who say dont pick up after him - I would not have any clean dishes in the house at all. Unbelievable but he would rather eat cereal in a gravy boat than wash up one bowl!

If he won't listen, tell him to leave. Explain that you don't really need him as he doesn't lay/help with the kids and doesn't pull his weight chores wise. He clearly doesn't value your work, your role with the kids and your role in the house. He must think very little of you and the kids not to want to give some of his time to you all.

Stop cooking for him, stop ironing/washing his clothes and stop putting things of his away. Just lob everything of his in a box. Keep the rest of the house clean yourself. Or get him to pay for a cleaner.

Embarrass him in front of his friends. Tell them it's like having another small child in the house. Tell them what a poor father figure he is as he spends such little time with the kids. Buy him a book on being a father?

Thank you skybluepearl. It may come to that, and I know that is the (very sensible) advice I would get on the relationship board.
But I am hoping someone on mn might have inspiration that will make the difference to hold us together without the resentment.
I have loved him for a very long time but I could also rant about him all night. He thinks there is nothing wrong (yes, I have told him we will end up divorced if nothing changes, just not how soon) and I am looking for fixes that will hold us together. :(

I'm sorry but I don't understand why your are so resentful. Try to imagine the roles reversed and what chores you would do around the house.

Is he a man who is 45 or over?

If he is, then alot of them are like this.

Sorry, that is not much help but I know how you feel!!

I'm on mat leave from emergency services so can relate with how knackering the sifts can be. However... I always did housework, grocery shopping, cooking etc so he has got no excuse!

I did 9 hour days and 15 hour nights up until 35 weeks and still managed to do pretty much everything so he needs to pull his finger out!

Yanbu and yes, with two toddlers it's not as if the op is sitting on her arse when she's at home. You'd think he'd at least want to spend a bit of time with his kids. He clearly doesn't see it as something to be enjoyed or he would do it more oftenI've never heard of a mum who was allowed to declare that she didn't "do nappies" however stressful her job was. Plenty of women work shifts and they still come home and get on with things.

"nagoo dh spends all his downtime playing xbox and catching up his recoded shows. Since I rely on cbeebies to entertain the kids while I work (and stop them roaming the rest of the house unsupervised) I cant work longer than 15 minutes without an interruption (see above). Then I have to spend my evenings working to catch up."

So he's an inconsiderate cunt who puts his TV watching ahead of his children?

As well as a lazy, entitled knobhead with no respect for you?

What advice do you think we can give you?

I have some magic beans here I could sell you...

Panda my DP works shifts too so I do have some understanding of where you are at. I am regularly told that as I have never done shift work I dont know how exhausting it can be - and he's right I dont know.

However I do know that when the DC's were tiny and I was having almost no sleep I was able to carry on with my life! My DP found it really hard, so I do think we are able to cope with being tired very differently and I have come to realise that no amount of me suggesting he deal with it differently or have a different attitude will change that.

My DP was brought up in a household where his mother did the chores and his father worked and I think although he knows in his logical mind that this is not always the fairest way, he can sometimes slip into chauvanism without realising! For example on a recent week away he declared that he would not be getting up with the DC's any of the mornings, because he does not like getting up with them and it was his holiday. It took for me to tell him that the only reason he could have to justify that was that his paid work was more valid than my unpaid job as a SAHM (I have two preschool DC's) in his opinion. And in fairness he did relent and saw my point.

At home I do most of the housework, which I do not relish but in terms of hours spent at home I am here far more than him so it probably is more of my mess. However if I ask him to do the hoovering/clean the kitchen etc he will without moaning! I do pretty much all of the cooking but he does the washing up (for meals that he is here) and he bathes the kids and does bedtime for the boys every evening that he is here.

I think you probably need to work on your DH spending time with the kids - it would therefore allow you a bit more time to get stuff done (either round the house or for yourself). My DP will often view childcare as a chore, which annoys the hell out of me! I would love for someone to annouce to me that I could spend a couple of hours with the kids and not worry about cooking tea or clearing up! He also lacks imagination and sometimes cannot see past the idea of playing football at the park. I think it is a confidence issue so maybe start small - get him to come up to the park with you and the kids first (if he doesnt already) or get him to come with you to one of their classes to see what they do. It might make him realise that he quite enjoys seeing his kids play/learn and encourage him to get more involved.